She can't care for herself.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've struggled, in my mind, with the fact that my uBPDgf can't take care of herself. She struggles to do the basic things, like washing dishes. She hasn't had a job in years. She-also has two kids, from another man. He is a VERY-minimally involved Dad/ex-husband.

I help somewhat, when spending time with her. Not as much as I did at first. If she's willing to participate, I'll occasionally work with her to clean her home, yard or whatever else. I don't provide financially for her, or her kids.

Here is the problem. I feel guilty that I don't provide for her. That, maybe I should remove myself, in response to my conscience. Perhaps, if I did, some angel of a man, would come in and take care of her.

I am not motivated to shoulder her responsibilities for a couple of reasons. 1. I don't feel that she deserves it from me, based on her past harsh behaviors. Her cruelty, violence, yelling, etc. and 2. It's her lack of responsibility, not mine.

So, I am trying to decide if I should let go. Maybe if I did, she would find the care-giver that she needs. And, I would stop feeling that her responsibilities are going to roll my way.

[felix22]

I've struggled, in my mind, with the fact that my uBPDgf can't take care of herself. She struggles to do the basic things, like washing dishes. She hasn't had a job in years. She-also has two kids, from another man. He is a VERY-minimally involved Dad/ex-husband.

I help somewhat, when spending time with her. Not as much as I did at first. If she's willing to participate, I'll occasionally work with her to clean her home, yard or whatever else. I don't provide financially for her, or her kids.

Here is the problem. I feel guilty that I don't provide for her. That, maybe I should remove myself, in response to my conscience. Perhaps, if I did, some angel of a man, would come in and take care of her.

I am not motivated to shoulder her responsibilities for a couple of reasons. 1. I don't feel that she deserves it from me, based on her past harsh behaviors. Her cruelty, violence, yelling, etc. and 2. It's her lack of responsibility, not mine.

So, I am trying to decide if I should let go. Maybe if I did, she would find the care-giver that she needs. And, I would stop feeling that her responsibilities are going to roll my way.

[Turkish]

My Ex told me, "I need someone to lead me and guide me." The implication was that I was not that man. Even a year later, I mourn our r/s, but I also think,."would I want such a r/s now that she's spelled it out?"

I think it goes back to values: ours. I sought these relationships out in the past,.but after a few years in one, I realized it wasn't what I desired, no matter how much value I took from being a Provider.

What do you value, and what do you desire?

[felix22]

That is what I have been realizing too. Is that I am having a value conflict. Thanks for your reply.

[Loosestrife]

When these people are not in relationships they survive just fine

[ApChagi1]

It is so very frustrating.  My dBPDw hasn't worked in seven years and refuses to help with chores around the house because "she had to do a lot of chores as a kid and doesn't think she should have to do them now."  She also doesn't bathe or brush her teeth regularly.  I'm trying to accept she has an illness and can't do those things, but most days I just want to tell her to hit the road.  I'm just an adult babysitter at this point. 

[Loosestrife]

It is so very frustrating.  My dBPDw hasn't worked in seven years and refuses to help with chores around the house because "she had to do a lot of chores as a kid and doesn't think she should have to do them now."  She also doesn't bathe or brush her teeth regularly.  I'm trying to accept she has an illness and can't do those things, but most days I just want to tell her to hit the road.  I'm just an adult babysitter at this point.  

I disagree, she can do these things... .She just doesn't have to as she has a personal slave - you. Sorry to sound harsh. The stop caretaking book is a good read 

[ApChagi1]

It is so very frustrating.  My dBPDw hasn't worked in seven years and refuses to help with chores around the house because "she had to do a lot of chores as a kid and doesn't think she should have to do them now."  She also doesn't bathe or brush her teeth regularly.  I'm trying to accept she has an illness and can't do those things, but most days I just want to tell her to hit the road.  I'm just an adult babysitter at this point.  

I disagree, she can do these things... .She just doesn't have to as she has a personal slave - you. Sorry to sound harsh. The stop caretaking book is a good read 

That is a very good point.  I do have that book.  Anytime I try to ask her for help on something, it becomes a fight about how I'm being a chauvinist and I think women should do this or that, which I promise is not the truth. 

[adventurer]

Anytime I try to ask her for help on something, it becomes a fight about how I'm being a chauvinist and I think women should do this or that, which I promise is not the truth. 

She wants to fight because then you are the bad guy for arguing with her, instead of her being the bad guy for not helping with anything.  Don't give her what she wants.

[rlhmm]

When these people are not in relationships they survive just fine

  they survive... .thats about it, until they can get their meat hooks sunk into the next replacement. 

[felix22]

Thanks for the comments guys. I just watched Shutter Island, by M. Scorcese. Left a sour taste in my mouth, in regards to feminine madness. How disturbing and clear. A good movie like that can bring into sharp focus certain elements that we all, as people, deal with, being alive. Ugh.

[drummerboy]

They are the ultimate "victims" nothing is their fault and they seem to devote their lives to seeking out people that will listen to them whine about how unjustly life and other people treat them. I now avoid people who do this like the plague.

Do not feel guilty, they need help but not the sort of help that an enabler gives them, they need professional help but that doesn't happen until they get some insight into their condition. Their enablers only make things worse for them. Every time an enabler does something for them they are effectively telling them that they are incapable.

[Turkish]

They are the ultimate "victims" nothing is their fault and they seem to devote their lives to seeking out people that will listen to them whine about how unjustly life and other people treat them. I now avoid people who do this like the plague.

Do not feel guilty, they need help but not the sort of help that an enabler gives them, they need professional help but that doesn't happen until they get some insight into their condition. Their enablers only make things worse for them. Every time an enabler does something for them they are effectively telling them that they are incapable.

It's tougher with a lover, but what you said above worked in regards to my BPD mom... When I stopped the financial rescues, she needed to buck up. She did, and she feels good about herself. I validate that. I had a dynamic with my Ex and I think it shamed her in a way, even if she also wanted me to take care of her emotionally...

[felix22]

Once again, thanks for your comments everyone! I have become pretty routine at establishing boundaries over the last few years. It's still a drag though, since we don't live together, and I'm not her care-giver anymore, I sort of wonder who is there when I'm not, if you know what I mean. Then again, at least I'm not there all the time, shouldering her responsibilities. Life is so much easier in that respect now-a-days. Stay strong guys!

[Loosestrife]

I can relate to Turkesh's: 'I need someone to teach me and guide me' as I have been told this a few times. Its waif behaviour to inspire pity from us... .it also makes me recoil in horror and I am not parenting a toddler or joined up the be a help dog for the disabled!

[felix22]

Yeah, it is horrific. The waif-like plays for pity overlap with socio/psychopathic behavior. Sometimes, I question if they aren't a sociopath? So similar in many ways. Plays for pity, bad general behavior, using people, lying. It's all in the same stand of trees, that's for sure.