My love, my everything

[peacefulmind]

It's been some days now since I last wrote on these forums, but I've been following the many tragic stories that have popped up recently. I am trying to distance myself from overanalysing, since it no longer does me any good. I see the patterns in each and every story, the small   I never noticed or indulged. I don't know how to detach, and I don't know how NC is helping me anymore. I've tried it, and it's lasted for a month now. Each succeeding day in maintaining NC, makes me more and more obsessive, and a need for closure seems to be the only thing I can think of. I will try, what many others have done, to write down my story (certain prospects I won't describe, since I do not know if my ex-BPD reads these forums... .)

Dear ex-BPD,

My love for you was bottomless, and to some extent, still is. My care and support have always been the main two virtues that you've told me you appreciated. I gave it to you, I gave it all to you. I gave it to you when you needed me the most, I offered you my guidance in every single instance you would ask for it. I sided with you in almost everything, and I let you know, that no matter what, I would never leave you. Your silent treatment killed me, it killed all my hopes, my dreams, and my ambitions. It took away every core value that I have always possessed, and that I am trying to regain as I write this. I know that these core values were slowly degraded into nothing throughout the last half of our relationship, I just never saw it. I did not understand what it meant when you many years ago told me that you were borderline and bipolar. Instead, I gratified your (now apparant) warning, and told you I could not believe that such a wonderful person like you, could be anything like that. We never spoke hereof again. I would like to believe that it was a cry for help, a warning to me, and that you truly wanted me to stay away from you, at least in a romantic sense. I was too naive to see that, and here I am today, wallowing in pain and despair for what the future holds. I have lost what I thought was my best friend, but I also understand that best friends would never treat each other like this. I have lost the person I thought I was going to spend my life with, and I have never gotten any closure. The silence still continues now, long after I was forced into ending this relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have cried for several weeks over it. And you don't care.

I understand the triangularity I was pulled into with one of your family members. I see how you are on good-terms with this family member now, and I understand that you have painted this person white, after you painted me black. I understand that for every promise that you broke, for every lie you told, and for every single manipulation you put me through, your respect for me grew less and less, until it was non-existent. I understand that the honeymoon phase ended after I had went the long way to see you, and spend my life savings on you. I understand, that the devaluation period started soon hereafter, and I have found the clues, the subtle gestures and actions from you, that would ultimately become our demise. I understand that you never meant to uphold your end of our relationship, and that everything you promised me, was nothing but empty words. I understand now, why you chose not to come see me when you had promised me to, but instead spent the money on other things in your life. I let it slide, and that was stupid of me. I understand, that you already started finding my replacement soon after I returned from you, and that the heartfelt goodbye I thought we had as I was leaving, was nothing else but you, crying over the fact that you thought I was abandoning you. Dear beloved, I told you that this is who I am, and that I will forever love you and come back to you. Abandoning you was never on the table, and I would've never left, if you didn't force me to. Your own personal agenda became the ugly truth of our relationship. I didn't understand what I had done wrong, but I know now, that I didn't do anything wrong. I was wronged. I understand that I brought my own personal issues into this relationship,  that I to some extent, show traits of co-dependency and trust issues. I did do my best to trust you, and I never questioned your motives or your actions. I let you stay out with your new found friends to late in the night, and I would sit and wait for you until you came home. I never once insuinated that you had been with anyone, and I never thought of that as a possibility. I let you live your life like you wanted, and I was the passive bystander who was used whenever you had nothing better to do. I was your emotional keeper, your guardian, yours to use. And you did use me, in the worst possible way I have ever experienced.

I have found peace in knowing that I did everything for you, and to this day, I still love you and I miss you dearly. I need to detach myself from you, get you out of my mind. I obsess over who you're doing all the things with now, that we used to do. I think about the new things you picked up from our relationship, and what kind of manipulations and lies you have used, to ensure that everyone believes I'm an a-hole. I know I am not, I treated you with love, respect, and dignity. Such a shame I didn't offer those same three things to myself throughout our relationship. I will never walk on eggshells again.

I don't know what it is I want to say with this letter that will never be sent. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve. My detachment is very slow, NC has not been the answer for me so far. It has made everything worse and I keep spiraling up and down in serious bad depression. Thank you for that, beloved one. I understand that you're not here anymore, and I will never see you or hear your voice again, and the pain that I feel is self-inflicted as a result of how you treated me, took advantage of me, and threw me out as if I was nothing but garbage. Thank you for showing me that I should never trust anyone other than myself.

