Setting boundaries learning curve...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I’ve been using the tools here to try to pull myself slowly out of a devaluation and silent treatment phase that really felt like the end for my uBPD/NPDw and I really think I have been doing fairly well.  I have weathered some fairly good rages with calm, firm and validating responses while setting a firm boundary that I don’t want to or deserve to be spoken to like that, and it’s been working.  I have worked daily on self-validation and started to work on re-establishing healthy relationships and activities while still keeping up with all the things important on the home front.  Finally, I have kept positive communication out there throughout each day and if she tries to undermine that with little or no response, I’m not letting it bother me…water off a ducks back.

Ok, so I’ve set the language/treatment boundary and not taken the bate when pushed.  The other night she tried to access my phone, but I had changed the password and let her know that was a boundary for me as well, that it’s the principal of trust and I explained to her that I don’t try to pry into her phone as I trust her word and her commitment to the vows we made and whatever is in there is her business, and she has been ok with that.

So here was my challenge and slight slip, but I am going to continue to stand my ground.  Last night around the table I asked my son (her step son) if he had started drivers ed yet and he said he had started the on-line portion.  She and I had discussed a B average threshold before classes are taken etc. and my son has been meeting that, though we have not quite finished the quarter.  So I had been corresponding with my ex-wife about classes and she took him to sign up and to the DMV for his permit so I relented and let her know that if my son didn’t keep his B average promise that I would not be on board with the final driving piece required to get his license. 

Ok, cut to the chase, after dinner my uBPD/NPDw  starts in on me about not being in the loop, that I ignore her and I am doing things behind her back etc, etc, etc.  I don’t get excited, I address her feelings and validate and at a point I have to step away and set the boundary that I don’t want her to talk to me that way.  Well, things calm down and she brings up one more time how she feels and I go to validate and she demands to see the email chain between my ex-wife and I and I tell her no that is a boundary and this is a conversation is not about the semantics of my emails with my ex-wife but about how she is feeling that I didn’t communicate the process better with her.  Well… she did NOT take that well.  She boiled and got quite agitated that I wouldn’t show her, so I started to relent and opened my email…but then I caught myself and said no and reiterated that was an inappropriate boundary based on what the conversation is.  My big slip, she kept in on me and I said “because it’s none of your business…”, wrong answer but I was getting rattled.  So at this point she goes off and not of course nothing is her business so nothing she does is my business complete with the implied threats turning my boundary about email into vailed threats of “well I guess I won’t know what she’s doing on her days off or on the weekend, and that could be anything…because it’s none of my business…”

Well, you guessed it…we’re back to the silent treatment and I’m sure distance and devaluation to follow.  But, I have to say that was my only slip, I calmly explained it as a response to being rattled by her tact of swearing and yelling and that this would always be a boundary in these types of situations as this was a simple conversation about communication and the way she and I work together to make decisions about raising our kids and I understand that, but to trace it all the way back to my entire email exchange with my ex-wife was inappropriate and unnecessary.

Anyway, that’s my story and I am going to remain strong and balance through this next wave as I am very interested to see how using the correct communication tools, keeping positive, healthy, connected with positive friends/family and self-validating will hopefully reduce the strength and duration of the silent/devaluation.  I think this is a very important test to see if this is something I can co-exist with and hopefully come back to a better relationship with my uBPD/NPDw through.

Thanks for listening.

NewStart

[NewStart]

So I’ve been using the tools here to try to pull myself slowly out of a devaluation and silent treatment phase that really felt like the end for my uBPD/NPDw and I really think I have been doing fairly well.  I have weathered some fairly good rages with calm, firm and validating responses while setting a firm boundary that I don’t want to or deserve to be spoken to like that, and it’s been working.  I have worked daily on self-validation and started to work on re-establishing healthy relationships and activities while still keeping up with all the things important on the home front.  Finally, I have kept positive communication out there throughout each day and if she tries to undermine that with little or no response, I’m not letting it bother me…water off a ducks back.

