Sometimes I feel like I have BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My story begins at work. I was assigned to meet with another department supervisor to coordinate strategic resolutions. After numerous onsite meetings, we began to meet offsite for work. Then she asked me about my dating, I said I was thinking of going online. She offered to help me write a profile, stating she had great success online. I spoke about what I wanted and she said that was exactly what she was looking for. Soon she would say what I wanted before I even said it. It was like she was perfect and wanted the exact same things.

We started dating. Within two weeks, she would have "episodes," these meltdowns if I would not immediately leave what I was doing to spend time with her. She would have jealous rages. After three weeks, she said "I love you." My friends warned me these were red flags. I stuck it out because I was so captivated by the beginning.

We dated for 4 months and then split. Our dating was characterized by her rages, personal attacks on my character, and then incredibly sweet moments where she would act young and vulnerable. The physical intimacy was also incredible.

After we split, she went back with her ex within two weeks. She stated I had made her depressed and that he "fixed me" by taking her to Vegas.

I missed her and began to move on. We kept talking and after a month we were sleeping together and might date once a week, while she was seeing her current boyfriend. She would tell me she was with him because he was calm and treated her well. He is very wealthy, retired and she enjoys his lifestyle. She said she is not ready to give up on it yet.

She still accuses me of cheating on her and being with others even though we are not together. Truthfully, I am not with anyone else. She takes up all my free time and even at work, she needs constant reassurance through texts.

When we dated she had rules: I had to text her within two hours of receiving any text from her. If I would be text unavailable, I had to say where I would be, with whom and for how long .She forbid me from seeing female friends or talking to ex's. Also, I was not supposed to sleep at my house. She preferred I stay with her.

By the end, I felt like I was going crazy. It was constant push-pull. I came across BPD online trying to figure out how to break up or if I was going crazy.

I felt like I was meeting the criteria for BPD.

Friends of mine who are counselors and therapists told me she probably suffered from BPD and then they would predict her next behavior, like how long she would wait before calling/texting after a fight.

I would like to move on and not feel anxious all the time about whether she will be nice or mean each day. I would like to not hear her criticisms ring in my head.

Can someone develop BPD traits in their mid-30s? I feel like I have become more dysfunctional and emotionally intense,

[psynp33]

My story begins at work. I was assigned to meet with another department supervisor to coordinate strategic resolutions. After numerous onsite meetings, we began to meet offsite for work. Then she asked me about my dating, I said I was thinking of going online. She offered to help me write a profile, stating she had great success online. I spoke about what I wanted and she said that was exactly what she was looking for. Soon she would say what I wanted before I even said it. It was like she was perfect and wanted the exact same things.

We started dating. Within two weeks, she would have "episodes," these meltdowns if I would not immediately leave what I was doing to spend time with her. She would have jealous rages. After three weeks, she said "I love you." My friends warned me these were red flags. I stuck it out because I was so captivated by the beginning.

We dated for 4 months and then split. Our dating was characterized by her rages, personal attacks on my character, and then incredibly sweet moments where she would act young and vulnerable. The physical intimacy was also incredible.

After we split, she went back with her ex within two weeks. She stated I had made her depressed and that he "fixed me" by taking her to Vegas.

I missed her and began to move on. We kept talking and after a month we were sleeping together and might date once a week, while she was seeing her current boyfriend. She would tell me she was with him because he was calm and treated her well. He is very wealthy, retired and she enjoys his lifestyle. She said she is not ready to give up on it yet.

She still accuses me of cheating on her and being with others even though we are not together. Truthfully, I am not with anyone else. She takes up all my free time and even at work, she needs constant reassurance through texts.

When we dated she had rules: I had to text her within two hours of receiving any text from her. If I would be text unavailable, I had to say where I would be, with whom and for how long .She forbid me from seeing female friends or talking to ex's. Also, I was not supposed to sleep at my house. She preferred I stay with her.

By the end, I felt like I was going crazy. It was constant push-pull. I came across BPD online trying to figure out how to break up or if I was going crazy.

I felt like I was meeting the criteria for BPD.

Friends of mine who are counselors and therapists told me she probably suffered from BPD and then they would predict her next behavior, like how long she would wait before calling/texting after a fight.

I would like to move on and not feel anxious all the time about whether she will be nice or mean each day. I would like to not hear her criticisms ring in my head.

Can someone develop BPD traits in their mid-30s? I feel like I have become more dysfunctional and emotionally intense,

[EaglesJuju]

Hi psynp33,  

Welcome aboard.  I am sorry that you went through such a difficult situation.  I understand how you could feel as if you have BPD.     

The behaviors of people with BPD (pwBPD) are confusing, erratic, and dramatic. After awhile the behavior of a pwBPD can start to affect us. It can almost rub off like catching fleas.    

At one point, I noticed I starting mimicking some of my bf's BPD behaviors, such as emotional dysregulation. I was highly emotional with certain things and had a hard time controlling my emotions. To rectify this, I sought help from my support system of friends, family, and my therapist. Having a support system really helped with  :)o you have a support system?

The aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD can be traumatic and can make you feel as if you have BPD. It is nothing like a break up with a non-BPD partner. It feels like it is magnified by 10,000.  Many people can have PTSD symptoms from a relationship with a pwBPD. PTSD symptoms can be similar to some BPD diagnostic criteria.  

Here is an article that helps with understanding a break up with a pwBPD.

Article 9: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

It must be very difficult working with her.  How are you coping with that?

[Lucky Jim]

No, you don't have BPD, you just have a case of fleas  , as EaglesJuju suggests.  Those who actually have BPD rarely if ever admit that they might have the disorder; instead, they deny, deny and deny in order to avoid facing their own issues.  So it is highly unlikely that you have BPD, in my view.  LuckyJim

[psynp33]

"It must be very difficult working with her.  How are you coping with that?"

I asked for a transfer.

And was granted a transfer. She called me and asked me not to leave, because "We work well together."

Her pattern has been:

She will be distant for a week, then start texting me, calling my office, and touching my arm at meetings. Then we start sleeping together for a couple weeks. Then she has a rage episode where she claims I am seeing someone else, because she saw me talking to another female supervisor at work.

I know I should not engage with her socially and should address her work concerns and then tell her I have to go. My emotions towards her are very strong and I thought we were something special.

I'm having trouble disengaging. The articles on this website are very helpful.

My friends also do not think she is healthy for me and are very supportive.

I'm embarrassed that I still see her and that I would go to her if she asked.

I've considered blocking her number once I transfer, that just seems so dramatic. But it would be for me because I have not shown the self-control to stop picking up the phone.

-J

[newlifeBPDfree]

I sometimes feel that way too but in the end I believe that it's just lingering echo of their disorder, some bad habits that got stuck to you, something you can definitely weed out.