You have broken me, and you continue to leave little things around on the internet to try and get to me. It won't stick. But you have broken me. I know that you may not have intended to do so, but your selfishness, your inability to sense your own self, has broken me. I still love you and I still miss you. I want you back in my life, but I know that is the worst thing I could ever do to myself.

I love you, beloved one. I love you so much.

[Trog]

It is truly a heartbreaking illness and so sad that a person whom you love so much can not see or appreciate the heartfelt love you have for him/her. I'm Sorry.

[peacefulmind]

It is truly a heartbreaking illness and so sad that a person whom you love so much can not see or appreciate the heartfelt love you have for him/her. I'm Sorry.

Thank you for your sentiment, Trog. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced, and the most heartbreaking thing to me is the fact that I was the happiest I've ever been during the idealisation, and also devaluation (since it was as gradual as it was... .). I never saw it coming, it blind-sided me and has left me in a dust of despair and confusion. I am thankful to all the support I've gotten from this board so far, but it hurts to see how many people actually have been in a BPD relationship. It leaves me with little hope that I will break my bad habit of seeking out women with issues. I did the personality test, I'm INFJ, which I already knew since I had taken that test prior to my relationship with my ex-BPD. I had never thought my own issues were the key to my unhappiness. Once I get over my heartbreak, and I reach a point where I can start moving forward, I will hopefully be able to read as much into how to deal with my own co-dependency and trust issues, just as I've spent well over a month studying up on BPD, NPD and the associated disorders related to cluster B disorders. It's been a hard road so far, and I expect there to be many more bumps, tire changes, and complete revamps of my car throughout this journey.

I have never been as devastated in my life as I am right now, all thanks to a relationship I should've never initiated in from the start.  :'(

[jhkbuzz]

It's been some days now since I last wrote on these forums, but I've been following the many tragic stories that have popped up recently. I am trying to distance myself from overanalysing, since it no longer does me any good. I see the patterns in each and every story, the small   I never noticed or indulged. I don't know how to detach, and I don't know how NC is helping me anymore. I've tried it, and it's lasted for a month now. Each succeeding day in maintaining NC, makes me more and more obsessive, and a need for closure seems to be the only thing I can think of. I will try, what many others have done, to write down my story (certain prospects I won't describe, since I do not know if my ex-BPD reads these forums... .)

Dear ex-BPD,

My love for you was bottomless, and to some extent, still is. My care and support have always been the main two virtues that you've told me you appreciated. I gave it to you, I gave it all to you. I gave it to you when you needed me the most, I offered you my guidance in every single instance you would ask for it. I sided with you in almost everything, and I let you know, that no matter what, I would never leave you. Your silent treatment killed me, it killed all my hopes, my dreams, and my ambitions. It took away every core value that I have always possessed, and that I am trying to regain as I write this. I know that these core values were slowly degraded into nothing throughout the last half of our relationship, I just never saw it. I did not understand what it meant when you many years ago told me that you were borderline and bipolar. Instead, I gratified your (now apparant) warning, and told you I could not believe that such a wonderful person like you, could be anything like that. We never spoke hereof again. I would like to believe that it was a cry for help, a warning to me, and that you truly wanted me to stay away from you, at least in a romantic sense. I was too naive to see that, and here I am today, wallowing in pain and despair for what the future holds. I have lost what I thought was my best friend, but I also understand that best friends would never treat each other like this. I have lost the person I thought I was going to spend my life with, and I have never gotten any closure. The silence still continues now, long after I was forced into ending this relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have cried for several weeks over it. And you don't care.

