How do I not lose my mind.

[busymind79]

My daughter has seemed fairly stable this week. She is taking her medication, although I have to remind her of every dose. She has been pleasant to be around. She has been following rules without arguing. Yesterday she got in a fight with a friend and talked the whole thing through with me and, even more surprising, had a conversation with my husband about it. We have been feeling pretty good this week so far.

This afternoon when I picked my daughter up from softball to go to the counselor, I was shocked to see dozens of slices across her neck. She had worn a scarf earlier in the day and so I did not see them. Apparently, she doesn't mind the entire softball team seeing them. We went to the counselor and talked about it briefly. She says she just felt like it and she doesn't care what anyone thinks. She also has been telling the counselor that she doesn't eat at school because she doesn't want people to see her eating. The counselor told me that she thought my daughter had quit cutting because for the last few weeks all my daughter talks about is how she is fat and not eating anymore. Of course she is 5'3 and 110 lbs. looking back over the week, I see that she has been not hungry pretty often.

I am completely losing it. I don't know that I can handle anymore. I feel like I don't know this kid at all. She tells me one thing, the counselor another, the school yet another and none of it comes together to help at all. I feel like it's another form of self sabotage that we can't help with. We have offered to get her more help (RTC) if she needs it, she says no ___ way. It's just crazy and stupid and I am so angry and frustrated and over it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry that your d's low self image is coming out in yet another way. This is so hard to watch for us parents.  We feel helpless sometimes.  Not a good feeling!

Progress is slow and not linear.  As a parent we have to make the decisions for care based on what is the best choice for our kids and that is hard... .harder when we are emotionally distraught.

We, the parent need to be as stable as possible to make wise and informed choices for our kids.

What do you need to do right now for yourself to take care of you?



lbj

[tristesse]

hi busymind

My advice to you in this moment, is to step back. Take a deep cleansing breath and try to relax. 

Your DD is obviously feeling a lack of control, She has you telling her to take her meds, she has school telling what to learn and when to learn it, she has softball coach telling her how to play the game... .all normal mundane life issues for a teenager, but not for a BPD. The being self conscious about eating in front of people, is perfectly natural for a BPD, their self image is already skewed, so they become self conscious about any number of things. I think she is cutting as a way to release some of that anxiety and frustration, she can feel the physical pain instead of just emotionally.

I agree with lbjnltx, as parents we need to make the right choices for our children in the moment. But I suggest maybe letting her have some control. for instance her meds, give her the responsibility, let her know it is up to her to remember to take it. If she forgets, the consequence is, you start reminding her every dose again.  Let her decide on diet, if she is not meeting her nutritional needs then you intervene again, etc. Let her have some control, tell what is expected of her and then step back.  Maybe you both need that little break.

good luck to you, stay strong my friend. This too shall pass

[Gorges]

I'm so sorry this is happening. When my daughter is stressed she really goes after me with demeaning verbal abuse. I feel lucky that she doesn't hurt herself physically.

But I do sometimes feel that I am cracking and have lost it. I don't recommend getting to this point because it damages everyone and sets everyone back. So please take care of yourself. A funny movie, weekend away. This last time I cracked I realize my primary focus should be on me coping not fixing my daughter because she ultimately has control of that not me.

[busymind79]

Thank you for the replies. I have been working on taking a step back. I stopped reminding her of her pills and she was taking them ok for this last week. Her behavior at home was pleasant and almost helpful.

Yesterday we had a huge setback. Saturday she asked for some money to go to a movie with a friend. She had been doing the few chores she is supposed to and had all her schoolwork turned in for the week, so I said no problem. I came to find that she never went to the movie and that she was at a boys house all day. I calmly confronted her yesterday about her lying to me about where she was. She told me that I "make" her lie to me because I won't agree to her being alone at this boys house as he is a known drug addict. She then admitted to using marijuana and dabs this week for the first time. She said she loves the drugs and will continue to lie to me so that she can go do them. She also started having sex this week with at least one boy, although, I have no idea who as she won't talk about that part. She demanded that I get her the pill and then left the house. Through text, she said she was going to work out and try to clear her mind and she would be home in an hour. When she text later and said she was at another boys house and she would be home in another hour, I told her that she needed to come home as she had promised. She told me she would not and that I was horrible. I told her that if she came home now, we could just talk about it, if she did not she would be grounded for one week. She did not respond. When she showed up about 6 hrs later, she was high and went straight to her bed. My husband took her cell as right now it is a safety threat.

She will not get out of bed this morning. She says she is pissed off at us for not letting her do what she wants and is not going to school or taking her meds. I know this is all a continued struggle for control. But unless we let her have total control with no consequences (drugs, sex, going wherever with whoever) she says she has NO control over anything. I haven't seen her eat anything at all in 2 days.

Such a spiral. Just venting. I have a counseling appt. for her later. Will be going with or without her. I felt that I handled well with all this new horrible stuff. No yelling, talked through it, gave clear options. I felt in control of myself and an ability to handle the situation. Now I am just so tired of feeling sad for her. I just want a chance to be happy for her.

[lbjnltx]

Hi busymind,

I think you handled all of the goings on well too.  Remaining calm and stating expectations are good examples of parenting under severe circumstances.

It seems your d is not able to protect herself from unsafe situations.  I hope your session goes well today with the therapist.  I often went to my d's apptmts alone and used that time to get support for myself and talk to her t about where to go from here.

How does the t feel about RTC?  I won't tell you what to do and I will tell you that if I was (and yes I have been) in your shoes I would be doing research to find the best fit for RTC for your d.

lbjnltx

[busymind79]

Thanks lbj.

I am planning on discussing another trip to residential with the therapist today. Unfortunately, it can't be mentioned in front of my daughter. We asked last week if she thought that she needed more support with the anorexia and she started screaming about how she will die before she goes back to another (expletive) place. So I have to tread lightly. She has been trying to engage me in battle all day today screaming profanities and telling me I don't care. She started to walk out the door and I told her if she left, the police would be called and she changed her mind. I engaged back at one point, and the situation escalated until I remembered myself and apologized for giving her the impression that she wasn't trying to get better. (Even though I question that). She says she is not taking her meds because she doesn't need them when she can just 'smoke'. She has said that she will not attend therapy, but I am hoping she just said that out of anger and will change her mind. We shall see.

[js friend]

Hi busymind,

I just wanted to say that i think that you are doing well to keep calm under the circumstances when we are often being pushed to our limits and our minds never get a moments peace when we are constantly trying so hard to keep our children safe.Keeping calm shows you are in control of the situation. My dd would often try to provoke a reaction of me too, so then she could make the excuse that she just needed to get out of the house and away from me. She had made plans and initating an argument would be her "reason" to leave. I soon worked that out and tried my best not to rise to it. Still, it is hard and of course sometimes you will lose it. who wouldnt under the circumstances.? Letting your dd know that you will call the police each and everytime she "runs away" or is threatening violence or to harm herself is a good boundry to have.

I also used to go to therapy by myself as dd eventually refused to go. Most of them time when we went togther dd would refuse to talk, or deny anything regarding my concerns about her behaviour anyway so the sessions ended up not being very productive.