Reconciling child emotions in an adult body and in an adult relationship

[upsidedown_world]

This is a hard one that I know I struggle with.  In a partnership, with a partner who is technically incapable of playing the part, due to the fact that emotionally they are somewhere between 3 and 7 years old, but with the intelligence, cunning and manipulative abilities of a 46 year-old.

When one of my kids used to tell me "I hate you!" when they were angry, it would roll off me like water off a duck - and I'd think "well then I'm probably doing SOMETHING right".  We expect people to grow up out of that kind of outburst and be more responsible with their displays of emotion.  No more lying down on the floor kicking and screaming, no more "I hate you", and no more throwing things.  The problem is, some of these behaviors are still very much present in the BPD.  When she says "I hate you", or starts demeaning me, I tend to first FEEL what she's saying as coming from a marriage partner.  And then if I can resist the urge to get defensive and jump on that bandwagon, I remind myself that she's a emotional child in an adult body and this is just her way of trying to even the score and regain control of her world, exactly like a child would do.

And then I can't help but think to myself "why on God's earth am I IN a relationship with someone who is emotionally retarded and incapable?"  Should this person even be in ANY relationship?  Probably not, yet she NEEDS it because she is nothing without drawing from someone external to herself.  We have kids, mortgage, the works - so it's not a simple matter of leaving this apartment for one by myself (which I would have done years ago if it was an option).

Furthermore, we can't even have an adult "argument" or discussion.  Any difference of opinion is seen as an assault to their ego and must be eliminated or cast aside with some disclaimer.  I see her triggered and off she goes, and I can't talk sense into her because if I DARE to bring up her past or her condition, I'm merely "labeling" her or calling her damaged goods.  YES, SHE IS damaged goods.  But only through recognizing that and her behaviors can she ever hope to change them - but the entire discussion is an emotional powder keg, so there IS no rationalizing or reasoning, no pointing out actual cause, just responding and trying to limit damage and add more things on the "avoid" list.  Even when things are NOT going wrong, she resorts to pulling up past crap - it seems because she NEEDS to reference turmoil to keep her mind occupied in negativity that's not pointing the finger at her directly.  We might have a couple of good days and then she accuses ME of falling back into old behaviors - which would include saying anything that goes contrary to what her feelings or horribly bad memory have designated as "truth".

I'm frankly rather weary of sympathy, empathy, truth, constantly taking the same baby steps and never expecting this adult person to be capable of walking by herself, and seeing things without the blatantly obvious and head-shakingly incredible cognitive distortions she employs on an ongoing basis.  I know that if you don't know better, you don't know - but surely SOMETHING must point people to a more valid truth - but I guess seeing that would be admitting to being wrong to begin with, which their egos cannot handle in the shame category - so in all, the entire situation is very dismal.  The light at the end of the tunnel would imply that they are living in the dark, hence they cannot allow their own selves to see it or they would have to face their own critical self-judgment.

So where, in this, is any hope?  Are there ever "lightning bolt" enlightened moments where people with BPD suddenly gain the impetus required to climb out of their own self-sanctioned muck-brain, or is this pretty much it?  I don't mind going through part of my life trying to be here for someone, provided they come around - but to watch them do this endlessly and drag me along on the emotional hellride is not a very entertaining prospect.

Surely there is some kind of "WAKE UP" therapy that can snap them out of their mindset.  My wife is in a DBT course and is taking anti-psychotics but her analysis of any situation is still so completely screwed up and fear-based (and the whole family sees it) that it essentially kidnaps her emotionally and holds everyone for ransom - she claims nobody validates her and everyone sides "against" her.  Yes well, nobody else has the same degree of cognitive distortion, and they shake their heads in practical disbelief that anyone could view things in the extreme and warped ways that she does.  Nobody wants to spell it out because they know full well that she'll turn on them and they'll be branded as enemy #1 for a very long time.

Do they ever grow up?  Is there anything that can be done besides changing their emotional diapers every time they soil them, and treating them like emotional babies instead of accountable human beings?  ARRGGH.

[jannieslosthope]

Hi uspidedown_world,

I completely identify with everything you said. I have a BPD husband and conversations would always go that way between us. I am just starting to learn that most of everything he says in a "discussion" was him projecting his feelings onto me. I would take everything he said as though it was something I was doing or not doing. I would take it all to heart. It is a hard one to grasp when your spouse says "I hate you" or "if you showed me the love you say you want maybe I would treat you with some respect". In the end you start to believe that you have somehow failed them in all aspects. No matter how patient, kind or loving your approach it just ends the same way. At one point I wondered if my spouse was actually addicted to arguing. It's like they start an argument over some petty thing and as soon as there is resolution its just a matter of hours before the next thing comes up that they need to "discuss" with you or have you fix in the relationship. And God forbid you if you mention any of their behaviors because that is a death sentence on you. Just try to remind yourself that when you question if the argument is a valid one then chances are your spouse may be in a projection mode, making you accountable for how they are feeling inside. I like to think they can grow and change, but like you I am just trying to make sense of the disorder and all of it's implications on our relationship. I just got into therapy but it is keeping me thinking healthier and giving me a place to make sense of it all. Maybe try a therapist for you, someone you can bounce stuff off so you don't go insane like I did trying to figure it all out.

[Henry II]

You must be married to my wife. All your experiences are like mine. Of course it didn't start out that way.

  I feel that my W can NEVER get better. She has been in T all her life with different T's and although they help her get thru the week, she has gotten worse as she has aged. Too bad. She knows that she has all the problems of a BPD , just does not know about BPD's. And I am told not to tell her. I hate to label people.

  She has refused to go into rehab for depression/anxiety where they would do a diagnosis. Too bad. I feel I need to leave. May be your choice also. Luck.