I understand the triangularity I was pulled into with one of your family members. I see how you are on good-terms with this family member now, and I understand that you have painted this person white, after you painted me black. I understand that for every promise that you broke, for every lie you told, and for every single manipulation you put me through, your respect for me grew less and less, until it was non-existent. I understand that the honeymoon phase ended after I had went the long way to see you, and spend my life savings on you. I understand, that the devaluation period started soon hereafter, and I have found the clues, the subtle gestures and actions from you, that would ultimately become our demise. I understand that you never meant to uphold your end of our relationship, and that everything you promised me, was nothing but empty words. I understand now, why you chose not to come see me when you had promised me to, but instead spent the money on other things in your life. I let it slide, and that was stupid of me. I understand, that you already started finding my replacement soon after I returned from you, and that the heartfelt goodbye I thought we had as I was leaving, was nothing else but you, crying over the fact that you thought I was abandoning you. Dear beloved, I told you that this is who I am, and that I will forever love you and come back to you. Abandoning you was never on the table, and I would've never left, if you didn't force me to. Your own personal agenda became the ugly truth of our relationship. I didn't understand what I had done wrong, but I know now, that I didn't do anything wrong. I was wronged. I understand that I brought my own personal issues into this relationship,  that I to some extent, show traits of co-dependency and trust issues. I did do my best to trust you, and I never questioned your motives or your actions. I let you stay out with your new found friends to late in the night, and I would sit and wait for you until you came home. I never once insuinated that you had been with anyone, and I never thought of that as a possibility. I let you live your life like you wanted, and I was the passive bystander who was used whenever you had nothing better to do. I was your emotional keeper, your guardian, yours to use. And you did use me, in the worst possible way I have ever experienced.

I have found peace in knowing that I did everything for you, and to this day, I still love you and I miss you dearly. I need to detach myself from you, get you out of my mind. I obsess over who you're doing all the things with now, that we used to do. I think about the new things you picked up from our relationship, and what kind of manipulations and lies you have used, to ensure that everyone believes I'm an a-hole. I know I am not, I treated you with love, respect, and dignity. Such a shame I didn't offer those same three things to myself throughout our relationship. I will never walk on eggshells again.

I don't know what it is I want to say with this letter that will never be sent. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve. My detachment is very slow, NC has not been the answer for me so far. It has made everything worse and I keep spiraling up and down in serious bad depression. Thank you for that, beloved one. I understand that you're not here anymore, and I will never see you or hear your voice again, and the pain that I feel is self-inflicted as a result of how you treated me, took advantage of me, and threw me out as if I was nothing but garbage. Thank you for showing me that I should never trust anyone other than myself.

You have broken me, and you continue to leave little things around on the internet to try and get to me. It won't stick. But you have broken me. I know that you may not have intended to do so, but your selfishness, your inability to sense your own self, has broken me. I still love you and I still miss you. I want you back in my life, but I know that is the worst thing I could ever do to myself.

I love you, beloved one. I love you so much.

I'm glad you took the time to write this out - even though you'll never send it, the process is very cathartic.

It sounds like you are in the beginning stages of the b/u and going n/c. The pain is astonishing in its intensity; the disorder is cruel and almost incomprehensible.

I can't even clearly remember the first three months after my b/u; I think back on it and I was in a pain-filled fog.  I don't even know how I went to work or functioned. I am 9 months post b/u and feeling much more healthy and whole, and there is little pain other than the sometimes sad memories.

N/C will work, but it takes time. Its purpose is to give you time and space to heal safely. 

[peacefulmind]

It's been some days now since I last wrote on these forums, but I've been following the many tragic stories that have popped up recently. I am trying to distance myself from overanalysing, since it no longer does me any good. I see the patterns in each and every story, the small   I never noticed or indulged. I don't know how to detach, and I don't know how NC is helping me anymore. I've tried it, and it's lasted for a month now. Each succeeding day in maintaining NC, makes me more and more obsessive, and a need for closure seems to be the only thing I can think of. I will try, what many others have done, to write down my story (certain prospects I won't describe, since I do not know if my ex-BPD reads these forums... .)

Dear ex-BPD,

My love for you was bottomless, and to some extent, still is. My care and support have always been the main two virtues that you've told me you appreciated. I gave it to you, I gave it all to you. I gave it to you when you needed me the most, I offered you my guidance in every single instance you would ask for it. I sided with you in almost everything, and I let you know, that no matter what, I would never leave you. Your silent treatment killed me, it killed all my hopes, my dreams, and my ambitions. It took away every core value that I have always possessed, and that I am trying to regain as I write this. I know that these core values were slowly degraded into nothing throughout the last half of our relationship, I just never saw it. I did not understand what it meant when you many years ago told me that you were borderline and bipolar. Instead, I gratified your (now apparant) warning, and told you I could not believe that such a wonderful person like you, could be anything like that. We never spoke hereof again. I would like to believe that it was a cry for help, a warning to me, and that you truly wanted me to stay away from you, at least in a romantic sense. I was too naive to see that, and here I am today, wallowing in pain and despair for what the future holds. I have lost what I thought was my best friend, but I also understand that best friends would never treat each other like this. I have lost the person I thought I was going to spend my life with, and I have never gotten any closure. The silence still continues now, long after I was forced into ending this relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have cried for several weeks over it. And you don't care.

