think my ex-fiance was "acting in"- anyone else experience something similar?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I thought I had mostly healed from the pain of him walking out days before our wedding over a year ago but it seems that it's not as simple.  I am still healing from the relationship itself.  My therapist has been suggesting that he was pwBPD based on what I told her and I'm now realizing just how unhealthy he and the relationship was and how much healing I still have to do.  Even figuring out he likely is pwBPD still doesn't mean that I don't partly believe some of the terrible things he would say about me. 

He seemed really self-aware in that he would describe to me how empty he felt and how he would become overwhelmed by emotions.  Then he would need to disappear and have alone time.  He said he would feel exhausted, like he was always wearing a cheery mask around other people.  He knew that researching suicide wasn't normal, neither was self-harm, and that it would scare me if I found out.  He also knew he was suffering.  However, he refused therapy, and told me that he had it all under control as long as I would keep my emotions under control.  Then he left after telling me that he would commit suicide if we got married a few years in and be miserable. 

I guess Im still trying to make sense of it all.  I don't understand.  He seemed so rational all the time.  He hid it very very well.  He tried to treat me well.  and when he was with other people, he was charming.  At times I think he was right-- that if I was more chill, if I hadn't had to have so many "talks" with him about our relationship itself, if I never got upset at anything, we would still be together.  I always strive at self-improvement and I wanted us to have a great relationship so I wanted to do pre-marital counseling and I would try to talk about things sometimes.  He said it was my fault that he was thinking about suicide and escaping because I made him talk about things.   

Unlike other pwBPD that I'm reading about, he never lashed out at me, never lost his cool verbally.  However, the things that he has revealed are starting to add up and making us think pwBPD: about dark thoughts, researching suicide methods, writing suicide notes, suffering, inability to handle emotions, detachment, inability to handle seeing me get emotional about my parents, needing to isolate, feeling empty, not feeling like the world offers much, not liking spending time around people, he told me basically I was his great love in month three of dating, feeling like a failure when I wasn't 100% happy, that he thought he was meant to be alone in the world, that he didn't want to lose me, his fear that one day he would harm me, punching the wall and tables after a discussion about our relationship and commitment, are starting to add up.  He didn't tell me much about this stuff until years in to the relationship and hid other things from me as well.  I walked around on eggshells because I didn't want to trigger him into one of his moods, because he woudl constantly question on our compatability implying that he would leave.  He said he walked around on eggshells because he felt he couldn't be himself and had to pretend to be happy and considerate with me, otherwise I would get upset and make him talk and that was the worst for him. 

Has anyone else dealt with this?  Does this sound like pwBPD? If so, how do you handle yourself in the next relationship when the person touches upon some of this?  For example, when my new boyfriend said in jest that I was too demanding because I didn't want him using his phone during dinner, I got very upset and would remember when my ex called me demanding because I wanted us to talk about our wedding, or basically talk about anything, and now I realize that meant he was suffering and thinking about leaving. 

[makingsense120]

I thought I had mostly healed from the pain of him walking out days before our wedding over a year ago but it seems that it's not as simple.  I am still healing from the relationship itself.  My therapist has been suggesting that he was pwBPD based on what I told her and I'm now realizing just how unhealthy he and the relationship was and how much healing I still have to do.  Even figuring out he likely is pwBPD still doesn't mean that I don't partly believe some of the terrible things he would say about me. 

He seemed really self-aware in that he would describe to me how empty he felt and how he would become overwhelmed by emotions.  Then he would need to disappear and have alone time.  He said he would feel exhausted, like he was always wearing a cheery mask around other people.  He knew that researching suicide wasn't normal, neither was self-harm, and that it would scare me if I found out.  He also knew he was suffering.  However, he refused therapy, and told me that he had it all under control as long as I would keep my emotions under control.  Then he left after telling me that he would commit suicide if we got married a few years in and be miserable. 

