struggling

[Smileypants]

I haven't been here in a bit.  Recently found out I'm pregnant.  I really wasn't planning on having anymore kids with my BPD husband.  I was only having sex with him to minimize his outbursts and rages.  He is convinced that if I am not regularly sleeping with him that I must be cheating.

Previous to the pregnancy, I was heavily considering divorce.  It actually got to the point in one argument that I told him flat out that "I'm going to divorce you".  He could tell I was serious and went in don't leave me, why do you want to tear this family (ha, ha) apart, save his butt because he knows he can't function on his own mode.  I told him I don't like the way he talks to my kids and I don't like the way he talks to me.  And I told whenever he is trying to have a normal reaction to anything he always has to stick a burn sentence on the end to make that person feel like s**t.  He apologized and is on good behavior so far.  But I still don't trust it.  It always comes back.  I'm having a hard time staying connected.  My family and friends don't know about the pregnancy.  I don't plan on telling them anytime soon.  I'm not even telling my kids.  I don't hold anything against the baby.  I do love the baby.  I don't often feel love for my husband.  I don't often feel attraction for him.  I am happier when he and his sons (my teenage stepsons that seem to have a lot of traits of BPD) are not here.  I don't feel like I can be myself.  I feel irritated when around them.  I wish I never married my husband.  I am feeling so lonely, sick, anxious and depressed. My kids are struggling with ADHD, anxiety and behavior problems.

I feel like I caused it all, exposing my kids to him.  I have my first OB appointment next week and I am going to ask them to refer me to a therapist.  I can't seem to shake this, I am not happy.

[despr8]

Hi Smiley pants, first off you are normal and have the right to feel the way you do... .now that being said I know how you feel because my wife has BPD also and our issues are similar... .I have said of BPD its like a tornado you never know when its coming and when you realize its here all you can do is brace yourself and wait it out and hope you don't get hurt in havoc... .I have been dealing with my relationship for 2 years and its been a tasks to say the least... .the meds are helping but when she has a episode of stress its like "watch out"... .there have been times I didn't want to love her and wished it was over... .decisions in this kind of relationship are very difficult to make... .hope your relationship issues get better and pray you don't lose your self along the way... .despr8