I understand the triangularity I was pulled into with one of your family members. I see how you are on good-terms with this family member now, and I understand that you have painted this person white, after you painted me black. I understand that for every promise that you broke, for every lie you told, and for every single manipulation you put me through, your respect for me grew less and less, until it was non-existent. I understand that the honeymoon phase ended after I had went the long way to see you, and spend my life savings on you. I understand, that the devaluation period started soon hereafter, and I have found the clues, the subtle gestures and actions from you, that would ultimately become our demise. I understand that you never meant to uphold your end of our relationship, and that everything you promised me, was nothing but empty words. I understand now, why you chose not to come see me when you had promised me to, but instead spent the money on other things in your life. I let it slide, and that was stupid of me. I understand, that you already started finding my replacement soon after I returned from you, and that the heartfelt goodbye I thought we had as I was leaving, was nothing else but you, crying over the fact that you thought I was abandoning you. Dear beloved, I told you that this is who I am, and that I will forever love you and come back to you. Abandoning you was never on the table, and I would've never left, if you didn't force me to. Your own personal agenda became the ugly truth of our relationship. I didn't understand what I had done wrong, but I know now, that I didn't do anything wrong. I was wronged. I understand that I brought my own personal issues into this relationship,  that I to some extent, show traits of co-dependency and trust issues. I did do my best to trust you, and I never questioned your motives or your actions. I let you stay out with your new found friends to late in the night, and I would sit and wait for you until you came home. I never once insuinated that you had been with anyone, and I never thought of that as a possibility. I let you live your life like you wanted, and I was the passive bystander who was used whenever you had nothing better to do. I was your emotional keeper, your guardian, yours to use. And you did use me, in the worst possible way I have ever experienced.

I have found peace in knowing that I did everything for you, and to this day, I still love you and I miss you dearly. I need to detach myself from you, get you out of my mind. I obsess over who you're doing all the things with now, that we used to do. I think about the new things you picked up from our relationship, and what kind of manipulations and lies you have used, to ensure that everyone believes I'm an a-hole. I know I am not, I treated you with love, respect, and dignity. Such a shame I didn't offer those same three things to myself throughout our relationship. I will never walk on eggshells again.

I don't know what it is I want to say with this letter that will never be sent. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve. My detachment is very slow, NC has not been the answer for me so far. It has made everything worse and I keep spiraling up and down in serious bad depression. Thank you for that, beloved one. I understand that you're not here anymore, and I will never see you or hear your voice again, and the pain that I feel is self-inflicted as a result of how you treated me, took advantage of me, and threw me out as if I was nothing but garbage. Thank you for showing me that I should never trust anyone other than myself.

You have broken me, and you continue to leave little things around on the internet to try and get to me. It won't stick. But you have broken me. I know that you may not have intended to do so, but your selfishness, your inability to sense your own self, has broken me. I still love you and I still miss you. I want you back in my life, but I know that is the worst thing I could ever do to myself.

I love you, beloved one. I love you so much.

I'm glad you took the time to write this out - even though you'll never send it, the process is very cathartic.

It sounds like you are in the beginning stages of the b/u and going n/c. The pain is astonishing in its intensity; the disorder is cruel and almost incomprehensible.

I can't even clearly remember the first three months after my b/u; I think back on it and I was in a pain-filled fog.  I don't even know how I went to work or functioned. I am 9 months post b/u and feeling much more healthy and whole, and there is little pain other than the sometimes sad memories.

N/C will work, but it takes time. Its purpose is to give you time and space to heal safely. 

