The hardest part for me in all this mess...

[bravhart1]

When SD6 looks at me sometimes and says "I miss my mom".

I wish it was just a normal kid, missing her mom. But it's not, it's really not.

It's usually after some discovery of a wrong doing, like drawing on her rug in marker, or not wanting to go to bed. It's so clearly just a knee jerk response to wishing she could be in a home where there are no rules, no bedtimes, no limit to sweets etc.

But somehow I feel bad, like she is being held hostage from her mom. Like she doesn't feel for  us how she feels for her mom. I know she is alienated, and made to feel guilty about loving bravhart, and her dad. I know she is told we are horrible people by her mom. I know mom has told her how she misses her too much and can't sleep without her, making her feel responsible for her mom, and probably a little proud of herself for being so needed by a grownup, but... .

But sometimes I just want to say "hey sd6!, you are in a normal home with educated, decent people with manners and graces, with grown ups who feed and nourish you and try to teach you how to be in the world, with a family who genuinely loves you unconditionally and not burdening you with poisonous mental garbage, wth do you miss about being with your mom?"

I know how to respond appropriately to her when she's like this, how to not let her see I don't share her feelings. But what do I say to myself? Why does that one thing elicit guilt about her not being with her mom when I know she is better off on all fronts with us as much as she is?

Will she ever gravitate to the normal?

I guess I'm worried she wants to be with her mom more because she is starting to seem like her mom more. Is six too young to start to show BPD symptoms?

[Nope]

I just had the same conversation with my SS10 and his counselor yesterday. He got in big trouble for something he knew he shouldn't have done that he's now done for the third time. DH was at the end of his rope and decided on more serious consequences.

When I took SS10 into his counseling session, he basically said that he wanted to go back to living with his mom because DH is too hard on him. SS10 does seem to show a lot of "fleas" from being raised for the first ten years of his life by his BPD mom. But he is also the "all bad child" and now that he spends so little time with his mom she is actually nice to him when he does see her. There is nothing in the world he wants or needs more than to have the woman who gave birth to him treat him nicely, as opposed to constantly attacking him like she did when he lived there. The book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" points out that for survival children so desperately need to believe in the goodness of their mothers that they are willing to throw away and discount themselves in order to hold on to that image. Yes, he recognizes that he was very badly treated but he thinks he deserved it and "She doesn't do that anymore and won't do that again."

I know it's hard not to feel guilty looking at a child who wants to be with their idealized fictional parent. But we are responsible for protecting these kids anyway. They can't know better. Psychologically that isn't even an option for their brains. I try to remind myself that part of the reason SS10 and SD12 have the option of idealizing their mother is because we are doing such a good job of protecting them from the reality of her.

[Panda39]

Hi bravehart1,

What you say is exactly how I felt about my SO's daughter's when I first met him almost 5 years ago.  He was separated from his now ex and his children were being alienated.  I couldn't understand why they wanted to be with this woman that was a liar, neglectful, manipulative, and in my eyes a horrible mother when they had this wonderful dad.  A dad that had a job, a clean place to live, that drove a car (could take them places), was clothing them, and feeding them (not mention paying alimony to their mother).

Not only were his children avoiding him they were spying on him and reporting back to mom.  She was using her daughters as weapons against their father. The worst of this went on during the 2 years of separation before the divorce. It is my belief that she was on a 2 year extinction burst that finally tapered off when the divorce was final.

It should be noted that neither my SO or I had any idea about BPD until at least a year later.

His daughters when I met him were 9 and 13 a little older than your SD. 

I also want to say I know it is natural for a child to love their parents and know they love their mom then and now.

I also think this mother (mentally ill) was the only thing they knew, and that they were missing skills both because of age, and problematic parenting (both parents).

It is my belief that my SO's girls viewed mom as the victim because that was what mom told them, dad was a horrible person for leaving "them" not just her "them", that she had health issues (nothing real) so she couldn't get a job, that their father was abusive (not ever!)... .all the typical BPD stuff.  Then mom was evicted and of course she is the victim again... .that horrible, mean, uncaring landlord! Or it's dad's fault because he left and didn't give mom enough money for rent.

What has turned into a great leveler is the divorce, that mom and dad don't live with each other so you can see how each person lives.  The girls gradually began to spend more time with dad because it was now court ordered (he gained more custody).  He was able to begin to rebuild the relationships with them.

UBPDex was sliding further down, was evicted 2 more times, couch surfed a couple of times, and has now been living in hotels for the last year.  We don't know if she has a job (she hasn't submitted financial statements in 2 years).  She relies on others for transportation, she still has all of her terrible illnesses including a bone on bone bad knee that didn't stop her from climbing the 3 flights of stairs to my SO's apartment.  She has 2 court cases right now 1 a civil case and 1 felony fraud case. 

The pressure of her mother's behavior and the instability landed the younger daughter in an inpatient psych facility last year because of a suicide threat.  This daughter has since been diagnosed with PTSD.  She is low contact with mom... .doesn't want to see her much but does talk to her on the phone several times a week.

The older daughter was promised college paid for by "the family trust".  She attended 1 semester and over Winter break was asked not to come back because the first semester was never paid for and now D18 owes $15,000 and has collection notices coming to her.  She is barely speaking to her mother and has seen her briefly 2 times in the last 5 months.

I know both girls still love their mother because she is their mother but have learned that they can only trust her in very limited ways and financially in particular they can't trust her at all.  Do they miss their mother I bet they do but do they miss the mother that is or the mother they wish they had?

The best thing you or I or any "non" parent can do is create that alternate universe where the kids are loved unconditionally and supported to the best of our ability.  The guilt you feel probably comes from the place of wanting your SD to be happy and she isn't when she misses mom, but you are loving her and protecting her you and her dad are doing your jobs.