I guess Im still trying to make sense of it all.  I don't understand.  He seemed so rational all the time.  He hid it very very well.  He tried to treat me well.  and when he was with other people, he was charming.  At times I think he was right-- that if I was more chill, if I hadn't had to have so many "talks" with him about our relationship itself, if I never got upset at anything, we would still be together.  I always strive at self-improvement and I wanted us to have a great relationship so I wanted to do pre-marital counseling and I would try to talk about things sometimes.  He said it was my fault that he was thinking about suicide and escaping because I made him talk about things.   

Unlike other pwBPD that I'm reading about, he never lashed out at me, never lost his cool verbally.  However, the things that he has revealed are starting to add up and making us think pwBPD: about dark thoughts, researching suicide methods, writing suicide notes, suffering, inability to handle emotions, detachment, inability to handle seeing me get emotional about my parents, needing to isolate, feeling empty, not feeling like the world offers much, not liking spending time around people, he told me basically I was his great love in month three of dating, feeling like a failure when I wasn't 100% happy, that he thought he was meant to be alone in the world, that he didn't want to lose me, his fear that one day he would harm me, punching the wall and tables after a discussion about our relationship and commitment, are starting to add up.  He didn't tell me much about this stuff until years in to the relationship and hid other things from me as well.  I walked around on eggshells because I didn't want to trigger him into one of his moods, because he woudl constantly question on our compatability implying that he would leave.  He said he walked around on eggshells because he felt he couldn't be himself and had to pretend to be happy and considerate with me, otherwise I would get upset and make him talk and that was the worst for him. 

Has anyone else dealt with this?  Does this sound like pwBPD? If so, how do you handle yourself in the next relationship when the person touches upon some of this?  For example, when my new boyfriend said in jest that I was too demanding because I didn't want him using his phone during dinner, I got very upset and would remember when my ex called me demanding because I wanted us to talk about our wedding, or basically talk about anything, and now I realize that meant he was suffering and thinking about leaving. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Makingsense and welcome!

It certainly sounds like BPD to me! (not that any of us can diagnose) 

I relate to a lot of your experience with your partner.

However, your partner sounds much more self aware than mine was. While mine did not express the emotions and inner turmoil you heard, I could tell from his actions that a similar struggle was likely going on inside of him. While my ex also did not do much of the acting out behaviors, just as yours, I got a lot of unnecessary blame, he couldn't handle me having any emotion but happy.  He couldn't handle himself having any emotion but happy. Problems, for the most part, were really just not up for discussion or resolution.

He certainly had a charming mask out in public, especially perfect around my family and our couples counselor.

The worst part was the conflict he had about being in the r/s.  He always seemed like he kept one foot in and the other out.  It felt partly an expression of his genuine inner conflict, but with mostly NPD traits, I also believe for mine, it was also about control.


It does sound like you are trying hard to be aware our yourself in your new r/s.

It also sounds like you have a bit to still process about the experiences with your ex and how they have shaped your responses to things around you.

I think it is good that you made the connection that you did.

How did your current bf respond when you got emotional?

[cosmonaut]

Hi makingsense.



You've certainly been through a lot with your ex, and I'm so sorry for all the pain you've experienced along the way.  I hope that we can help you in healing from that.  I can understand why you feel so confused and have so many questions.  These are deeply confusing relationships and there is so much that doesn't make rational sense, because there is tremendous disorder at work.  I'm really glad that you've found us.  This is a great place to not only receive support in that goal, but also to learn more about the disorder.

Does your ex have BPD?  Well, it sounds like he could.  There's a number of things you have mentioned that I think are red flags: the emotional instability at times and other times detachment, the feeling of emptiness, the self destructive behaviors.  We can't say for certain if your ex has BPD, but I think we can say that there are definitely some traits.  Often that is the best that we can determine without a diagnosis.  This is the case for most of us here, too - we don't have a diagnosed ex.  Usually, we just work under the assumption that there are enough BPD traits, and we go with that.  Ultimately, what really matters for us is healing, and we don't get too hung up on diagnosis. 

Some pwBPD do tend to act in as opposed to acting out.  My ex was that way.  She was not one to often rage, she was never physically abusive, and she often just wanted to disappear into seclusion.  She had serious problems with self destructive behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, as well as an eating disorder.  Some pwBPD are like this.  It is quite possible that this is close to what your ex experienced, too.

