Amicable divorce vs Lawyer battle

[llor]

I am going through a divorce with my ex wife wBPD. House is sold and most of the split of the asset has been done. Other than business related divorce discussion, we have not talked since. She indicated she wants us to talk as friend first before we finalize the divorce which I am not entirely sure I want.

So I am debating going through a lawyer instead of trying to do the whole "amicable" divorce thing.

My question is, how many here had to go through lawyers to get their divorce and how many of you were able to deal with their ex wBPD directly to get their divorce ?

[Turkish]

I didn't divorce, since we weren't married over our 6 year r/s, but we have two kids together so there were custody issues (and I had to pay her something like a "severance" to get her to leave, on top of putting a down payment on a new car for her).

If you think that she is not going to escalate things or cause problems if you can meet, then think about it, staying safe.

If you can leave emotion out of it and think of it as concluding a business deal, then do so. It helps immensely to remain as amicable as possible. After your business is concluded, then you can go NC or whatever equivalent if that works for you. Using the tools here helped me a lot (even the Staying communication tools) to reduce conflict.

As many say, divorce by definition is adversarial. It's up to one or both parties on how adversarial it becomes.

[llor]

As many say, divorce by definition is adversarial. It's up to one or both parties on how adversarial it becomes.

I like that quote. I'll keep it in mind. Thank you ! 

[maxen]

hi llor. immediately after my w bolted i was in shock. at first i did think we could go through mediation, save time, money, be reasonable with each other etc. but she got a lawyer and i got a lawyer and i now realize that if we had gone to mediation i would have thoroughly outdone, and going through lawyers helped me inestimably. i mean, completely. you may be at a different place emotionally than i was (i hope you are!) but in dealing with a pwBPD you may want to have that layer anyway.

what would she need to talk to you about at this point?

[livednlearned]

Hi llor,

Bill Eddy (author of Splitting) often comments that not all people with BPD are high-conflict personalities. Someone who is high-conflict does, however, have BPD, and also recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and focuses on a target of blame (you). Does your wife have a history of doing any of these things?

Eddy also describes three types of PDs:

generally cooperative

not cooperative, not dangerous

not cooperative, dangerous

If your wife is the first one, meeting with her might work out ok, especially if you have validation and SET skills

If your wife is not cooperative, not dangerous, and you have good boundaries and feel strong enough to meet (with conditions), it might work out ok for you.

If she's not cooperative and is dangerous, face to face is probably not a good idea.

Majority of the people I've seen on these boards have the third type -- not cooperative, dangerous, followed by the second type -- not cooperative, not dangerous. So many end up with lawyers, either because kids/custody are involved or there is a criminal case (false allegations of DV or child abuse, for example).

If you're still getting your sea legs after leaving her, and it will be emotionally traumatizing to be with her face to face, then a lawyer can really help settle the business side of things.

Of course, lots of us aren't too excited about paying for lawyers, especially after being married to impulsive spenders who drained our savings and whatnot. If you're feeling strong, she is relatively cooperative and not dangerous, and you have good boundaries, then it may be possible to go forward without a lawyer.

As Bill Eddy says, people with personality disorders aren't just difficult people, they're THE most difficult people. If ever there was a person who required a lawyer, it's a person with a PD, is my two cents. 

My ex was not cooperative and dangerous, though. That has definitely biased me toward using lawyers.

[ForeverDad]

It is okay to (cautiously) attempt mediation and settlements.  Actually, the first required step for the divorce process, right after the temporary order, is to attempt mediation.  Notice I said 'attempt'.  In our potentially high conflict cases we often can't reach a least-unfavorable settlement until later in the process, just before a major hearing or trial.  Yes, even our cases often do end in settlement, but not early in the process when our stbEx is still very entitled.

Meanwhile, don't expose yourself when trying mediation.  Have legal representation so you don't 'gift' too much away and to avoid common traps and pitfalls.

[milo1967]

My experience was this:

My XW (NDBPD) insisted on mediation without lawyers.  I was skeptical to say the least, as she is unstable, controlling, bullying, dishonest, selfish, and just plain nasty. But I gave it a try.  The first session she showed her true colors and I realized that I would have to retain an attorney.  She did as well, and the war was on.  It cost me (and is still costing me) probably around 50k.  But I realized early on there would be no rational, amicable dealings with this person and I accepted that I would be financially devastated.  I don't regret it, as her fury was unleashed in frightening false allegations.  So I would say, give mediation a try, but do not underestimate the insanity of a true BPD.  Protect yourself.  You will be glad you did.