I know breaking nc is not an option... but I sure want to

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am posting here instead of contacting her.  I have had a rough day today.  I want to break no contact.  But I know nothing good will come out of it.  I know the relationship is over.  It has to be over.  I keep telling myself it wasn't entirely my fault.  I know I shouldn't have been blamed for everything like I was.  Man this sucks.  I just wanted to keep the fantasy girl from the beginning.  But in reality she has been gone a long time.  All I have are a handful of good memories and a bucket full of blame, shame and guilt.  I see it now but why am I still stuck?

[WhoMe51]

I am posting here instead of contacting her.  I have had a rough day today.  I want to break no contact.  But I know nothing good will come out of it.  I know the relationship is over.  It has to be over.  I keep telling myself it wasn't entirely my fault.  I know I shouldn't have been blamed for everything like I was.  Man this sucks.  I just wanted to keep the fantasy girl from the beginning.  But in reality she has been gone a long time.  All I have are a handful of good memories and a bucket full of blame, shame and guilt.  I see it now but why am I still stuck?

[Irish Pride]

I am posting here instead of contacting her.  I have had a rough day today.  I want to break no contact.  But I know nothing good will come out of it.  I know the relationship is over.  It has to be over.  I keep telling myself it wasn't entirely my fault.  I know I shouldn't have been blamed for everything like I was.  Man this sucks.  I just wanted to keep the fantasy girl from the beginning.  But in reality she has been gone a long time.  All I have are a handful of good memories and a bucket full of blame, shame and guilt.  I see it now but why am I still stuck?

It's happened to all of us. As for why? You'll have to figure that out for yourself. In my case, I was desperate, needing, and she provided me with exactly what I needed, at the time.

I can only tell you this. You are MUCH better off keeping with the n/c. Stay strong and know that we're here. Contacting her will just lead you back down the same road you've traveled before. She won't change until SHE wants to change. Not because YOU want her to change. And NOTHING in the world, that you do or say, will change that.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm sorry you're struggling today - we've all had those days and they're hard.  You made a good decision posting here!  

One of the articles that helped me early on when I was really struggling is called "Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder."  To this day, I think it's one of the most helpful things I've ever read - it helped my understand my ex AND myself.

"3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

You concede that there are problems, and you have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your “BPD” partner’s concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your “BPD” partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the sole problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. But the problems aren't all your fault and you can't solve this by changing... ."



https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[WhoMe51]

Thank you for the encouragement.  She just texted me through one of those free text numbers.  I haven't responded.  She asked if I would meet with her to talk?  And then she said unless you hate me.  And now she is calling.  It would just be the same wouldn't it?  She waited all weekend and then she calls and texts tonight.  Why?

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for the encouragement.  She just texted me through one of those free text numbers.  I haven't responded.  She asked if I would meet with her to talk?  And then she said unless you hate me.  And now she is calling.  It would just be the same wouldn't it?  She waited all weekend and then she calls and texts tonight.  Why?

That's a hard question to answer.  Did she tell you why?

What do YOU need in this situation? What would be best for you?

[fromheeltoheal]

I am posting here instead of contacting her.  I have had a rough day today.  I want to break no contact.  But I know nothing good will come out of it.  I know the relationship is over.  It has to be over.  I keep telling myself it wasn't entirely my fault.  I know I shouldn't have been blamed for everything like I was.  Man this sucks.  I just wanted to keep the fantasy girl from the beginning.  But in reality she has been gone a long time.  All I have are a handful of good memories and a bucket full of blame, shame and guilt.  I see it now but why am I still stuck?

I just wanted to keep the fantasy girl from the beginning.  But in reality she has been gone a long time.

So contacting your ex would not find the fantasy girl, in fact she doesn't exist, yes?  So wouldn't it make more sense to work through your attraction to a fantasy than contact your ex, where you wouldn't find the fantasy anyway and it will surely make you feel worse?

I see it now but why am I still stuck?

