Separated, she's not notifying me of my son's fever condition

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello All:

So, it's a low grade fever, no big deal.  My wife and I have a 50/50 split, week on and week off and joint custody, at least that's what's been agreed upon.

My son's childcare just called me twice today and I called back. The school teacher told me he had a fever two days ago, stayed home with Mom and now he's back, his temperature is at 100.8 this afternoon while playing, but they can't reach the mom and ask me what they should do.  This is her week btw.

I mean, it's a low grade fever, no big deal, but she should at least notify me of what's going on, am I getting pissed off for no good reason? I mean they couldn't reach Mom, so if it's an emergency, what can i do here?

Thanks all.

[LeonVa]

Hello All:

So, it's a low grade fever, no big deal.  My wife and I have a 50/50 split, week on and week off and joint custody, at least that's what's been agreed upon.

My son's childcare just called me twice today and I called back. The school teacher told me he had a fever two days ago, stayed home with Mom and now he's back, his temperature is at 100.8 this afternoon while playing, but they can't reach the mom and ask me what they should do.  This is her week btw.

I mean, it's a low grade fever, no big deal, but she should at least notify me of what's going on, am I getting pissed off for no good reason? I mean they couldn't reach Mom, so if it's an emergency, what can i do here?

Thanks all.

[livednlearned]

Hi LeonVa,

The school typically calls whomever filled out the emergency contact information first -- so if your ex listed herself as a contact person, they will call her first. If they can't reach her, they will call you. Usually they want to know if they have permission to give the child Tylenol, and to send your child home if possible.

My ex created a lot of drama when S13 got sick, and so typically when our son was sick on my time, I would send a note: "S13 has a fever. I gave him Tylenol at 8pm and will keep him home tomorrow." I rarely received the same courtesy in response.

Eventually I went to full parallel parenting mode, and did not inform N/BPDx of anything unless it directly impacted him.

If your son is not feeling well, and they can't reach mom, how do you feel about picking your son up?

[LeonVa]

@Livednlearned. Yeah, I gave her the courtesy just like you did when my son was sick, a short note, so I kind of expected that in return, and nope, that's why I'm a bit pissed... .but then, with BPDs, I shouldn't expect the same courtesy back, so I'll probably do the parallel parenting thing you did.

I will be more than glad to pick him up, however, last time, when I visited the school to talk to the teacher after the first week my son was placed in the childcare (it was her week), my BPD wife wrote two long nasty emails to me, calling me names and threatened to take full custody and all that, because I interrupted my son's progress AND I was intruding during her time... .called me SOB and all that.  Too much drama.

[david]

I have 50/50 with ex. Two boys (16 and 11). A few months ago I got a call from S16's school saying he vomited. They called ex and left a message. It was ex's custodial time. I picked him up at school and took him to my place. He immediately went to bed. I emailed ex what occurred and let her know S16 had no temp, was nauseous, had cold sweats, and some other info. I told her if he didn't feel better I would make an appointment for the doc tomorrow. She replied that it was her custodial time and that I NEEDED TO BRING HIM TO HER PLACE. Yes, she capitalized it. I repeated my email saying exactly the same thing. Hours later I got a call from the police asking me what was going on. I explained what happened. They completely understood and asked me to reach out to ex. I emailed her with the current temp, etc. and left it at that. Ex sent several nasty emails which I did not reply to. She sent one that she also cc'd to her atty. She left out the fact that S16 was sick. I received a call from the school nurse telling me that ex called and told her I did not have permission to take S16 out of school without prior approval from ex. I let the nurse know that we have shared physical and legal custody and that she followed our court order exactly as written. I thanked her and she indicated she got it.

This happened a year ago with our younger son too. I did the same thing. The only difference this time was she called the police. Also, I took the youngest to the pediatrician the next day. I emailed ex as soon as I knew what time it was. She was a no show and did not reply to my email.

[livednlearned]

I visited the school to talk to the teacher after the first week my son was placed in the childcare (it was her week), my BPD wife wrote two long nasty emails to me, calling me names and threatened to take full custody and all that, because I interrupted my son's progress AND I was intruding during her time... .called me SOB and all that.  Too much drama.

She is just trying to rattle your cage. The best response is to do what's best for your son (pick him up), and write your ex a short email. "Son had a fever of 100.8. School contacted me and he is resting with me. Text me when you are ready to pick him up and I will gather his belongings so he is ready to go."

Her drama is unavoidable. Best way to respond is to ignore the drama as best you can and focus on your son.

A family law court would roll its eyes at her if she brought it up. She is probably feeling insecure and judged that she wasn't available, and trying to project her distress on you.