Learning about how to improve our relationships is a great goal, and one that members on the site can help you with as well.  Have you had a chance to look at the Lessons in the [L4] Building Healthy Relationships & Dating board?  If not, that might be a good place to start on getting some more information.  I'd also encourage you to post on the Healthy Relationship board and ask members there directly for advice.  I'm sure you will find members that are happy to help.

Welcome again, makingsense.  I hope that you will keep posting and continue to be part of the community.  It helps to know that we are not alone, and that there are people who understand.   

[StarOfTheSea]

Sunfl0wer and MakingSense,

I can relate to what both of you are talking about. My exBPDbf was a great actor that played many roles: charming bf, competent professional, enraged ex husband, intimidating enforcer, but his real self is a broken, hurt child with no self esteem. We all play roles in our lives, but our fundamental character is always there and will always show through. His rarely did, except with me; it must be an exhausting way to live. There was so much fluff when he played a 'character', but never much substance.

I always felt like he had one foot out the door, too, which I chalk up to him not believing he could actually be in or be deserving of a loving relationship. This sounds weird, but I remember after my miscarriage and surgery I was so sick and heartbroken, I was in bed and scared to death because I felt like he hated me. I actually put together an escape plan in my head that day. Now that's f-ed up, to be in that physical and mental state and planning what I would do if I had to get out of there fast.

I think they're such good actors because they are terrified to let their authentic, true selves be seen for fear of us leaving them.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sunfl0wer and MakingSense,

I can relate to what both of you are talking about. My exBPDbf was a great actor that played many roles: charming bf, competent professional, enraged ex husband, intimidating enforcer, but his real self is a broken, hurt child with no self esteem. We all play roles in our lives, but our fundamental character is always there and will always show through. His rarely did, except with me; it must be an exhausting way to live. There was so much fluff when he played a 'character', but never much substance.

I always felt like he had one foot out the door, too, which I chalk up to him not believing he could actually be in or be deserving of a loving relationship. This sounds weird, but I remember after my miscarriage and surgery I was so sick and heartbroken, I was in bed and scared to death because I felt like he hated me. I actually put together an escape plan in my head that day. Now that's f-ed up, to be in that physical and mental state and planning what I would do if I had to get out of there fast.

I think they're such good actors because they are terrified to let their authentic, true selves be seen for fear of us leaving them.

That sounds links such an awful position to be in, that when you are most needing support, for you to feel that your partner hates you! 

I am so grateful to this site because that is also a theme I am seeing with other members, that mine did also, ... .anger when I am needing support.  There were times I was either ill or distraught, needing him the most, and I was baffled and devastated how obvious it "should" be to offer comfort and compassion at these time.  Instead, I felt anger and frustration toward me. 

Honestly, idk what it is, I truly often date men who can not handle moments when I need help... .another ex I dated who is not PD also could not deal with me being "in need."  I remember cutting myself, preparing vegetables and needing to go to the ER to stop the bleeding, and he literally just kept on cooking as if nothing was happening.  Another person in the room had to help me, because he literally just carried on as if I had only sneezed.  (As I was writhing in pain in horror at the site of my blood and pain... .I was in a literal state of shock)

Humm... .maybe I should start a new thread on this one... .I'm curious.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through the miscarriage feeling so alone!  That sounds devastating!  Why an escape plan? Are you afraid of your safety?

I wish you had a partner that could be there for you, grieve with you, share this devastating experience, comfort and support you through it.   

[StarOfTheSea]

SunflOwer,

I think  it's  their lack of empathy that makes us feel like we're  hated when we  have something  happen to us. That and the fact that they just can't cope with emotions, so they 'turn off' or 'turn cold'.

