Elevating situation

[Lynnsie]

I have noticed a shift in my daughter's behaviors.  I found her many doses of her medication that she had not taken.  Many of her anti-depressant.  Some things are subtle but, she isn't seeing her boyfriend regularly.  Sleeping all day.  I wake her up over and over because then she's up at night.  That scares me.  She has no regard for the rules of the house.  I'm trying so hard to apply what I'm learning.  I'm trying so hard to understand.  Yesterday she asked for $10 to buy Tiger Cream for aching muscles.  I just got the overwhelming feeling I was being scammed.  She said I'm going to go for a really long walk.  It's 27 degrees here.  She leaves in 2 sweatshirts and a slouchy hat.  So I went through her room.  I easily found pot, a bowl, 3 makeshift bowls, 7 empty cigarette boxes, two items she took from my room (one that she had to dig to get to), and a candle she'd burned on her wooden dresser.  Also more evidence that , although she agreed not to go out of the roof to smoke she is still doing that.

 She gets her boyfriend to come meet her.  I really think to buy her the Tiger Cream because I asked for a receipt. He does whatever she wants.  She doesn't work she doesn't have money.  I'm very upset because I've been clear on my expectations especially regarding pot.  She says it's the only thing that takes her pain away completely.  Her medical condition is marked by unrelenting pain.  I've told her to obtain a prescription then.  I choose not to confront her.  I want to talk to her therapist to see the best way to cope with this without an elevation.  I really did not think she would have the gall to confront me before I could figure out how to handle it.  But she did!  

I went to my middle daughter's field hockey game.  My husband stayed home because we don't dare leave her there.  She started calling me on the phone wanting to know why I went through her room.  It didn't matter that pot was found just that I had gone through her room.  Eventually we get to a calmer place after repeated calls and texts.  It made me feel terrible that I couldn't be completely present for my other daughter.  Field hockey is something we both love and bond over.  I come home and my dd want s to talk to me.  I'm trying to remain calm, be validating, and make the conversation forward moving for us.  It did not work.  She was going to pack her things and live in the street.  I asked her not to do this with her brother awake.  That it would upset him greatly.  That became that I was saying she's a horrible person who is horrible for our family (except she said your family - excluding herself).  Then the suicidal talk began.  She knows that nothing would ever get better.  That she has thought about killing herself since she was 9.  That my constant ragging on her has put her back into thinking about it.  My ragging is over rules being broken everyday and lying.  She called me a fu**ing b___.  I just cried.  I never would have said that to my mother.  I don't recognize her when she talks like that.  The look in her eyes when she rages is scary.  My crying makes her feel ashamed.  Which is not what I want but, I don't know what to do.  I'm not even a person that cries much.  I cry a lot now.  My middle daughter told me on the way home that she said the other day "you're all a bunch of ___holes!" .  She doesn't understand why her sister calls us names.  

She signed a contract with her pain clinic and her regular Dr.  The pain clinic has come on board trying to help her since she shot herself because she reported that it was the overwhelming physical pain.  They will dismiss her as a patient if she test positive.  I think she moved an appointment before to be clean.  Just guessing.  Because of her disease without pain treatment I do believe everything would spiral out of control yet she's risking the very thing she just obtained again.  She went to a pediatric hospital that treated her pain well until 18.  They don't treat after 18 but, we live rurally and the dr.'s around here didn't want to treat an 18 year old in the manor she needs.  Her disease is rare.  In this rural area they don't deal with it.  In the city pediatric hospital we went to they did.  So she was put in this no where land.  She finally has treatment by a respected hospital again and she's risking it.  

I am so afraid my daughter  is going to do something irreparable and worst of all I feel like the ending is already written.  I'm trying to approach differently.  What do I do about the Marijuana?  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Lynnsie

I am so sorry you are struggling right now with your dd. Your story sounds similar to mine but my dd doesn't have a disease. What is causing the pain your dd is struggling with? She sounds very much like an addict to me. I know because this is what I have dealt with with my dd17. She has just returned home from rehab.

I think what you need most are some boundaries... .If my dd relapses she will go straight back to rehab. If she refuses to go she will be asked to find another place to live. If things are really bad I would call the police and report her drug use and have her arrested. Then she will be forced in to rehab.

There are consequences for every action... .it is important to let those play out. Don't try and fix her problem. Have you read any of the articles on the right sidebar? There is a way to communicate with your dd that will defuse the anger and the raging. Learning these new ways to interact with her will help with the constant conflict.

If my dd tells me she is suicidal I would take her to the first ER... .I never ignore a threat like that... they learn that there are consequences to making threats... .if she is suicidal then she needs help.

I would start with good boundaries and then make some house rules... .there has to be consequences.

[livednlearned]

Hi Lynnsie,

How are you doing? It is very stressful what you are dealing with right now. How do you feel about jellibeans suggestions to start with boundaries and consequences?

I'm also wondering if you live in a state where there is medical marijuana, and if this is something that your D would consider asking about. Or do you think your daughter is an addict?

It can be overwhelming to parent a child who has special needs. Do you have a network of support in your life, or a therapist you can talk to?

We are here for each other, and we also know how much it helps to write things out. Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and check with us to let us know how things are going for you.

LnL