Separating/divorcing from partner with BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi,

I am divorcing a partner with BPD.  :)oes anyone have advice or experience during this period.  She forced me out of my home and was having an intense affair behind my back.  We have two children and she will not negotiate anything regarding custody.  She feels because she was the primary care giver she should not share custody.  She still rages at me in front of the children and did this a week ago at the kids school.  We have been separated for 4 months now.  She has moved her girlfriend into the house with my children  She is cruel and relentlessly emotionally abusive because I would not accept this affair.  In the interim she has basically ended our romantic relationship and was withholding all affection and refusing all communication and still does.  The relationship was tolerable until one year ago when I felt some switches flipped and things got much worse and severely toxic.  I wanted nothing more than to preserve our relationship and I allowed her to emotionally destroy me.  She insisted nothing was wrong with her and she refused any treatment or to go to therapy together.  Any advice or suggestions during the divorce period.  I have a very good lawyer, but I have a lot of anxiety because she twists all the facts and lives in an alternate reality regarding the circumstances of our breakup and justifes her wildly inappropriate behavior to our children.  Over time she becomes more and more unpredictable.  She has the extra stress of a new breast cancer diagnosis.  She has not worked in years and is also looking to bankrupt me in addition to attempting to limit my access to my children.  I still have a lot of anger and hurt especially because of her lies and deceit in addition to all of the other circumstances.  I can't believe I was with this person for 16 years and this is happening now.

[broken-fix]

Hi,

I am divorcing a partner with BPD.  :)oes anyone have advice or experience during this period.  She forced me out of my home and was having an intense affair behind my back.  We have two children and she will not negotiate anything regarding custody.  She feels because she was the primary care giver she should not share custody.  She still rages at me in front of the children and did this a week ago at the kids school.  We have been separated for 4 months now.  She has moved her girlfriend into the house with my children  She is cruel and relentlessly emotionally abusive because I would not accept this affair.  In the interim she has basically ended our romantic relationship and was withholding all affection and refusing all communication and still does.  The relationship was tolerable until one year ago when I felt some switches flipped and things got much worse and severely toxic.  I wanted nothing more than to preserve our relationship and I allowed her to emotionally destroy me.  She insisted nothing was wrong with her and she refused any treatment or to go to therapy together.  Any advice or suggestions during the divorce period.  I have a very good lawyer, but I have a lot of anxiety because she twists all the facts and lives in an alternate reality regarding the circumstances of our breakup and justifes her wildly inappropriate behavior to our children.  Over time she becomes more and more unpredictable.  She has the extra stress of a new breast cancer diagnosis.  She has not worked in years and is also looking to bankrupt me in addition to attempting to limit my access to my children.  I still have a lot of anger and hurt especially because of her lies and deceit in addition to all of the other circumstances.  I can't believe I was with this person for 16 years and this is happening now.

[thefixermom]

My heart goes out to you.   Now that you are separated and divorce is on the table, I would recommend doing what you can to accept the situation, for no other reason than your children.  For so many, divorce becomes a self-righteous, blaming, attacking ritual and it's the kids who suffer the most.  I think it's best that she ended the romantic relationship given that she is involved with someone else and has moved them in.  If you were still wanting to be romantically involved I think you would do well to get your head cleared and detached from this marriage as soon as possible and focus on rebuilding your life and being there for the kids in a sane manner. And I would indeed fight for shared custody.  Your children need to experience you and you need to demonstrate strength and stability to them.  I would seek therapy for yourself to understand the phases of healing you are going to have to travel through so that you understand these periods do not last forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel you are in. One day, you will be glad to be free from the life you have been in, it's just hard to see right now.  But seriously, those kids need you... .and you need to not tear down their mother or her girlfriend to them. You need to focus on being as normal as you can with your time spent with them. They will one day be adults and they will better comprehend what happened and how you were (or were not) there for them.  I wish you well with all my heart.  Oh, and regarding the anger, it serves no good purpose.  If you are honest with yourself you will see the signs you walked right past going into this relationship.  You made the choice to enter into this marriage and if anything, learn from the experience, don't take on the victim mindset.  Be responsible, accountable and GROW from it.  That's my advice.

[ForeverDad]

I am divorcing a partner with BPD... .  We have two children and she will not negotiate anything regarding custody.  She feels because she was the primary care giver she should not share custody.

This is typical Entitlement and Blaming.  If she looks bad then she will try to make you look worse than her, generally though allegations and alienation.  Your stbEx feels Entitled and therefore you get nothing.  Well, guess what, family court, though often seen as biased, glacially slow and stuck in old policies and procedures, does have one thing she doesn't have... .Real Authority.  Family or Domestic court's Authority trumps hers.  Yes, they will likely treat her far better than she deserves, but at least you will get better treatment from court than from her.

For that reason, seek help from court.  Keep the case moving.  Get the best temp order you can get from the very start because it is really hard to get changes made later.  It's almost like the court feels that if it's 'working' in a temp order then why change what works?  You can't reason with her so don't bother trying.  She's likely to see your reasonableness as weakness. 

Court may order mediation.  Good, do try - so you can report to court that you tried - but realize her demands will be unrealistic and even the mediator won't sway her.  The fact is that mediation almost always fails unless it is just before a major hearing or trial near the end of the case when you may hear something halfway decent "on the court house steps" just beforehand.