Ok, so I’ve set the language/treatment boundary and not taken the bate when pushed.  The other night she tried to access my phone, but I had changed the password and let her know that was a boundary for me as well, that it’s the principal of trust and I explained to her that I don’t try to pry into her phone as I trust her word and her commitment to the vows we made and whatever is in there is her business, and she has been ok with that.

So here was my challenge and slight slip, but I am going to continue to stand my ground.  Last night around the table I asked my son (her step son) if he had started drivers ed yet and he said he had started the on-line portion.  She and I had discussed a B average threshold before classes are taken etc. and my son has been meeting that, though we have not quite finished the quarter.  So I had been corresponding with my ex-wife about classes and she took him to sign up and to the DMV for his permit so I relented and let her know that if my son didn’t keep his B average promise that I would not be on board with the final driving piece required to get his license. 

Ok, cut to the chase, after dinner my uBPD/NPDw  starts in on me about not being in the loop, that I ignore her and I am doing things behind her back etc, etc, etc.  I don’t get excited, I address her feelings and validate and at a point I have to step away and set the boundary that I don’t want her to talk to me that way.  Well, things calm down and she brings up one more time how she feels and I go to validate and she demands to see the email chain between my ex-wife and I and I tell her no that is a boundary and this is a conversation is not about the semantics of my emails with my ex-wife but about how she is feeling that I didn’t communicate the process better with her.  Well… she did NOT take that well.  She boiled and got quite agitated that I wouldn’t show her, so I started to relent and opened my email…but then I caught myself and said no and reiterated that was an inappropriate boundary based on what the conversation is.  My big slip, she kept in on me and I said “because it’s none of your business…”, wrong answer but I was getting rattled.  So at this point she goes off and not of course nothing is her business so nothing she does is my business complete with the implied threats turning my boundary about email into vailed threats of “well I guess I won’t know what she’s doing on her days off or on the weekend, and that could be anything…because it’s none of my business…”

Well, you guessed it…we’re back to the silent treatment and I’m sure distance and devaluation to follow.  But, I have to say that was my only slip, I calmly explained it as a response to being rattled by her tact of swearing and yelling and that this would always be a boundary in these types of situations as this was a simple conversation about communication and the way she and I work together to make decisions about raising our kids and I understand that, but to trace it all the way back to my entire email exchange with my ex-wife was inappropriate and unnecessary.

Anyway, that’s my story and I am going to remain strong and balance through this next wave as I am very interested to see how using the correct communication tools, keeping positive, healthy, connected with positive friends/family and self-validating will hopefully reduce the strength and duration of the silent/devaluation.  I think this is a very important test to see if this is something I can co-exist with and hopefully come back to a better relationship with my uBPD/NPDw through.

Thanks for listening.

NewStart

[Meili]

It sounds like you are doing fairly well, congratulations on that! 

We all make mistakes and slip every now and then. It's good that you caught yourself and didn't allow things to escalate.

[_Arkansas_]

I am pretty new to the forum but it is pretty inspirational to hear you going through problems that sound like mine, being honest about the struggle, but keeping up the effort to stick to what you have learned to help.

This is not easy stuff. The one thing I wish someone could remind me from time to time is that we don't learn much without failing. Getting better at these skills is probably going to take both recognizing successes and recovering from mistakes.

I feel horrible when I make mistakes. What are some things you do to stop from devaluation?

[NewStart]

Meili, I was doing pretty well until our latest tif that has ended in talk of divorce... .so I've got that going for me... .which is nice

_Arkansas_, It always makes me feel better when I read an experience like my own or someone says they understand what I am going through as it sounds familiar to their own situation, it helps validate that I am not going crazy and that this is really happening.

What do I do to stop the devaluation... .right now I think my last ditch effort is going to be self care as I am going to need to be strong to be the person my uBPD/NPDw needs... .we're giving it until spring and then going to re-evaluate... .wish me luck!