My story...

[beefree]

Sat down to write lyrics and this popped out. Just sharing... .writing this down was therapeutic for me... .maybe others will be able to relate.

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There was a reason

That I would run away

Hiding from the monster downstairs

There was a reason

That I would try to get away

From the explosions that happened every day

There was a reason I hid

There was a reason I ran

There was a reason I stayed upstairs

I wasn't dodging chores or responsibility

Despite the stories you tell

I wasn't bad and wasn't evil

I was hiding to keep myself safe

Your explosions came without warning

Your emotions splattered onto everyone around

So afraid of being alone

You choked the joy out of everything

Your anger coating everything within the walls

Of our prison home black with fear

That picture of the girl in the field on my pink wall

I used to stare at her… I just wanted to be her

She was alone… her face was hidden behind her bonnet

But that field with the tall grass seemed so calm and serene

Sun shining down…

So unlike the emotional minefield, the dark clouds that hung wherever you stood

Exploding with thunder and lightning

Full of sound and fury, signifying… nothing about me.

Only your own emptiness.

I know now that it had nothing to do with me

And everything to do with you and the turmoil inside.

Yet you still even now try to make it my fault.

Tell me that there was something wrong with me.

That I was spoiled and selfish.

Directly and indirectly you ignore and violate my boundaries when I tell you I feel disrespected and unsafe.

Did you provide for me materially, yes, without a doubt, and for that I am grateful.

Did you let me participate in lots of activities - yes.

But buying stuff for someone something doesn't make it okay if you beat them to a pulp.

Physically OR emotionally.

Nothing justifies the way you treated me.

NOTHING. YOU WERE WRONG. DAD, HE WAS WRONG FOR NOT STOPPING YOU - FOR HIDING FROM IT AT WORK. FOR NOT BELIEVING ME WHEN I SAID IT WAS HAPPENING. HE WAS WRONG FOR TELLING ME DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN WHEN I CALLED YOU ABUSIVE. AND HE IS WRONG FOR ABANDONING ME NOW.

I have accepted that I can't change any of this. 

God saw it all, He knows, nothing is or was hidden from His eyes.

Though my parents both forsake me, He has not and will not.

I am so grateful for the life that I have now. 

My home, my husband.

My everyday joy

Of waking up in a place where I am loved

Where I experience my own emotions

Where I am not held responsible for achieving anyone else's happiness

I am so grateful to be FREE.

[clljhns]

  beefree,


Your words echo the pain so many of us know being raised by a BPD.

There was a reason

That I would try to get away

From the explosions that happened every day

There was a reason I hid

There was a reason I ran

There was a reason I stayed upstairs

I can relate so well to this. I hid often as a child to escape the chaos.

Thank you for sharing your poem.

Wishing you well on your journey. 

[Kwamina]

Hi beefree

Thanks for sharing your story in the form of these lovely lyrics! Through your words you've expressed a lot of my own experiences too. Getting your story out can be very liberating so I can definitely see why you found writing this down to be therapeutic.

I am so grateful for the life that I have now.  

My home, my husband.

My everyday joy

Of waking up in a place where I am loved

Where I experience my own emotions

Where I am not held responsible for achieving anyone else's happiness

I am so grateful to be FREE.

I am very happy that you are free now too And I hope you also feel free internally. You also speak of accepting the things that you cannot change. How were you able to come to this point of acceptance? Did your faith in God help you reach this place? Take care

[beefree]

And I hope you also feel free internally. You also speak of accepting the things that you cannot change. How were you able to come to this point of acceptance? Did your faith in God help you reach this place? Take care

Generally... .yes, I do feel internally free.  I do occasionally have days where something triggers me missing having more contact with family... .but more contact would not be worth the manipulation and abuse. 

My acceptance has come because of alot of things. The support system I have in my husband, the self image I am able to create in rooting myself in how God sees me, and my faith in God and in a future day with no pain, tears, and crying, knowing that the world is messed up now but someday will be put right.   In my day to day in the here and now, internal freedom is alot about focusing on what I have instead of what I don't have and didn't have and can't change.  Working towards and achieving new goals and enjoying the positive relationships in my life.   

Because of the bad days in the past... .a normal day is all the more beautiful and worth appreciating.

[Hope1913]

Thank you so much for sharing.