Notes from the Downward Spiral

[confounded]

I would've left her.

Last night I realized that if she had not cut me out, suddenly and without warning, I would've left her. She idolized me, sexualized me, told me I'm her fetish; that she felt more deeply about me than anyone else in a long time - including her husband. We were never intimate, our physical contact was limited to handholding, a few quick kisses - the closest we ever were to crossing the line was when she grabbed me by my suspenders, dragged me through the doorway to a darkened room and pushed me against the wall - but pulled back when I pushed her away and reminded her we had two other people to think about.

I don't care about the numbers, sexes, or the various combinations thereof people have relationships in; I don't care if it's all plain vanilla, if it includes whips and chains or reciting bad poetry at each other - as long as all the people involved know what the game is and what the rules are and abide by them, and no one gets hurt unless they want to. But she never told her husband that we had become friends, never mind that there was more between us than just that. So the rules were broken and I had become accessory to her emotional cheating. Was she just bored and horny? Was she trying to set me up as a replacement? Was she serious about me but didn't know how to handle the kind of relationship game I was playing? I don't know. But I realized that in not telling her husband, she had crossed the line. And I was partly to blame - even after I had learned I was her little secret, I hung around, naively hoping that if we just had the chance to talk things through, I could show her the page in my rulebook where we were at, and she'd come around and see things from my point of view, and we'd live happily ever after - the four of us.

We never got that far. She cut me out of her life, just like that. I would've given her a warning, a second chance to tell her husband about us and face the consequences - I would've given her an explanation, and the closure she denied me. But I would've left her. I would've left her because I loved her, and would not be a part of the hurt she caused to herself.