Thank you jhkbuzz. I'm glad to hear that you are recovering well and have gotten back to your senses, it gives me hope for recovery as well. I am in the middle of being forced into therapy by my family. I honestly do not have time for it at this point due to other commitments I need to attend to, but I am beginning to realise it may be the only way I can find better tools to work with myself on, aside from NC. It hurts me how my family is affected, and how they no longer see any other way than therapy for me. Something I never thought would be a subject, since I usually have a very strong will to see things through and survive (something that I apparantly have lost throughout my relationship).

I will accept the therapy, and I will see where it brings me. I am in a dark hole and I can't seem to dig myself out anymore

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you jhkbuzz. I'm glad to hear that you are recovering well and have gotten back to your senses, it gives me hope for recovery as well. I am in the middle of being forced into therapy by my family. I honestly do not have time for it at this point due to other commitments I need to attend to, but I am beginning to realise it may be the only way I can find better tools to work with myself on, aside from NC. It hurts me how my family is affected, and how they no longer see any other way than therapy for me. Something I never thought would be a subject, since I usually have a very strong will to see things through and survive (something that I apparently have lost throughout my relationship).

I will accept the therapy, and I will see where it brings me. I am in a dark hole and I can't seem to dig myself out anymore

I'm not sure how you are being "forced" into therapy, but consider changing how your are viewing their attempts: you are "hurt" that they see therapy as the only avenue of healing for you; perhaps you can view their attempts coming from a place of love since you are in so much pain?

I also have a very strong will and know I will always survive, but my relationship nearly pushed me over the edge in a way that nothing in my life ever has. It took me a long time to climb up out of my pit of sadness and anxiety, and therapy was very, very helpful in that process.

How long since you broke up?  How long have you been n/c?

[Trog]

It is truly a heartbreaking illness and so sad that a person whom you love so much can not see or appreciate the heartfelt love you have for him/her. I'm Sorry.

Thank you for your sentiment, Trog. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced, and the most heartbreaking thing to me is the fact that I was the happiest I've ever been during the idealisation, and also devaluation (since it was as gradual as it was... .). I never saw it coming, it blind-sided me and has left me in a dust of despair and confusion. I am thankful to all the support I've gotten from this board so far, but it hurts to see how many people actually have been in a BPD relationship. It leaves me with little hope that I will break my bad habit of seeking out women with issues. I did the personality test, I'm INFJ, which I already knew since I had taken that test prior to my relationship with my ex-BPD. I had never thought my own issues were the key to my unhappiness. Once I get over my heartbreak, and I reach a point where I can start moving forward, I will hopefully be able to read as much into how to deal with my own co-dependency and trust issues, just as I've spent well over a month studying up on BPD, NPD and the associated disorders related to cluster B disorders. It's been a hard road so far, and I expect there to be many more bumps, tire changes, and complete revamps of my car throughout this journey.

I have never been as devastated in my life as I am right now, all thanks to a relationship I should've never initiated in from the start.  :'(

Yep. Me too. It's a bark innit!

But I'm a year down the line and it hurts far far far less! I remember those nights, the pain was intense, I spent some hours just on the floor crying into the carpet with snot rolling out of my nose and tears down my eyes. It was like being stabbed! It was the most painful experience of my life. But really, its not even a tenth of that anymore, just the odd pangs of loneliness. I thought i'd die from the pain. I didn't and everyone around me now tells me how much stronger and more confident and well I seem. It gets better.

[peacefulmind]

It is truly a heartbreaking illness and so sad that a person whom you love so much can not see or appreciate the heartfelt love you have for him/her. I'm Sorry.

Thank you for your sentiment, Trog. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced, and the most heartbreaking thing to me is the fact that I was the happiest I've ever been during the idealisation, and also devaluation (since it was as gradual as it was... .). I never saw it coming, it blind-sided me and has left me in a dust of despair and confusion. I am thankful to all the support I've gotten from this board so far, but it hurts to see how many people actually have been in a BPD relationship. It leaves me with little hope that I will break my bad habit of seeking out women with issues. I did the personality test, I'm INFJ, which I already knew since I had taken that test prior to my relationship with my ex-BPD. I had never thought my own issues were the key to my unhappiness. Once I get over my heartbreak, and I reach a point where I can start moving forward, I will hopefully be able to read as much into how to deal with my own co-dependency and trust issues, just as I've spent well over a month studying up on BPD, NPD and the associated disorders related to cluster B disorders. It's been a hard road so far, and I expect there to be many more bumps, tire changes, and complete revamps of my car throughout this journey.