What if you're not stuck?  What if you're exactly where you're supposed to be, here talking to us and processing, it's just moving more slowly than you thought it would, so it feels like stuck?

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I still remember when my GF reached out to contact me.  i had just found out she was still involved with her ex.  I found out by reading his sexual boasts with her on Farcebook (my name for Facebook).  I was so crushed, she had told me,( well, CONVINCED me via her soft spoken charm and vulnerability) that HE was the one who would not let her go, kept stalking her, harassing... .and then he got to me to try and make me go away.

I refused to talk to her. She wrote a 4 page letter of apology and i got it in the mail right on New Years eve.  I put off reading it until the next day.  She  recounted a horrible 'break up;, a final one, where her ex raged, beat her and damaged personal property in her home before storming out. If I was not so deep in the fog at the time, and knew of BPD, I would have read her account as a perpetual dance of death between those two, and that she was just as responsible for what transpired.  i was the victim, one who was being used (triangulation).  Man, what I wouldn't have done to know of this information 2 years ago.

I read her apology which was very self-reflective - she admitted she needed help and wanted me in her life. She promised she'd take steps to better herself and not lie to me.  I caved in.

And what did i get by going back?  A few months of love and happiness, until more secrets came forth:

1 - her ex was back in her life, according to him, the ENTIRE time she and I were together in a r/s.

2 - she was sexually involved with other men besides her ex BF and me

3 - she got pregnant by another FWB, which, she said to me, did not have to affect our r/s, because I was the only one she had true, deep feeling for. Her only stronghold for therapy.

Had I gone and stayed N/C after my first revelation of behind the scenes tomfoolery, my self esteem would not have to be rebuilt, my stress levels would have been nil, and my emotions would have recovered so much faster from her lies, deceit and triangulation. Most important - I would not have hung in with her by trying to be her friend - which turned out to be more painful after what transpired months ago.

Was it worth recontacting her, forgiving her back then, 2 years ago?  For all I've been put through... .no.

You MUST stay NC and not answer her call, texts or contacts of any kind (doubt she'd write you a letter like mine did, but, you never know).

Save your sanity.

Save your well-being from more damage which we all know will come.

Stay NC.

It takes fortitude and time. Time.  

I am a firm believer that NC is the only sure-fire cure to set a boundary, and stand up for yourself.

Don't be a doormat!

She only cares about you when SHE wants something, or needs something.  and when she doesn't need you anymore, she will vanish - promises mean nothing. They are only WORDS.

[Turkish]

Thank you for the encouragement.  She just texted me through one of those free text numbers.  I haven't responded.  She asked if I would meet with her to talk?  And then she said unless you hate me.  And now she is calling.  It would just be the same wouldn't it? She waited all weekend and then she calls and texts tonight.  Why?

This is a Waifish query. She assumes that you hate her (projection of her shame, perhaps), and is seeking validation from you. The Waif's dominant emotional state is helplessness. She can't deal with her feelings, so she needs you to do so. You know the ball's in your court.

[letmeout]

No Contact is the only way to go, unless you desire the pain of getting back on that merry-go-round for another spin.

[valet]

No Contact is the only way to go, unless you desire the pain of getting back on that merry-go-round for another spin.

I don't think is true, as long as you are emotionally mature enough to handle it and realize that there is no future with this person.

But I'm biased, of course. I just initiated contact with my ex after about 3 months NC, or very limited contact, and I feel totally in control of the situation. We're getting coffee next week. I'm prepared to cut my losses and don't really mind how she acts, although I would prefer it if we could be friends.

Honestly, I think that it's time for me to face me fears on this one. We can't live in hiding forever, and we don't need to act differently just because of one person or one relationship. Pretty sure it will be an extremely useful step for my recovery, but let's see what happens.

[joc1970]

Last night my xBPDgf tried to contact me, I did not reply, she send me 36 text in one hour, and call me 16 time. Tough to deal with crazy. So I turn my phone off