New and unsure

[calcal01]

Where to start. I've been married to my husband for a year. We have known each other for 10 and dated for 6 before getting married. We live quite an incredible life full of more adventure and luxury and fun than most anyone else I have ever met. He has always been different and always pushing boundaries in good ways and bad. It seems our relationship is on the fringe of ending. I thought for the last two years he had OCPD and he finally went to 5 therapy sessions and said the therapist said he wasn't. I wasn't fully convinced but I had to believe it. Now that he is no longer quite as depressed and working alone from home, he seems happier in an office around other people. The controlling obsessive traits have diminished quite a bit (possibly form not seeing him as much) and he is exposing himself more honestly in the really bad fights we have been getting into about what he does manipulate (explanation to come). In a way, I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I studied psych in college. It seems obvious now. He has always had a superiority complex , manipulative arguer and isolated me from other people convincing me of logical reason why this person is no good, or this person is bad.

Here are the reasons I think he is BPD

* No matter what I say or do, he twists it and uses it against me.

* He blames and criticizes me for everything that goes wrong, even when it makes no logical sense.

* He sees something as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between. And when he feels one way, he can't remember ever feeling any other way.

* I'm afraid to ask for things in our relationship. When I do, he tells me that I'm too demanding or that my demands are wrong or not important.

* He accuses me of doing things I never did and saying things I never said.

* I try to do what he wants me to do. But just when I think I've got the rules down, he changes them.

* I feel bewildered, misunderstood, wrongly blamed, exhausted, and isolated.

* When I try to make things better after an argument, he becomes more infuriated no matter what I say or do.

•   Has a grandiose sense of self-importance 

•    Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 

•   Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only associate with other special or high-status    people 

•    Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his expectations

•   Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

•   Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him 

•   Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

      He says he feels unfulfilled a lot of the time by his life or things he experiences. He has said  many times and often that he doesn’t feel like he is in his own life.

I feel like I am with Dr Jekel Mr Hyde. because on one hand he is my best friend and a great partner, provider and a person with exciting ambitions and we do have a similar sense of how we want to live our daily lives. 

On the other hand I feel he is manipulating and selfish, with no real solid grasp of empathy gratitude or compassion. 

He interrogates me when he starts to "loose" an argument. He starts questioning me over and over again to no end until I get befuddled and cry.  He has recently admitted to using interrogation techniques in fights to manipulate and get his way, not only with me but with people at work. 

He tells me I use tears to try and get my way, that I have emotional superiority over him and I use that to get my way. I feel that I just get hurt, that my emotions and feeling don't matter to him and I always ask why he blazes over them. He doesn't respond to my questions just changes the subject and finds things like "why don't you have any friends?" it's hurtful when he says that. I do have friends, he says "oh yeah like who?" and then I list them and he tells me who is not my friend and who doesn't count for this reason or that reason, or if they are my friend why didn't they come to our wedding.

the list goes on. I need support. I really really really don't want my marriage to end but it's on the breaking point. I'm exhausted.

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[vortex of confusion]

Hi calcal01!

Welcome to the boards. You are in good company. A lot of people here can relate to your story and have experienced a lot of the same things that you have described. You are in a tough position.

One of the cool features of this forum is that there are lessons that you can find down the right side. They are very helpful and can give you tools that will help you deal with the confusion. When I found this place, somebody described it as finding the predictable in the unpredictable.

Do you have any specific questions at the moment? I know that when I found this place, my head was reeling because I found myself reading stories and looking at the tools and thinking, "WOW, I am not alone. I am NOT as crazy as I thought I was." It was so much to take in at once.

If you have any questions as you read the lessons, post them and others will come along and try to help. Feel free to share as much or as little as you want. When did you start noticing that he might be different or that something wasn't quite right? Was it a single event or was it an awareness that built gradually over time?

 

[an0ught]

Welcome calcal01,

as VoC said - this is a big place and it takes a while to wrap your head around it. You are certainly not alone and a good way to ease your burden is to write about it. Another option may well be to get a therapist for yourself - you are exhausted, possibly slightly depressed (a lot of members are) and could benefit from having f2f backup in your corner  .

BPD is multi-factored which means there are multiple contributors, not an infinite number but a couple. When it comes to symptoms the spectrum of stuff one can see is huge. Some of what you observe could well be related to BPD, some of what you describe indicate narcissistic traits and some of what you describe could be impact of living circumstances and changes. We don't diagnose here but what it is likely that discussing strategies  here on the board can benefit you.

On the other hand I feel he is manipulating and selfish, with no real solid grasp of empathy gratitude or compassion.

He interrogates me when he starts to "loose" an argument. He starts questioning me over and over again to no end until I get befuddled and cry.  He has recently admitted to using interrogation techniques in fights to manipulate and get his way, not only with me but with people at work.

Sounds like he has experience to put a lot of pressure on people. He certainly has no right to behave like he does. Asking questions is one way to assume a position of superiority and power. In a relationship of equals that should not have a place  . Not playing his way is the only way to not win but limit the impact of him stepping over the line. A study of our boundary workshops and then leaning on the board could help you changing your behavior here. He may be behaving out of bounds but in the end you only control yourself. That sounds not like much - it is however the key to maximize your impact on your relationship.

Again ,

a0