Hi

[smileybmomto3]

Hi.  

My oldest child has been diagnosed with BPD and is also currently in jail (drugs). This has been a very hard road. Her symptoms spiraling out of control. She has 3 children of her own. As a mom and a grandmother it has been excruciating watching and not being able to help. I feel stuck. I feel like a horrid mom and I feel I have abandoned my daughter. I am having a very hard time reaching out to her. I know I am holding a lot of anger. I guess I should fill in the back story.

9 years ago my daughter gave birth to her first child, I had a 2 yr old myself at the time, I did not understand how bad my daughter had gotten until one day she has a friend dropped her son off with me saying that my daughter was not feeling we could I watch the baby for a couple days. 3 months later I finally track down my daughter. By that time her son was with his grandfather (my ex) because my then husband ... .well lets just say he is a huge ass hence I am not married to him. Anyway my daughter seemed to be doing well and even got married and got her son back. Then 5 yrs ago she gives birth again. This time she takes off leaving the kids with her husband. after a few months she comes back. 4 yrs ago a 3rd child, repeat pattern, except this time she never fully "recovers". And I begin to see very irradiate behavior. I find out that it had been going on a lot more then my son-in-law or daughter was telling me. 2 yrs ago my daughter leaves her husband and moves in with me. What a disaster! I find out that she doesn't take care of the kids. She just sleeps all day, leaving her oldest to take care of the other two. Then at night she wakes and leaves the house. I ended up kicking her out and that is when I found drug paraphernalia. She goes back to her husband. The breaking point was when my son-in-law came home from work to find broken needles and bags of meth on the living room floor. He lost it! understandably. So he files divorce with full custody and my daughter ends up in jail.

Now she is writing me, saying she doesn't understand why she is in jail. Begs me to write to her, and I am at a lost. Every time I begin to write to her I end up spewing all over her what she did and why she is there. I know this will not be received so I end up not sending it. I am trying to find a group in the area I live that can be a support, but I haven't found one yet. I found this group through searching.

Thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

Hi smileybmomto3,



What a tough situation. It's a bag of emotions we experience between the anger, hurt, frustration, and worry for us as moms when our grown children aren't making very good decisions.   

Mamas with this disorder can definitely struggle in motherhood -- especially if she's self medicating with drugs.

What happened that she ended up in jail?

Did she receive the BPD diagnosis there?

~DG

[lbjnltx]

Hello smileybmomto3,

Glad to have  you here and sorry to hear about your daughter's struggles with drugs, motherhood, and life. :'(

How old is she now?

Do you get to spend time with the grandkids?

Support groups are wonderful to have.  Here are some you might google and see if they are going to be meeting in your area now or in the future:

TARA

NAMI

NEA-BPD

Many members who don't have access to any of these groups attend Alanon and have found the lessons/priniciples apply to families of the mentally ill just like they do families affected by alcohol/drugs.

We are good source of support too!   There are many moms, dads, grandparents, and step parents who post here and support each other through sharing experiences, practicing the skills and learning the lessons together.

We hope you will join us in our journey as we would like to join you in yours.

lbj

[smileybmomto3]

DG & ibj~ Thank you for reading and replying. She is 26. She was picked up with illegal drugs and paraphernalia and was put on probation. Well she did not follow the terms of the probation and was picked back up. She is now waiting for the courts to decide if she is competent enough to go to trial. The diagnose was given when she was 15/16 (she was living with her father at the time). She denied it for many years and refused to seek help. Then she turned to the drugs and cutting. The worry, anger, frustration that I have been pushing down in myself trying to be the mom she needs, yet never being able to be that mom. She is constant in blaming me and manipulating me. I have stood up and said no more. But when I did that she left and that is when she was picked up.

My son-in-law is a great dad and he lets me see the kids anytime. I get to have them this weekend. It is hard though, I see the damage that has been done in their short chaotic lives. They have signs of attachment disorder. Though since mom went to jail in Oct (the first time), they have not seen her, and they are actually doing much better. Again very sad, yet a good thing also.

Thank you for the support groups, I will search them out.

[lbjnltx]

You are most welcome 

You  mention in your first post having difficulty writing her a letter.

The frustration, fear, and sorrow can sometimes get in the way of what to say that will be bridge building rather than destroying.

It had helped me to focus on my goal which was and continues to be for my daughter to know and accept that I love her above all things.

We learn here that validation is a powerful communication skill so that our kids can feel heard and understood.  You can find that in the tools section to the right of this post.  If you click on it you will find discussions about validation, how and why it is powerful and how it has helped many families rebuild bridges so relationships can stay intact and improve.

Feel free to post in those workshops and discussions and ask any questions you might have about validation. 

We are here to help you learn.

lbj

[livednlearned]

The worry, anger, frustration that I have been pushing down in myself trying to be the mom she needs, yet never being able to be that mom.

Hi smileybmomto3,

I wanted to join everyone in welcoming you to the group. It's so understandable that you would feel anger right now, especially when you have been pushing so many powerful feelings down. These are feelings that are real, they are a part of you, part of this experience, and you've felt it was important to set them aside so you can be a good mom. But then your daughter blames and manipulates you, and she is in a bad place, not the outcome any mother would want for a child she loves.

Do you have a safe place to express these feelings? My experience is that strong feelings like this just get stronger if they don't have an outlet. You may need someone to bear witness to these feelings, someone who does not judge you, someone strong enough and a bit removed from the intensity to let you express them without consequences.

