Crossing the line to help him

[marie1057]

I am wondering if attempting to restore relationships for my 23 son is so vastly wrong or inappropriate. He is unofficially diagnosed with BPD, however my therapist stays he sounds like he is and he fits the criteria. Anyway he doesn't communicate with anyone except occasional angry outbursts. In our home we see the anger much more than the public but when he does explode publically, he is so embarrassed he ends jobs and relationships. He mind reads what he thinks people think of him and won't have a conversation. He is down to zero friends, sleeps when not working and won't interact with us very much. Just a few words here or there. The depression is bad. Lately he doesn't even show the anger part just silence. I know other family members don't understand him and my peacemaker personality wants to smooth things over so the people he was once very close to understand him and my goal is for them to reach out to him. One is his brother and his closest cousins. He needs a support system. I wrote a nice, validating text  (and haven't sent it yet) explaining his personality, reminding them of the good times and asking them to reach out and not avoid him. I did not mention BPD. I think if I do nothing he will get more and more isolated if that's even possible. He misses the relationships he had with these family members and he is hurting and lonely. I haven't seen him smile in many months.  Is this wrong to pull in the troops? Yes I know he will be angry with me if he finds out. I don't fear that. I fear him giving up with nobody in his life. He already lost his girlfriend and all his other friends.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi marie,

How are you doing?  I can see why you are concerned about the lack of relationships in your son's life.  The isolation from others is not healthy and can add to the feelings of emptiness he experiences.  Have the brother and cousin reached out to you to see how your son is doing or asked why he is the way he is?  It takes a lot of skill to successfully navigate a healthy relationship with a person suffering with BPD. 

Most people, even our closest family members will not invest the time and energy it takes to understand and accept our children.  For this reason I found it best to follow their lead rather than ask them to follow mine.  If they ask what is wrong I tell them the basics of what my daughter struggles with (no labels).  If they express a desire to have a better relationship I suggest skills to use and why they are important to have a relationship with her or really anyone else in their lives. Then I step out of the way so as not to triangulate.

If others reach out to her and then she doesn't respond or responds negatively it can further damage the relationship which isn't helpful.  I also don't ask others to accept any abuse from my daughter, that isn't helpful to them/her either.  So it all really comes down to how much others are willing to invest and letting them take the lead.

This is just my experience I speak from.

lbjnltx

[marie1057]

I am doing okay. Thanks for asking. Therapy really helps me cope.  I am grateful I can see my counsellor and share my thoughts. I have noticed more and more family members don't ask about my son. People avoid or maybe they don't care. I just wish people would reach out or ask without me prompting it. I know he has to find his own way and one day I hope he will get into treatment. I am continuing to read about BPD and using the skills that I have learned so far. The isolation is really bothering me. I am attempting to get more people to visit us. It's a slow process. So I am practicing self soothing skills myself. Gardening, cooking, coloring, etc.

[lbjnltx]

It is so hurtful when others don't seem to care... .I think it is more they don't know what to say because they think they have to offer some solutions.  Validation is good for us too, all we need sometimes and our kids too is to know that others care. 

[kelti1972]

There is always hope.  Our son had cut off all his brothers and sisters and blamed them and us for so much.  This was before we kicked him out of the house and a lot of miracles happened at that time.   He was on a mission for our church and he got on a plane and came home seven years ago.  He was soo angry, he left his faith, God, removed his membership from our church.  Lashed out at our faith, his family and so many people.  He lost jobs and threatened suicide many times.  He abused drugs and alcohol and that is why he eventually had to leave our home.  This happened a month ago.  It was agony and terror for me, I thought for sure he would die and it would be our fault.  He was suppose to get assessed with a therapist while he was still living at home, but ended up not showing at the therapist.  Any way long story short, he ended up at a halfway house and found God again, and got assessed and is now returning home and going to therapy and treatment.

So I feel there is always hope!  I remember feeling so alone and so lost and so broken hearted that he fought with his brothers and sisters and kept cutting all of them off.  A year ago his oldest brother physically attacked him and called him a cancer to the family.  I thought I would die and never get through that.  But today they hug each other and talk and his oldest brother was one of his greatest supporters when he was at the halfway house.  Anyway don't give up.  Take care of yourself, be good to yourself.  Kelti