Can a BPD 24 yr old girl have a good marriage to a 23 yr old Asperger's guy?

[Ohiomom89]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes with the question:  from what I know about my BPD daughter, her "engagement" to her very first-ever boyfriend who has Asperger's, seems like a lose-lose.  I wondered if anyone has any experience or similar/thoughts/advice.

I KNOW my d's need for love, attention, sympathy/empathy, etc.  I KNOW she *wants* a relationship where he will be there for her, listen to her, etc.  Things of course we ALL need.  But putting this combo together just seems doomed from the start, but both being so rigid, they don't want to hear it (I believe, they don't want to BELIEVE it).  I guess I know intellectually I can't stop anything a 23 & 24 year old are going to do who already live together, but even now, it's explosive at times.  Not violent explosive, but verbal.

My daughter wants empathy; he does not provide that.  She wants attention; he is a compulsive, inflexible video-gamer.  He works hard for 8 hours and wants his evenings, his.  She "can't believe" he doesn't think about Valentine's Day, birthdays, etc. and says they are not a big deal, to him, it's another day, commercialized and he's "not going to feed into the hype."  Their days consist of him working, she can't hold jobs so watches t.v., he comes home, HE gets on the computer, she whines for attention, he ignores her, etc.  He has a LOT of patience (I like him personally, he's a great kid) but after job loss after job loss, he throws "jabs."  Or her many other things like the self-injury, suicidal threats, etc.  After 2+ years now, he pretty much just "calls a cab and sends me off to the hospital, how COULD he DO that?." (He cannot drive).  He's pretty verbal at times, other times he just ignores her.

He cannot think past this hour/day, she is planning (nothing's been done, no $$), the wedding "all by myself!  He doesn't even know the DATE!"  I am really in fear that she's going to purposely get pregnant and *think* that is going to *change* him.  She says she knows about Asperger's (duh, mom!) but yet, gets very upset at him for things he can't help!  And he, too, knows about BPD, but gets very upset at her for things SHE can't help.  I shudder to think she would have a baby "to love me unconditionally, always.  My friends that are younger already have one... ."  Definitely the wrong reasons. And I know I cannot stop whatever they do, but I also know I am not going to raise a child.  I'm struggling to hold myself together as it is.  If you'd of asked me 6 years ago about grandchildren, I'd of said " Bring it on!  I can't WAIT!"  I have nothing left to give, I'm maxed out with what is on my plate already.  I know babies are on her mind as she's been to a couple baby showers and "visits" one or two friends (long aquaintences, really) and holds/cuddles their kids for a little bit.  That is MUCH different than 24/7.  Her fiancé would agree to anything almost, not thinking it through fully.  His parents pretty much aren't in the picture, they send packages on holidays or whatever, but are very busy people.  In over 2 and a half years, I've met them briefly, twice.

Off my soapbox... .going to go take care of ME now. Thanks 

[Lifewriter16]

Hello Ohio Mom,

If you ask me, this marriage is bound to go ahead and they will live UNHAPPILY ever after unless SHE leaves for someone else.

I read somewhere that people with BPD and people with AS often make partnerships. The article said it was because people with AS are easy to control. Personally, I think men with AS have few relationship options because of their lack of social skills and that's why they shack up with whomever shows an interest in them. They don't really date, they just take the first woman who comes along who seems to like THEM. Men with AS do better in a relationship than out of one, even a bad one. Once in a relationship, they virtually never, ever leave and don't tend to have affairs. They have to be despatched.  From the perspective of a woman with BPD, perhaps a man with AS is the perfect partner because she can play out her rejection issues time and time again without ever having to truly risk abandonment or face her fears of intimacy.

I am in the middle of an amicable divorce from an AS man. We have been married for 15 years. He, too, showed no interest in planning the wedding, except to turn up as expected. I hoped for lovey, dovey moments cooing over our promises of undying love and got none of that. I nearly broke off the engagement, but didn't get the right support at the time, so I went ahead. I can relate to your daughter's complaints. It will always be thus.

The big problem is the baby issue. My husband went along with having children quite happily having given it virtually no thought. To be fair to him, men with AS have deficits in imagination so they can't tell whether they will like a thing until they experience it. My husband has often said that he wishes we'd never had the children. 

If it were me, I'd do as much as possible to ensure the young couple never have enough money to have the fairy tale wedding your daughter is probably craving. This may give her enough time to blow a gasket and start to want someone else. If she gets pregnant, don't encourage them to get married, because being married makes it so much harder to move on and she will eventually want to. BPD can be cured. AS is for life. I'd also put other men in her path to tempt her from the straight and narrow. The seems a bit manipulative, but what I'm really saying is this: don't enable their relationship and perhaps she'll get out. If she eventually gets help, she'll realise she can't stay with him because her needs are not being and never will be met. If they are not married, it will be easier, even if there is a child involved.

Good luck. I can see why you are concerned. I'm sure her boyfriend is lovely in his own way, so is my husband, but needs must be met, they are ESSENTIAL. You are simply trying to protect her.