That may make it easier to validate, the tool that lbjnltx was suggesting. I have found it so hard to validate loved ones when my own feelings have not been heard. Sometimes, I am not even listening to my own feelings, they are so painful and make me feel guilty, so I try to avoid them. Never works   I am learning. And once you let off the big package of feelings, it really lightens the load. It gets easier. I've become better at giving them their day in the sun so they don't back up and drag me down with their weight.

We can bear witness for you here. Or a support group, therapist, someone who will understand how important your feelings are in this.

[smileybmomto3]

Thank you livednlearned. I haven't had the out let. The last 6 years has been very hard. Not only dealing with my daughter and all her issues, but also going through a divorce, being a single working mom for the first time, and trying to figure out who I am. I had to move to a new city when the divorce happened, so I was starting all over. No friend or family. I feel like through all of this I have not been the mom to my daughter or my youngest son. My middle child (who is 15 months younger then my daughter) He is doing great. He helps me see that it really was not all my fault that my daughter is the way she is. He is a well balanced, well adjusted, man. My youngest (who just turned 11) has Aspergers. There are days I feel so over-whelmed and inadequate.

I have found friends. And I vent with them, but none of them really understand. They haven't gone through this. And the one friend that I did have who had a sister with BPD, she passed away 4 years ago.

Ok this post is rambling and whinny and poor me. Sorry.

[livednlearned]

Ok this post is rambling and whinny and poor me. Sorry.

It's ok. In fact, it's probably long overdue. It isn't rambling or whiny (have you seen my posts  ) and it's really healthy. That's why we're here.

I'm a single working mom, too. I only have one child, but I'm finishing a graduate degree and working full time. My son (13) was diagnosed ODD, ADHD/ADD combined type, and depressed. He is seeing a wonderful psychiatrist to help with his depression and anxiety. He also struggles with sensory processing and a social skills counselor thinks he is a "highly-sensitive person" (HSP).

A few things bring me pleasure, and one of them is coming here to hand out flashlights so other people can see their path. Once you see your path, and see all those other lights shining on their paths, it feels less lonely. Your feelings are exactly what they are, nothing more, nothing less. If we don't let our feelings be what they are, the path gets dark. We need them so we can see.

Sometimes, it's guilt that makes us not want to feel the negative feelings. Just lean in, that's what I recommend. The worse that can happen is that you'll cry.   I've learned that crying actually feels good, especially right after when I've let some of that pain go.

Be gentle with yourself, smileybmomto3. You have a lot on your shoulders and you're holding it together. Also, did you know that there is a rule that single moms don't have to be perfect? I read that somewhere. We get a free pass. Everyone else has to be perfect  

[lbjnltx]

Hi again smileymom

You have found your outlet!  We get it, we understand it, and we have lived it ourselves.

Lack of support is common for parents of children with BPD.  I have found that most people don't even try to understand... .So many times I got 0 validation.   Instead I got unhelpful suggestions or criticism.  It honestly isn't all their fault... .it took me a long time and a major investment to understand my daughter and our situation.  The vast majority of people not directly affected by a problem or situation wouldn't invest an hour in trying to understand it.

You have been through many major life changes in a relatively short amount of time.   Celebrate the successes you have had!

It is good to hear that your other  children are with you and that your middle child is well adjusted and happy.  Being a parent is the hardest job to have.  We aren't born with the innate skill to parent a special needs child.  That is something we have to learn and our innate desire to protect and cherish them is what will fuel the learning process.

lbj

[Panda39]

Hi Smileybmomto3,

I want to join everyone else and welcome you too 

I come to BPD from a slightly different angle I'm dating a great guy with a uBPDxw. I am also a single mom of one son and help my SO with his 2 daughters.  None of the kids have BPD but my son has had to negotiate an alcoholic dad and my SO's daughter have to negotiate a BPDmom so I absolutely sympathize with all the complications that life can throw at you and how hard it can be. I also can relate to the anger and frustration.  I arrived here almost a year ago incredibly angry.  Angry because I too felt powerless to change what my SO's uBPDxw was doing to him and his kids, sometimes angry at my SO for not doing the things I thought he should be doing and even angry at his daughters for not supporting their father more.  It took awhile... .lots of reading... .lots of posting... .lots of venting but I was finally able to get it out, understanding how much my SO's ex was pulling strings helped and learning that the ex had some predictable behavior patterns all helped.  But the biggest lesson was learning that I couldn't control what any of these people did... .my SO, is ex or his kids.  I can only control the things I say and do.  I was able to disengage... .not stop caring & helping (when it's asked for) I haven't even stopped giving advice (to the chagrin of everyone in my life ) but I now understand that everyone is going to do what they are going to do.  Letting go of trying to control was key for me in letting the anger go. 

Dealing with anger is a process but it can be dealt with just take your time.

Now she is writing me, saying she doesn't understand why she is in jail. Begs me to write to her, and I am at a lost. Every time I begin to write to her I end up spewing all over her what she did and why she is there. I know this will not be received so I end up not sending it.

I also wanted to comment on the struggle to write to your daughter.  When you feel ready to write something to her post a draft of it here first and ask for some feedback.  The members here are great editors that can help compose something that gets your message across in the most constructive way possible.

I posted a letter here to my SO's D18 it was a long rambling affair.  It took 2 days of member help and me realizing most of the letter was about me and my feelings not D18 to get the letter whittled down to the message I really wanted to send.  It was the hardest 3 sentences I ever wrote!  But the result was a well received message.

One last thing please take a look at the information/links in the box to the right lots of good information there.

Hang in there,

Panda39