Has anyone been spat at and how did you handle it?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, has anyone been spat at by theirs pwBPD? how did you handle it? How did you move past it? Thanks

[Loosestrife]

Hi, has anyone been spat at by theirs pwBPD? how did you handle it? How did you move past it? Thanks

[UndauntedDad]

Loosestrife,

I'm sorry this happened to you.  It happened to me about a year ago, and to me, it was a big deal to me. My uBPDw and I were arguing. I had lied to her earlier in the day, so I was not blameless, but this part of the argument was mostly me sitting quietly, trying to tolerate, and apologizing.  She got up, walked over so she would not miss, and spit at me, hitting my arm. 

I was shocked.  It had been years since her rages had gone beyond words with us.  I calmly stood up, told her she spit on me, and said I would not talk to her anymore, and asked her to leave the room.  She shouted more but I turned away and did not speak or listen until she left the room to go take a shower.

How did I get over it?  I didn't, in a sense.  I wrote it in my journal, adding to the evidence of how extreme things had gotten.  The strange thing for me was how I was not really surprised, instead I was suprised when I discovered later that this behavior is not common in most marriages... .I'd gotten quite used to the rages and I was very isolated.  Less so now... .

The harder part to get over was more recently when I discovered she had no memory of this event.  As part of our therapy, I asked her to read some excerpts from my journal, and I included the spitting part but did not bring it up otherwise.  2 weeks later after she read the excerpts I asked if she remembered spitting on me, and she could not recall it at all.  So, either she did not read it, or she blocked it with denial. I understand her shame and difficulty coping, but if she can't face or admit the past it's hard for me to get over it.

Still working on it... .

[Loosestrife]

Thanks daunted dad. I had the same issue with my SO doing it in a rage and then having a fuzzy memory duento shame. Her excuse is poor coping mechanisms and anger, but she has apologised. It's happened more than once so I'm worried it will happen again. It's just so disgusting, it has effected my self esteem a little, that someone who is supposed to love me can treat me in such a degrading way.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Loosestrife, I'm sorry that you went through this humiliation.  I find this sort of behavior unacceptable, yet tolerated it for years in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Had my T-Shirt ripped off me, Had my clothes dumped in a pile on the front lawn, had my family photos smashed, etc.

The danger, in my view, is that these incidents erode one's self-esteem, as you point out, and the cumulative effect can be devastating on one's sense of self.  It's hard not to fall into the role of Victim, which is one of powerlessness over outside forces.  I should know, having allowed my BPDxW to treat me like a doormat.

The best strategy, I suggest, is to take action that leads to empowering you.  You are in the driver's seat here.  Determine what steps you need to take in order to protect yourself from anything like this ever happening again.  If you don't take steps now, you know it's going to happen again . . . and again.

LuckyJim

 

[DyingLove]

She did spit at me once.  As much as I loved to be kinky with her, I'll just say I didn't get totally angry after I realized what she did.  Was kind of a turn on in a sense.  I think my attitude about it totally confused what she intended it to mean. That wasn't the first thing that happened that should have meant one thing and turned into another.

I realize how demeaning it could actually be, but it is what you make it.  Now, I wish it were as easy to get over everything else.