Now that things are smooth between D38 and me... DH is having issues

[thefixermom]

So my DH (D's stepfather since she was 19) has been awesome for years.  Supportive and understanding of all the trials and tribulations my D38 has put me/us through.  She is here living with us for 3 months total (2 more months to go) and it is leveling out and her and my interactions are the best they have in many years. I credit that to a change in myself as well as efforts by my D38.  I am thanking God in my head many times a day.  Now, right when I'm enjoying this improvement, particularly because I am intent on having this period be remembered as a good time once D moves out vs the traumatic times we've suffered through during previous attempts to cohabitate... .well, it seems DH is becoming agitated and finding things to nitpick.  I mentioned in an earlier post that D was pushy about the kitchen once and nudged DH away from the stove with her demand to get in there NOW because of her fear of a low blood sugar attack.  He was pretty good that day like he's most always been but today, she was in the kitchen doing her thing and he came in, made a point of sitting down in a way that told her he was waiting for her to be done. It unnerved her a bit and she looked at him and said, "What?"  I was in the next room and heard everything and he said, "Hi" in an unnatural tone and she said again, "What?" and he said, "Oh nothing, I'm just waiting for my turn."  It felt passive aggressive to me and then he started lecturing her on using so many counters to do her preparation.  He successfully triggered her into a big reaction and finally, she yelled, "Mom, will you come help? Your husband is trying to start a fight with me!"  I walked in and he got up and walked outside while she was, in a raised voice, telling me what he had done.  It took me some time to calm her down and finally she moved on and she cleaned up the kitchen and we returned to pleasant interactions.  I made up a reason to walk by DH in his shop so that I could check his mood.  He proceeded to tell me his version of the time in the kitchen. He reframed things in such a way to make himself sound innocent.  I didn't see him as innocent but I could see that he honestly is not being very self-aware.  He THINKS he is innocent.  He has a lot of trouble with D having a messy bedroom and how she is in the kitchen (she cooks for herself but it looks like she's cooking for a big crowd... .but she always cleans it up so I'm happy) and he has become very sensitive about her inching into our space.  She has powerful abandonment issues so I am very aware and careful about how I am with her so as to not appear dismissive.  I'm listening better, always pausing the TV when she talks if I'm watching a program and showing her that I'm interested in what she has to say.  Things have gotten so much better because of my increase in sensitivity and also my generally being more helpful and available to her.  I'm enjoying what I call my more loving behavior toward her and DH resents this and says things like, "How long are we going to treat her like a child?" And then he follows up with, "This is MY house!"  I tell him he sounds very selfish when he talks that way because we are all living here together right now for a couple more months and can he just find a way to relax and cope better, everyone will be happier.  I point out the huge improvements in her compared to last time we lived together.  He sarcastically says, "Why? Because I didn't have to pretend to call the cops this time? Or just because she has not hit you?"    It's as if he wants it to be bad. And honestly, other than her messy room and her short term messy periods in the kitchen, it has gotten SO much better.  I'm wondering if he misses the "him and me against her" feeling that we had before. I have stepped away from that and really enjoying the new me.  And he is acting like he's all alone and unhappy.  He doesn't realize that he's making things worse for him and me, and her.   I don't particularly want to juggle back and forth between both of them so I've been telling him that I hope he can find some peace, because he is the only one who can change his own thoughts.   He won't read anything, lately he's been mocking my studies on BPD and belittling it as something "book-learned" verses real life.    She just got a new job and next week will be gone a lot more. This will help but now my thoughts have been tainted with resentment toward DH and I view him with a little less respect than I did going into this.  I'm extremely annoyed that he appears to be sabotaging my efforts to have a time of healing and bonding with my girl before she moves 3,000 miles away.  Nonetheless, I will do my best to assuage DH in ways that show him I'm still here for him, too.   My beloved late mother used to tell me, "There are no men, only little boys who got bigger."  I'm remembering her words a lot this week.  I want my "man" back.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi fixermom,

I'm so very very happy to hear that you and your d's relationship is so good right now.  I can see why you would be feeling like your husband is trying to sabotage that... .stirring the pot  we called it at my  house.

I sometimes caught my husband being jealous... .all the time, attention, and focus on our kids can sometimes leave our guys feeling left out or less than #1 with us.  I found the best way to bring things into balance was to spread the love.  Validate him more, focus on his positives, and share how much his support played a role in my helping our daughter which brought me so much happiness.  I wonder if his stress levels over the new job are working in the back ground here?

If you can have a loving relationship with a BPD child you can help bring him back around too!  You're that good!  

lbj

[thefixermom]

Hehe, lbjnltx, nice way to encourage me.  Thanks.   Somedays I feel praised out, .  But all for a great cause.

[lbjnltx]

Stretching ourselves beyond what we think we can do makes us grow!

Be sure to take care of self at the same time so you grow and don't snap. 

Maybe a date night would help?

[livednlearned]

Hi fixermom,

I think this is a common pattern in all families, to take turns being difficult. Harriet Lerner writes about this in her books. The one I read that helped me in my family dynamics is Dance of Connections. She describes how triangles work in families, how when one person is difficult, it sets up these dynamics with the others (you can apparently have more than 3 people in a triangle  ) So that you and H have a bond, a common "enemy" so to speak, and that creates a feeling of closeness.

Could it be that your H might want some attention from you by acting difficult, since he sees that working with D? It does sound, too, that your H liked being the "good" guy for putting up with D's difficult behaviors. And now that she's not difficult, he  is not sure how to be "good."

I'm doing something like this with S13. He has not wanted anything to do with my SO (dating for 2.5, not living together). Recently he said, "I don't have a reason to not like SO." He even used his name, which is new. And in a stunning turnaround, S13 allowed SO to stay here while I was on a business trip.

I made a comment about something SO did while he was here, just moving things around so I couldn't find them, and S13 almost defended him. It was the triangle shifting. S13 perceived that I was criticizing SO and could then say something nice about him. If I criticized S13 for doing the same thing, I'm sure he would've blamed it on SO. 

The key is to recognize when the triangle dynamics are shifting and remain in a coaching position (not rescuing or fixing) so you don't end up in the middle with both of them targeting you.

[thefixermom]

You know, livdnlearned, I might just say something like that to my DH in a sweet but slightly mocking (baby talking) tone:  "Sweetheart, do you want to be the difficult child now? Does my boy need some mommy attention?"   haha, that would make him stand up straight.

Thankfully, now that it's been a few days, and DH has been spending extra time on outside projects where he does his best thinking, he has mellowed out and has a softer demeanor.  He has noticed that my D38 has him painted dark grey if not black, after his episode with her and so he's not hanging around her too closely. I told him, "Welcome to my world." 

Yes, I do believe it could be a form of triangulation.  DH has perhaps sensed that it's his turn to let loose some pent up emotions and he's been trying to vent to me about D38 and I have not been letting him do it very well because I cringe when he starts describing her actions and getting himself worked up.  He doesn't understand what it means to not take things personally and once he starts venting he usually doesn't quit until he's angry and yelling at me about what am I going to do about this.  I tell him, I'm doing what I'm going to do and it's up to him to grow and change if he wants to have some peace and if he doesn't want to grow and change, that's fine, too, just leave me out of these negative sessions.  Unfortunately for both DH and DD I have reached a point where if either of them try to corner me to talk about the other, I shut it down.  I think this is my way of doing what lbjnltx suggests:  some self care. I hate how I feel when either of them vents at me.

Maybe it's working... .there is a semblance of peace the past couple days.