How to support appropriately?

[FigureIt]

I'm usually on the undecided, but thought I should share here too.  Some of you may have been through similar.

My uBPDbf's father who is in his late 80's may need surgery.  I know there can be complications and risks with all surgery.  His father is healthy physically other than this, which is actually a very common surgery, although does have dementia.  Now my uBPDbf has gone into FULL negativity about how if he has the surgery his father will die.  This is the end... .his dad's body is shutting dow, etc. etc.  My bf also overexhagerates/dramatizes everything like a BPD instead of asking the specific questions of the surgeon, contacting his father's neurologist, etc.

How do you give the BPD support, without them stomping all over the boundaries, etc? 

(On the first day into the hospital I went along and my uBPDbf, expected of me to ask the questions/take over.  Yesterday, I didn't go (spent time with my D9) and my BPDbf was irritated with me that I didn't go.)

Whenever something like this happens it's the whole "Poor Me... .The sky is falling!"

I told my bf you need to thing positive, you can't dwell in that he is gonna die.  Because I don't go, my uBPDbf then spins the whole thing as to how "I DON'T SUPPORT HIM or CARE!"

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[Cat Familiar]

Sorry, but I'm going to have to side with your bf on this. Hospitalization and surgery is extremely risky for dementia patients and even with a successful outcome, his dementia may be worsened.

I'm sorry about the position you find yourself in--no good deed goes unpunished. 

[FigureIt]

Hospitalization and surgery is extremely risky for dementia patients and even with a successful outcome, his dementia may be worsened.

That I understand.  My uBPDbf tends to jump to extremes without questions.  Another doctor came for a second opinion today and said that surgery isn't needed now and if needed it would be laprascopic and a local anesthetic would be used.  I said to my bf "that is very positive news, it sounds much better."

My bf paints me black because I took time with my d9 yesterday, while he went to the hospital for 2hrs. to see his father and listen to the doctor.  That is his responsibility, not my place or responsibility. 

That is where I am stuck about the support.  If I am there my bf will not step up to the plate.  He won't make eye contact with the dr., ask questions, etc.

[123Phoebe]

Hi FigureIt,

What do you value?  What kind of support might be helpful to you, if you were facing this issue with a parent or family member?  To me this is more of a values issue than a 'his responsibility -vs- your responsibility', type of thing.  A second pair of eyes and ears is a good thing when speaking to doctors, especially when there is an emotional attachment (Father-Son).  It's a hard situation for your bf to face all alone; would you agree?

[Chosen]

BPDs work in extremes.  If his father isn't completely healthy, he's dying.  This is his feeling; it may not be the fact, but there's no denying his feelings.

And if you say otherwise, then you risk making him feel invalidated.

I would suggest supporting his feelings first, not counter-asking him/ questioning his feelings: "Yeah.  The surgery does sound scary and risky."  Then maybe when you're at the doctor's, you could ask those factual questions (e.g. how risky is it, possible outcomes, expected outomes... .) and add the second part of the "supporting sentence": "The doctors says it is possible he will die, but he also thinks it's highly unlikely as it's a routine surgery.  So I guess it's not as bad?"

Again, I would not direct him to think in a certain way (there is no way we can change somebody's thinking), but I would add some facts (preferrably suggested by a third person so it's not YOU invalidating him, but you're both on the same side, and that person is encouraging/ comforting both of you) to point him away from the extreme.  Do you think this might work on your bf?

[FigureIt]

Hi FigureIt,

What do you value?  What kind of support might be helpful to you, if you were facing this issue with a parent or family member?  To me this is more of a values issue than a 'his responsibility -vs- your responsibility', type of thing.  A second pair of eyes and ears is a good thing when speaking to doctors, especially when there is an emotional attachment (Father-Son).  It's a hard situation for your bf to face all alone; would you agree?

I do agree it is a hard situation.  That is why when he need the ambulance and was first taken in, I was there and stayed until 2am.  But, because his mom is still the decision maker and I am just the "girlfriend" it is not my place to intervene.  I will be supportive, understanding and if there is surgery needed I will go.  My bf expects that my life should revolve around his needs and demands no matter how small and/or big.

[FigureIt]

BPDs work in extremes.  If his father isn't completely healthy, he's dying.  This is his feeling; it may not be the fact, but there's no denying his feelings.

And if you say otherwise, then you risk making him feel invalidated.

I would suggest supporting his feelings first, not counter-asking him/ questioning his feelings: "Yeah.  The surgery does sound scary and risky."  Then maybe when you're at the doctor's, you could ask those factual questions (e.g. how risky is it, possible outcomes, expected outomes... .) and add the second part of the "supporting sentence": "The doctors says it is possible he will die, but he also thinks it's highly unlikely as it's a routine surgery.  So I guess it's not as bad?"

Again, I would not direct him to think in a certain way (there is no way we can change somebody's thinking), but I would add some facts (preferrably suggested by a third person so it's not YOU invalidating him, but you're both on the same side, and that person is encouraging/ comforting both of you) to point him away from the extreme.  Do you think this might work on your bf?