[LeonVa]

@david and @livenlearned, oh man, you guys definitely already walked out of the FOG, I feel like I'm still inside of it as I'm still "cautious" and afraid of just take my son to my house, and like what happened to David, get police call and all that.

My BPD exWife is used to calling the police, in fact that's why I decided to break up with her, so sick of it.

But it's good to know that it's an option. If the situation next time is urgent, that's what I will do and I will handle the police like @David did.

Thanks guys.

[livednlearned]

I am definitely out of the fog. Clear as day here 

You get out of the fog by practicing boundaries. It helps to get insight from peers, and that's what we're here for. The people who helped me out of the fog were my parenting coordinator and lawyer, and then here when I found it a year or so out of my marriage. Sometimes hearing people point out what is normal reasonable behavior helps.

The fact that she calls the cops often on you is distressing and probably doesn't feel good. The fact that she does the same thing over and over gives you a fair warning about how she will respond in the future, so you can prepare and try to be a few steps ahead. For example, if you picked your son up and brought him to your house, you could call the police and let them know your legal/physical custody, that you picked up your son from school, and that your wife has a tendency to call the police over these types of things, and that you just want to give them a heads up that your son is with you, and that you're about to email BPD mom to let her know son is safe, resting, and ready to go when she can pick him up.

I have found when you treat police officers or lawyers or judges or therapists like they are grown-ups, and you are too, they like that, and return the favor. People who don't have great coping mechanisms tend to call the police for no reason. And people who can't resolve conflict tend to end up in court a lot. Our job, being in relationships with these people, is to make sure law enforcement and court understands that we are grown-ups, doing our best to help them manage this mentally ill person.

With your ex... .what did she call the police for in previous instances? How did things go for you in court? Sorry if you've already written this elsewhere and I've forgotten.

[david]

The courts are supposed to make decisions based on the best interest of the children. They don't want to get dragged into he said/she said or he did this/ she did this scenarios.

When I picked up the boys at their school I emailed ex to let her know. The boys were sick and, in both instances, their mom was called but never answered her phone. It is reasonable for a parent to pick a sick child up at school. It is reasonable to put the sick child in bed and take care of him/her. It is reasonable to take them to a doc if you need to. It simply doesn't make sense to take a sick child and drive them to the other parents simply because it is the other parents custodial time.

I realized ex would get triggered when I did what I did but I also realized I was doing what reasonable people would do for a sick child. Technically I violated our court order but I figured if ex dragged me to court over it I would be fine and she would show her true colors. If we were still together I would have done all the same things and the only difference would be that we lived in the same house.

Giving the police a heads up is a good idea.

[LeonVa]

Thanks guys. Greatly appreciate it. So, in those situations, do I call 911 or some other local police number? I mean, I don't even feel right to call 911 for little stuff.

and @livednlearned, my kid was locked inside the bedroom while in her care (she decided to work from home that day.)

she panicked and called me.  My mom was in the house at the time as well, as my mom normally takes care of my son during the day while we are out to work.

I asked her to remain calm and I will be home in 20 minutes. I got home, a huge hole on the bedroom door, she punched through with a big knife. That's fine. Door can be replaced. So I asked her what happened? She could've just waited for me. That triggered her and threatened to call police and she did.  Reason?  She felt I was threatening her and that my Mom was preventing her from saving our son.  6 cops showed up, first thing asked was where is the knife? Glad I wasn't arrested. The end of our relationship afterwards.

Called police before as well, I won't get into it, long story.

[livednlearned]

911 seems to work different depending on where you live. Here where I am (small-ish town of 40K), 911 seems to work like a dispatch for whatever. If a car is blocking my car and I can't get out of my parking spot, I can call 911 and that's apparently normal.

When my ex had a psychotic episode while S13 was at his house (11 at the time), I called 911 to explain the situation and they forwarded me to a guy who was dual police officer/social worker who deals with volatile domestic situations.

Maybe call your local police department and ask them what they recommend you do? A man in my town lost custody, and then that day went to his kids' school and shot the mother in the face  :'( while she waited to pick them up. Tragic incidents like that  may have an influence on how my town's police officers respond to DV type cases, so it's best to call your local police line and ask what they recommend.

[Cleveland]

I had this issue as well.

I always notified her of a fever or a visible injury.  One day I picked D up and her face was all scraped up, they said ex had told them she fell on the sidewalk.  Not a big deal but she should have told me.  I called her out on it via text and she kinda played it off.

Definitely document all of these in case you end up in the courts.

Luckily she has been much more forthcoming since our custody hearings and me informing her immediately after a car accident I was in with D.