I have never been as devastated in my life as I am right now, all thanks to a relationship I should've never initiated in from the start.  :'(

Yep. Me too. It's a bark innit!

But I'm a year down the line and it hurts far far far less! I remember those nights, the pain was intense, I spent some hours just on the floor crying into the carpet with snot rolling out of my nose and tears down my eyes. It was like being stabbed! It was the most painful experience of my life. But really, its not even a tenth of that anymore, just the odd pangs of loneliness. I thought i'd die from the pain. I didn't and everyone around me now tells me how much stronger and more confident and well I seem. It gets better.

I hope I will face the same reality. The pain and stabbing is still very true to me, albeit it's less day for day. The pain of knowing how little my ex-BPD cares, and how he/she just moved on without a regret in life, kills me. And it again makes me wonder if he/she ever really meant anything that was said. So devastating... .

[Achaya]

Peacefulmind, I am so sorry that you are in this place with these excruciating feelings.My most recent ex was not as destructive as yours, but many years ago I was involved with someone very much like what you describe. I learned recently that he had been convicted of fraud in a federal case, so clearly he was more in the sociopathic narcissist category than BPD.

I went to a workshop recently on how to protect oneself against manipulation. A lot of the workshop focused on relationships of the type you describe in your letter. One thing the workshop leader said that really struck me: He pointed out that these relationships never get past first base. When they start to mature like a relationship is supposed to do, the disturbed and abusive partner distances or breaks up. When the couple reconciles they restart the story at the beginning. What this means is that the person in your position never gets past idealization. You don't get to the place where you feel very secure and comfortable and you find out about the other person's flaws. You remain focused on the insecurity of the attachment, and on trying to make it secure, and all of this keeps you in the position of the fly fisherman trying to land her big fish. You never really find out that when that fish is caught and served up for dinner, it isn't very good.

I too am still in love with my BPD ex, and I would like to think that I was committed for life and could have honored that. Even so, near the end of our 5 year relationship I have to admit that the rose colored filters were falling off my eyes. As a partner in a working relationship my ex turned out to be lazy and non-contributing. She wanted the role of the partner who fixed things around the house, but I had to nag and nag to get anything done that she had promised to do. I have a work ethic myself, and I was irritated and losing some of the admiration I feel for my ex. If it had gone on a few more years, I'll bet I would have gotten downright disgusted. And even though my ex would have fully agreed with how useless she was, and in fact said that numerous times, if I had really gotten angry it would not have changed anything in a positive direction. She would be out today helping someone else, someone whose situation made my ex feel like a savior, a noble rescuer in a tragic drama. She is probably doing exactly that right now, while I spend my Sunday continuing to clean up yard messes that she promised to do many months ago.

It's that sort of thing that we don't see in these off/on, hot/cold dramas. The painful longing for the unavailable partner, the agony of the breakups, the passionate reconciliations, distract from the mundane, boring, irritating, disgusting experiences that happen in a long term relationship. My previous relationship lasted 20 years, and my former partner and I have negotiated a friendship since we broke up 7 years ago. I know pretty much exactly what went on between us and why we broke up, and I know that why we were incompatible. We got to know each other well enough to figure that out. I have no longing at all to rekindle anything with my former spouse, but I respect the relationship more than I did before my more recent breakup. I know what a real relationship feels like, even if it wasn't successful in the long run, and my latest relationship didn't make the grade. It's easy to keep looking like a shiny object if you never let anyone get to know you well enough to be disillusioned.

[peacefulmind]

Peacefulmind, I am so sorry that you are in this place with these excruciating feelings.My most recent ex was not as destructive as yours, but many years ago I was involved with someone very much like what you describe. I learned recently that he had been convicted of fraud in a federal case, so clearly he was more in the sociopathic narcissist category than BPD.

I went to a workshop recently on how to protect oneself against manipulation. A lot of the workshop focused on relationships of the type you describe in your letter. One thing the workshop leader said that really struck me: He pointed out that these relationships never get past first base. When they start to mature like a relationship is supposed to do, the disturbed and abusive partner distances or breaks up. When the couple reconciles they restart the story at the beginning. What this means is that the person in your position never gets past idealization. You don't get to the place where you feel very secure and comfortable and you find out about the other person's flaws. You remain focused on the insecurity of the attachment, and on trying to make it secure, and all of this keeps you in the position of the fly fisherman trying to land her big fish. You never really find out that when that fish is caught and served up for dinner, it isn't very good.