My m/c was absolutely devastating  and heartbreaking and him acting like a distant  a-hole made it even worse. I felt very alone, I still do. His last communication  with me was a vicious voice mail  in which he mentioned our lost baby and made some very hurtful  comments. I didn't  hate him until that day, but now I loathe him. I put together my escape  plan because  I was fully expecting him to kick  me out of the house.  I had a real sense that he had turned on me and that he hated me because I was the source of his trauma. Never mind the fact that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. That it wasn't my fault. I understand that moms and dads cope differently with the loss, but he made me feel  like I had no value, that I was a piece of garbage; I guess that was when I was knocked off my pedestal  in his mind.

Sorry, MakingSense, I feel like I jacked your thread.  

[Sunfl0wer]

SunflOwer,

I think  it's  their lack of empathy that makes us feel like we're  hated when we  have something  happen to us. That and the fact that they just can't cope with emotions, so they 'turn off' or 'turn cold'.

My m/c was absolutely devastating  and heartbreaking and him acting like a distant  a-hole made it even worse. I felt very alone, I still do. His last communication  with me was a vicious voice mail  in which he mentioned our lost baby and made some very hurtful  comments. I didn't  hate him until that day, but now I loathe him. I put together my escape  plan because  I was fully expecting him to kick  me out of the house.  I had a real sense that he had turned on me and that he hated me because I was the source of his trauma. Never mind the fact that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. That it wasn't my fault. I understand that moms and dads cope differently with the loss, but he made me feel  like I had no value, that I was a piece of garbage; I guess that was when I was knocked off my pedestal  in his mind.

Sorry, MakingSense, I feel like I jacked your thread.  

Yes, lack of empathy is a start, however, it was also clear to me that uNPD/BPDex was angry at me too.  I think he saw my illness as narcissistic injury.  Either a failure on his part, thus projecting failure onto me, or that we were so enmeshed that my illness made him look bad, so he would treat me like I was not ill. 

Wow, if I can imagine the feelings that would be stirred up for any parent after such loss... .a natural sense of guilt, anguish, confusion, anger, grief... .  now pair that with a person with emotional soothing and regulation issues.  Heck! Scary!

I made a thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275853.msg12612311#msg12612311

[makingsense120]

Thanks for your responses.  Because my ex was always cool as a cucumber outwardly, (well except the two times when he punched the wall and the table), it made me feel like I was the one with emotional problems.  He would tell me that I needed to figure out how to be less emotional, (i.e. exhibit no emotions) and I believed him and I'm still trying hard to remind myself that everything that was going on inside his head meant that it was him.  A lot of those lessons and other materials on this site seem to be regarding people who have been screamed at or called names or raged at, which I never experienced.  It's helpful to know that other people went through the same thing. 

I also felt like he had one foot in the door and one foot out.  In part, I think that was the theme of our relationship-- me trying so hard to convince him that we can work together on a good relationship, that I didn't see that he couldn't.  I would never describe him as outwardly manipulative, or selfish, because I feel like he did his very best to put me before him and try to make me happy but ultimately, he just couldn't overcome what he was struggling with.  Maybe I'm sounding defensive of him, but I truly believe that his heart was in the right place and he pushed himself as much as he could, but that seeing me exhibit emotions affected him so much and the idea of being in a close relationship where he had to deal with things besides his own problem was too much.  We would have talks and I would lay out specific things: e.g. when I'm in a bad mood, hug me and show me pictures of puppies or something else to cheer me up.  He tried, but it would never feel right because he himself wasn't light-hearted.  I just don't know, because now i'm realizing that keeping me happy was also something he did for him, so he wouldn't feel like a failure, so maybe his intentions weren't as pure as I thought?

What I do blame him for is cancelling all of those therapist appointments and refusing to get help. I blame him for disassociating and detaching secretly for god knows how long and  waiting until right before our wedding.  I also blame him for unleashing a storm of terrible things about me, for hours when he broke up with me, which I know he didn't believe the whole time the whole time together but that he convinced himself so he didn't have to say it was him.  I wish he would've been strong enough to acknowledge that what was happening in his brain was a problem, was his problem, and that he needed to work on it. 

How do we not let this all affect us now?  When someone doesn't respond as we like, for example, when we are hurt, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt like I used to with ex, now I start thinking that he is just thinking bad things about me.  Are we now ruined from thinking the best of everyone?