Is this normal? I suspect there will never be a recycle.

[confused1730]

I will try and keep the whole story brief(ish). After an 18 months relationship with my BPD ex the final discard was in late October last year. The final months were horrific in terms of her behaviour towards me and I believe she was hanging on to me until she found a new branch... .the final days of her screaming "I could have any man in the world but I am stuck on", "I hate you" saw me saying I was emotionally withdrawing and this the triggered her to say she was done and that was it... .she abandoned first I guess.

For a short period I understand she got back with an ex, just someone she had dated a while, an obvious and clear distraction from me who believe me blacker than black by now.

I saw her two days before Xmas in a car on her own she saw me and whilst we didn't acknowledge ten hours later she sent a drama seeking text "please avoid driving dangerously to get my attention"... .ridiculous behaviour that I ignored and No contact from me has been all the way through. I started a casual friendship/dating with a nice woman in Jan... .not a relationship, but friendship. My exBPD got wind of it I believe mid February and tried to make indirect contact with a friends girlfriend who she had not spoke with in 16 months, presumably to find out what was going on in a roundabout way with me. That is not egotistical by the way, more logical, she doesn't know the friends girlfriend and was wanting a "catch up".

However, since then I understand through stupidly unblocking on on Facebook (we aren't friends) I see that she is in the relatively early days of a new relationship. She is in a "beautiful place", "found her soulmate" "never been as happy", with friends and family liking the pictures of her and her new man. When I unblocked her, she quickly blocked me and then the following day unblocked me... .again we are not Facebook friends but I have tried to give you all the picture.

So... .my question (and I have started therapy). I have always stubbled to detach from this very hot, intoxicating, crazy woman. What I am asking is will the new guy go through what I did? Will it be idealisation for him as well? Will she ever grieve or think of me, or has she already through her behaviour. I guess I wonder if by unblocking me too she has done that to make me jealous, or is it just the idealisation all over gain?

[lm911]

Idealisation is over for you. The glass is broken. She may try to recycle when she break with her new guy, but it is not so sure, and even if it happens it will not be a solid relationship between you two.

She is playing some mind-games with facebook, trying to get your attetion, to show you that she is better with you.

As for him, sure I do not think he will be idealised as you were, he is just a replacement, rebound relationship, an impulsive act to make her pain go away and forget you. But she won't forget you, and her pain won't go away. When she understands she will break up with him( no one can't tell how long this will be, but it will not be long enough, due to she is trying to reach to you).

[cosmonaut]

Hey, confused.

It really hurts to be painted so black and to have your ex saying such hurtful things.  I'm sorry you are going through that.  I know it sucks.

It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of the dynamics of a BPD relationship already.  You understand that pwBPD seek out attachments in order to compensate for their inability to have formed an autonomous self.  This was something that happened very early in life to them, and it's not their fault, of course.  As a result of this failure in development, pwBPD look to become whole by fusing with another person.  And when they first find this attachment, it is a wonderful experience for them.  You probably went through this yourself with your ex.  This is the so called honeymoon period.  This is very likely what you are seeing with your ex and her Facebook postings.

As you also probably know, however, this is not able to be lasting.  Sooner or later all of the old fears will be activated, especially the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment.  This will cause her overwhelming emotional distress and shame, and she will respond to save herself using the only tools she knows - the very primitive coping mechanisms of BPD.  So, she will engage in splitting, running, silent treatments, rages, impulsive behaviors, cutting etc. in an attempt to shut off the pain she feels.  Unfortunately, unless she begins treatment for her disorder and is able to learn to control her responses to her emotions, she is not going to be able to form lasting relationships.  And this is a great tragedy for everyone, and one that you have already been so hurt by.

I hope that helps a bit.  Try to realize that your ex is not doing this because of anything that you did, or any failing in you.  It is truly not your fault.  She is doing this, because she is disordered.  Have sympathy for her if you can.

[cosmonaut]

Hi again, confused.  Are you interested in recycling with your ex?

I also should have mentioned that your ex probably does think of you.  We had a thread on here a while back that was rather enlightening on one member's experience with their own ex discussing this.  You really did mean something very special to your ex once, even if it may not seem like it now.  It was because of the emotionally intimacy that was formed that she is behaving the way that she is and splitting you black.  BPD is full of contradictions like that.

What would you do if she were to contact you?

[confused1730]

I am sure while she is so "in love" and "happy" and in a "beautiful place" I will not be recycled! Or am I naive ?

[myself]

She might try, might not.

How concerned are you about it?

You won't be recycled unless you choose to be.

[cosmonaut]

She might try, might not.

How concerned are you about it?

You won't be recycled unless you choose to be.

I think this is very good advice.  I don't have a good feeling on what you are wanting, confused.  Are you hurt that you don't think she would recycle?  Relieved?  Sad?

[confused1730]

I think this is very good advice.  I don't have a good feeling on what you are wanting, confused.  Are you hurt that you don't think she would recycle?  Relieved?  Sad?

How do I feel? Well the problem I have is difficulty in detaching from her that is why I have started seeing a therapist. Clearly I recognise the idealisation phase of what this new guy is going through is just what I had. The Facebook thing through me quite a bit there is no doubt. Obviously the distraction she had in November with some attachment appears different to this where she is telling the world just how in love she is etc. I guess I am hoping the idealisation ends for her and there at some point will be a touch of me being turned white though I suspect those days are gone.