Adult daughter with PBD symptoms, getting the best help

[BoxcarDaisy]

We keep going through the same cycle with her.  She ends up in crisis and wants a good mom.  Her idea of Good Mom lets her play in the deep end of the pool when she can't swim. When she falls off the raft or loses a floatie, I am expected to jump in after her.  Bad Mom won't take her back to the pool until she takes swimming lessons. 

Her husband almost left her 4 years ago because of chronic depression/drama and alcohol abuse.  She agreed to stop drinking and get psychiatric care.  She dropped the therapy and started drinking again, and now husband is filing for divorce. 

She's falling apart, and now we both need counseling.  Where do I go to get her the help she needs?  Do I let her sink emotionally and financially?  What do I do when she resists help and just wants sympathy and emotional support?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello BoxcarDaisy,

Welcome to the Parent's Board, we are glad you are with us here and sorry to learn that your daughter is in a bad place right now.

I also have a daughter, 18 diagnosed with BPD though she no longer meets the criteria for the disorder.  It's good that your daughter has had therapy before.  :)o you know what type of therapy it was and how long she went?  Was it for almost 4 years?

Does she want help?  Is the pending divorce what she wants too?

The alcohol use will need to be addressed simultaneously with healthier coping skills/therapy.

While we can be emotionally supportive this does not mean we enable poor choices or support them financially.  How much you do is up to you.  Setting boundaries and learning to be supportive without taking on her burdens are skills we promote here.  Here is a link to some info on these subjects:

Boundaries-Living our Values

The Power of Asking Validating Questions

I look forward to your thoughts or questions that you may have regarding Boundaries and Validating Questions and helping in any way I am able.

lbjnltx

[BoxcarDaisy]

Thanks for your concern.  She is 40 and is broken hearted over the divorce.  I could not get her to go to a psychiatrist to deal with a traumatic childhood experience four years ago when she had her last major crisis.  Instead she went to a friend's counselor and dropped almost immediately.

I didn't even know what BPD was until I went to a therapist myself last week. Now I need help getting her into the right therapy or if she won't go, help on how I need to set boundaries.  I'm a tough cookie but I am being torn apart by this.  She is so sad.  Same old story.  If she had listened and accepted real help four years ago, she wouldn't be looking at divorce today, but I can't tell her that. 

[lbjnltx]

I didn't even know what BPD was until I went to a therapist myself last week. Now I need help getting her into the right therapy or if she won't go, help on how I need to set boundaries.  I'm a tough cookie but I am being torn apart by this.  She is so sad.  Same old story.  

The most recommended treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  It is the most successful in terms of reducing and dealing with self harm and suicidal ideation.  :)oes she struggle with Suicidal thoughts/threats/attempts?  Regardless if she accepts help or not... .you will indeed need boundaries to protect yourself.

If she had listened and accepted real help four years ago, she wouldn't be looking at divorce today, but I can't tell her that.  

Right you are there.  The past is not nearly as important as what she is going to do now.  Would a dual diagnoses inpatient program be something she might consider? Might her husband postpone the divorce proceedings if she agreed to do this? This might be the key to getting her to agree to go.  Are there children involved in this family dynamic?

lbj

[BoxcarDaisy]

Inpatient therapy is not an option and yes there are kids involved.  I am praying her husband will stay long enough so that she is in therapy before he leaves.  Thank you for your concern.

[lbjnltx]

Having the grandchildren in the midst of this must be hard for you. 

Do you get to see the grandchildren very much?  How are they and your relationship with them?

I'm sorry you are going through this and glad you have a therapist to help you.

lbj

[BoxcarDaisy]

I am very close to grandchildren and so is my other daughter.  Thank you again for your support.  I will take a look at the recommended reading.