Intro

[K.W.P.]

Greetings

I am a single mother (since 1999) living with my BPD son who is now 24 years old. He has BPD as well as bipolar disorder and ADHD with a smattering of anxiety. I have been able to keep him going since he had his first breakdown at 17. He had been diagnosed with anxiety disorder but when hospitalized for suicidal attempts he was rediagnosed with BPD. He has a psychiatrist (a better one now) and a social worker and is on disability allowance.

I have just completed a course in BPD and find that I am missing the camaraderie of a group. I do have some dear friends but none that understand my life. One even asked me if I am prepared for my son killing himself some time in the near future.

What I am finding frustrating at the moment is that he does absolutely nothing around the house and I find it difficult to get him to move. His depression has been high lately and that makes him sluggish and sleepy and he has given up all of his outside activities. He spends forever on the xbox.

K.W.P.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello K.W.P.

  Welcome to the site and the Parent's Board.  We are happy to have you here and so very sorry to hear that your son has been struggling with so much. 

Being a single parent to a teen with disorders and onto adulthood is tough and can be a lonely experience. I'm sorry that your friend asked you such a question... .people who aren't educated or have real life experience with severe mental illness often mean well and don't have the skills to know what to say or how to say it.  Having people who understand our frustrations and concerns definitely does help us through. You have found such people!

It is awesome that you have been learning about the disorder 

What course did you complete for BPD?  How did it help you?  We can all benefit from what you have learned!

We want to be here to give you the camaraderie and support you need.  We also want to help you learn how to take care of yourself and share the skills that can improve your life and relationship with your son.

The depression your son is experiencing is disheartening.  Do you think there may be a seasonal affect on him... .like bad weather and the cloudy/short days? 

Dealing with unmotivated people can be tricky.  I have found that starting with something small to break the cycle of stagnation to be a good tactic.  You might try just asking him to help you with a small task, add a little bit on at the end and see if he will honor your request.  Example:  Will you  help me get the faucet covers off and store them?  then add... .Can you get one hose and attach it and I'll get the other.

Just an idea... .make it your own and see if it will work.  If not... .don't give up, try again another day.  There is always the possibility that a new day will bring a new response.

I look forward to learning more about you and your son and how I can best support you!

lbj

[K.W.P.]

Thanks for the great reply lbj The course I attended with called Family Connections and was based on the course for the National Education Alliance for BPD. I found that for the first time ever I did not feel alone. I learned about the disorder and am now having the best day I can have I am learning to accept things.

Today I am trying to get him to go for a drive with me.

I also have a daughter who is getting her Masters and we both miss her. And yes I have to constantly reassure him that I am just as proud of him and love him lots.

[lbjnltx]

Awesome program!

Our Lessons are based on the Family Connections platform.

Do you think the absence of your daughter is adding to your sons' depression?  Can he call her and talk to her?  Is she a good source of support and encouragement for him?

[livednlearned]

Hi KWP,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in giving you a big warm welcome to the site! Finding this place gave me so much wind in my sails and I hope you find the same kind of support and camaraderie many of us here have found. You are definitely not alone  

It's sad when friends don't understand what we're going through. My son (now 13) talked about not wanting to live when he was 8, and honestly -- it took me a while to learn how to respond to him.  :'( I think I have been insensitive too, not understanding the depth of emotional pain he was in, and how I could best respond to him. It's been a process, learning new skills and trying to understand what he needs and how it is different than my own assumptions. I didn't realize that telling him how much I loved him, and pointing out how good he had it was invalidating the pain he felt.  

My son uses computer games to self-soothe too and I'm dreading the summer when he is too told for camp and too young for a job. He has no problem sitting in his room doing nothing. Or... .nothing is what I call it. His psychiatrist told me it might help if I asked him questions about what he is doing. He is allowed to play certain games that I approve of, but I never thought to talk to him about what he is doing. He actually becomes quite animated about what he's doing and likes to explain the strategies he uses. In the past I've tried to connect him with other kids his own age who get together and play online together in the same room -- the biggest group of nerds the world has ever seen  but he went through a severe depression last fall and we had to go back to the drawing board. And then, miracle of miracles, he decided to volunteer for theater tech at school and even though he tends to keep to himself, I'm so relieved that he is at least mixing around other kids and is part of something.

Like lbjnltx mentioned, small tasks can be a small victory. When I am very organized and motivated, I put together a list of things I ask him to help with, a minimum of 3 things a day. They are pretty small things, like washing the car. Every day he has to pick clothes up off his floor and open his blinds. His pediatrician recommended this to me -- she also suggested I get him a kitten   but we are already at our pet limit where we live.

How has your son responded to his BPD diagnosis? How does he respond when you ask him to do things around the house?

[K.W.P.]

She is a wonderful support actually. I miss her so much. She is so helpful. I am very careful not to say too much to her when I am down because I do not want her to feel she needs to be responsible for me or for my son. When he is having a really hard time she is always there. I know he misses her.

His big problem right now is that there are changes in his life. Any change, good or bad and he spirals into depression.

[lbjnltx]

Change is hard... .if he has anxiety (as most pwBPD do) it is even harder for him.

Will your son talk to you about his feelings regarding change?  Can you ask validating questions to get him to process his feelings and verbalize them... .sometimes that can take away some of the power of the negative feelings.

[K.W.P.]

Thanks for the welcome livednlearned. I am really glad not to be alone

My son uses the xbox a lot and is now also trying to go back to school. He is so unsure of himself so we take each day as it comes.

We have 5 cats so that helps hahaha. He does love the unconditional love.

I wish I was more organized but as I have ADD it is kinda tough. I am trying to show him through example how to do things and involve him in small ways.

[K.W.P.]

He is aware of his disabilities and I do not pretend that they are not there. We talk about it and I have learned how not to escalate things. He has a good social worker but I wish he had more help.

[lbjnltx]

He is aware of his disabilities and I do not pretend that they are not there. We talk about it and I have learned how not to escalate things. He has a good social worker but I wish he had more help.

Maybe he could find some support through these online resources:

Resources for BPD Sufferers

DBTSelfHelp.com