I too am still in love with my BPD ex, and I would like to think that I was committed for life and could have honored that. Even so, near the end of our 5 year relationship I have to admit that the rose colored filters were falling off my eyes. As a partner in a working relationship my ex turned out to be lazy and non-contributing. She wanted the role of the partner who fixed things around the house, but I had to nag and nag to get anything done that she had promised to do. I have a work ethic myself, and I was irritated and losing some of the admiration I feel for my ex. If it had gone on a few more years, I'll bet I would have gotten downright disgusted. And even though my ex would have fully agreed with how useless she was, and in fact said that numerous times, if I had really gotten angry it would not have changed anything in a positive direction. She would be out today helping someone else, someone whose situation made my ex feel like a savior, a noble rescuer in a tragic drama. She is probably doing exactly that right now, while I spend my Sunday continuing to clean up yard messes that she promised to do many months ago.

It's that sort of thing that we don't see in these off/on, hot/cold dramas. The painful longing for the unavailable partner, the agony of the breakups, the passionate reconciliations, distract from the mundane, boring, irritating, disgusting experiences that happen in a long term relationship. My previous relationship lasted 20 years, and my former partner and I have negotiated a friendship since we broke up 7 years ago. I know pretty much exactly what went on between us and why we broke up, and I know that why we were incompatible. We got to know each other well enough to figure that out. I have no longing at all to rekindle anything with my former spouse, but I respect the relationship more than I did before my more recent breakup. I know what a real relationship feels like, even if it wasn't successful in the long run, and my latest relationship didn't make the grade. It's easy to keep looking like a shiny object if you never let anyone get to know you well enough to be disillusioned.

Thank you for telling your story. It sounds like you have been through a lot as well

I paid special notice to your comment on the workshop, and how they never get past first base. I can relate, I never felt like the idealisation phase was over because the devaluation happened very very gradually. It was to the point where it was barely noticeable, but I realise now (after going through years worth of chat logs, texts, and more) that they were there. I just loved this person too much to pay attention to it. I can see the patterns in the written, and I can see where my own issues have played a role. My ex-BPD and I never got to the reconciling phase. I ended it before then. I was devastated, heartbroken, and I couldn't keep going anymore because of the pain I felt. Everyone I talked to told me to end it, to start focusing on myself and stop putting my energy into a person who clearly had just been lying to me. Now, a few months after, I am still not entirely ready to detach, and NC (as I wrote earlier) has still not shown me its full power. I hope it will come with time, I am just very hurt and devastated at the moment, but it was very carthatic to write it down, really.

I can also relate to the "When they start to mature like a relationship is supposed to do, the disturbed and abusive partner distances or breaks up.". My ex-BPD knew that it was soon time for him/her to make the next move, and that I had already done mine and proven how much I wanted this (and that I was in it for the long run). That, combined with his/her fear of abandonment (which had been initiated a long time prior to the final silent treatment, when we had to say our goodbyes in the airport) must've led to him/her feeling engulfed, probably triggered by stress. The worst part is, that if he/she had voiced the concerns and the fears, I would've talked about it, given space (better than I tried... .I found it hard to go completely silent as he/she did... .), and ultimately we would have probably reached reconciliation when my ex-BPD was done with doing whatever he/she wanted to do. I don't know what would've been better... .Keep the illusion going for just a few months more so I could finish the most important task in my life (which I'm not sure I will be able to do now because of this... .) or that it was good the illusion was broken so my healing could start that much faster. I was left at the most important time in my life. Everything I have worked hard for all comes down to this, and I'm in a position now, where I am not sure I will make it in time, and it pains me so much.

Thank you again, your comment on the "first base" was good, and I can relate and understand why I started walking on eggshells early in the relationship. I can understand the different emotional abuses I was exposed to now... .It hurts and I don't know what to do with myself right now. My ex-BPD is already living his/her life as if I never existed, despite everything I have done and sacrificed. But as you said... .Never let anyone close enough to burst the bubble. *sigh*