I do think you are right about how to validate the outcome.  When it comes to the surgery decision etc.  There is his mother, his sister (in her 60's) and him (50yrs. old), they are the family and need to make the decisions.  I have tried to help in the past and have been ignored because "I am not the family member, just the girlfriend."  I am okay with that position, but then I can't be the one the responsibility is placed on either. 

Yesterday he took off from work, then his D23 and him took his mom to the hospital from 2pm-7pm.  Expecting the dad to be discharged.  He wasn't discharged, kept another night for observation, still no surgery.  My bf was upset with me that I didn't go.  (I had to work all day, then take care of my d9)  Because there was no surgery and doing better, there was no need for me to go.  I asked how things were, etc.  My bf is still in that extreme of "he is dying."

I do not expect my bf to do any of this for my parents, even my d9 who lives with us.  When I have asked or need the assistance even for my d9, he does not do it.

[Notwendy]

"I told my bf you need to thing positive, you can't dwell in that he is gonna die.  Because I don't go, my uBPDbf then spins the whole thing as to how "I DON'T SUPPORT HIM or CARE!""

I can share some of my experience with you if it helps. My father died after an illness, and my mother wBPD said and did all kinds of things that seemed crazy to me. My own grief and fears added to the craziness in my family interactions as well. Although you want your bf to think positive- you can't make him think positive. Telling him to think positively is invalidating his fears. The truth is, that dad may or may not die. It is nice to think positive but people in their late 80's do die, and surgery of any kind is risky. Even if your bf is dwelling on the worst case scenario, fearing his father's death is something he is facing at some point.

I took a long term perspective in my family and it seemed that - since they were dysfunctional, the way they handled everything was dysfunctional. Black and white thinking made everything great or the end of the world. Good things were good. Stressful things were catastrophies. Losing a parent is difficult, even for someone who is emotionally stable. All the much harder for someone with BPD. So yes, my mother raged at me, painted me black to other family members, basically projected her fears and sadness on family, the medical staff. It was hard to be supportive and not be emotionally affected as well, since I was dealing with my own emotions.

I found this all hard to deal with so I maintained my own boundaries so that I could take care of my own feelings. My family did not like this, and it hurt to be criticized.

I learned a lot of lessons from this about how to be supportive, and also how to take care of myself. I learned that sometimes it is not possible to do the latter and get approval from the ones you are being supportive of. However, when the expectations that for me to support them meant to not take care of myself, I had to choose.

Your bf is going to go through a lot of emotions and he may project them on to you. I wouldn't argue or explain, just validate his feelings. It may not be enough for him, but maybe nothing is at this time. Do what you believe is the best you can do.

[FigureIt]

I found this all hard to deal with so I maintained my own boundaries so that I could take care of my own feelings. My family did not like this, and it hurt to be criticized.

I learned a lot of lessons from this about how to be supportive, and also how to take care of myself. I learned that sometimes it is not possible to do the latter and get approval from the ones you are being supportive of. However, when the expectations that for me to support them meant to not take care of myself, I had to choose.

Your bf is going to go through a lot of emotions and he may project them on to you. I wouldn't argue or explain, just validate his feelings. It may not be enough for him, but maybe nothing is at this time. Do what you believe is the best you can do.

I guess that is what I needed to hear.  That no matter what "It may not be enough for him."  That is truly how it is seen by him. 

[Jessica84]

I do not expect my bf to do any of this for my parents, even my d9 who lives with us.  When I have asked or need the assistance even for my d9, he does not do it.

I've struggled with this one myself. How unfair it is. Then I realized you can't keep score in a BPD relationship. My expectations for r/s equality were not realistic.  I looked at all the times I was supportive to him, and when I needed him, he wasn't there. The thing I had to do was lower my expectations. In some cases, throw away expectations altogether. Not because he is selfish, but because he isn't always capable. Hard reality to accept. I had to stop taking it personal. He would if he could, but he can't. So now, any time he does come thru it's nice and I cherish it, but I don't expect it from him every time. Of course, human nature still seeps in and my expectations come back, but I have to remind myself he has a mental illness that's going to tip the scales. He doesn't have as much to give and will always need more support than he can return.

Your bf is looking for support from you. Sounds like he doesn't need help making medical decisions since he has family for that. What he needs most is support, understanding, validation. The black/white thinking is hard to overcome. At the core of it is he's afraid of losing his father. You can show support/empathy and try to normalize his fear - that anyone in his situation would feel that way. A little validation goes a long way... .

"I know you're scared. I would be too if this was my father. Surgery IS scary, even routines ones. How can I help support you thru this?"

I've been amazed at how showing support and validating a fear can (sometimes) help the fear subside a little. It can even (sometimes) stop a full-blown dysregulation in its tracks. Doesn't work every time, but worth it when it does!