I want to go back to her

[daz_bpd]

I want to go back to her, I want to give it one last chance. I miss her too much. Its been over a year since we were 'together' but we both have stayed in contact and we both stil love each other.

I can do my best to set boundaries and communicate with her using the tools from the site. If the relationship remains unmanageable then I will leave with compassion and love, knowing Ive done everything I can

My concern returning to her, is that new problems arise that haven't come into the picture before - such as raising children together OR managing finances together.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey daz, Why do you think the outcome would be any different this time?  What makes you think your Ex has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.  LuckyJim

[daz_bpd]

Our relationship resembles the 'How a Borderline Relationship Evolves', she has ended things with me countless times only to return to me the next day. She is 30-years old yet has tantrums like a child, is hypersensitive, extremely needy and very controlling. She 'HATES ME' and then loves me several times a week, for two years.

Her main source of pain and frustration and stress has been the fact that I haven't returned to her. She feels I betrayed her for promising to return to her and I made a stand saying I won't continue being with her if her reckless spending, and lying about finances continues. She loves me enough, or needs me enough to have stuck around for this long, but she has said several times she will leave me soon, even if I do what she asks.

I've had a tough day at work, and after paying for all her expenses, and tuition, i'm struggling to have cash for myself for month end.

[ogopogodude]

Okay,... . you want to go back. You miss her. That's perfectly natural.  I miss my wife as well.

But I choose not to go back as she will not even acknowledge her poor (well-documented) behaviour patterns of the past.

If you REALLY want her back, ... . but you cannot stand her tantrums, violent rages, and so on, ... . then MAKE A LIST of these correctable behavioural issues and say to her, as well as give her a WRITTEN one page list (no more than one page as a BPD can act like a simpleton) of your "demands"... .

And state CLEARLY (like a lawyer's letter) getting back together is NOT going to happen unless she addresses these here demands.

Then get her to sign it and date it.


(It sounds like you and your gal do not have children yet. The thing to do is NOT have children.  Just don't. Not yet. Or not at all.  And keep in mind a BPD afflicted person may trick you and get pregnant just to keep you around to torment you for life. Remember this last sentence the next time you are considering taking your pants off in front of her.  This happened to me. Learn from others' mistakes).

Keep in mind that there are always other fish in the sea.

[Loosestrife]

Okay,... . you want to go back. You miss her. That's perfectly natural.  I miss my wife as well.

But I choose not to go back as she will not even acknowledge her poor (well-documented) behaviour patterns of the past.

If you REALLY want her back, ... . but you cannot stand her tantrums, violent rages, and so on, ... . then MAKE A LIST of these correctable behavioural issues and say to her, as well as give her a WRITTEN one page list (no more than one page as a BPD can act like a simpleton) of your "demands"... .

And state CLEARLY (like a lawyer's letter) getting back together is NOT going to happen unless she addresses these here demands.

Then get her to sign it and date it.


(It sounds like you and your gal do not have children yet. The thing to do is NOT have children.  Just don't. Not yet. Or not at all.  And keep in mind a BPD afflicted person may trick you and get pregnant just to keep you around to torment you for life. Remember this last sentence the next time you are considering taking your pants off in front of her.  This happened to me. Learn from others' mistakes).

Keep in mind that there are always other fish in the sea.

If she has BPD traits this is a pointless exercise as you are sitting her up to fail. You could ask her to acknowledge the relationship isn't healthy and go back on the condition she gets help.

If you do want her to be a completely different person then there's no point in going back

[an0ught]

Hi daz_BPD,

how committed is she on her end to improve herself?

My concern returning to her, is that new problems arise that haven't come into the picture before - such as raising children together OR managing finances together.

any relationship will face challenges and not all of them can be excluded beforehand. So you have to work through them with what you got in that moment. Generally the less together you are the better. For children you obviously need a common front but maybe don't need to spend always all the time together. For finances it is best to keep things as separately contained as possible so any crisis will be equally contained.

Nobody can tell you it will be working. Staying requires some leap of faith. With respect to commitment I start thinking these days it may be better to commit to respect and working with skills than "staying". Staying more being the not assured outcome of a process that works for us and makes us happy.