Is she "pulling" using our son?

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Hello All:

So, I've been in mostly LC with my BPDw, been separated for 2 month, 50/50 custody so far. Since separated, on two occasions, she had outbursts through emails; blaming, accusations or hurling insults. I kept cool the first time, ignored the email, but the second time, I jabbed back... .still practicing... .

Anyway, that was a month ago. Since separated, I pretty much just give her status update to our kid, kept concise and short.  Most times, she never responded, but I still kept doing it as it's a responsible co-parenting thing to do.

Last Thursday, surprisingly, she emailed me her first status update about our son (some bug bites), polite & detailed... .I replied in the same courteous manner, but still concise and short. However, when she replied again, but almost 3 days later? She was asking me to give him medicine & please take care of that "poor child".

I know you might think I'm over thinking it.  However, knowing her, when she uses words like that and in such a tone, typically, it means she's softening in their strange BPD way since they never apologize.

I've been reading a lot about BPDs since we separated, know more about it now... .my question is, do they use kids to do the pulling?  Does this mean she's finally realizing her behavior is causing our son a "poorer" quality of life or something else?

Thanks guys

[LeonVa]

Hello All:

So, I've been in mostly LC with my BPDw, been separated for 2 month, 50/50 custody so far. Since separated, on two occasions, she had outbursts through emails; blaming, accusations or hurling insults. I kept cool the first time, ignored the email, but the second time, I jabbed back... .still practicing... .

Anyway, that was a month ago. Since separated, I pretty much just give her status update to our kid, kept concise and short.  Most times, she never responded, but I still kept doing it as it's a responsible co-parenting thing to do.

Last Thursday, surprisingly, she emailed me her first status update about our son (some bug bites), polite & detailed... .I replied in the same courteous manner, but still concise and short. However, when she replied again, but almost 3 days later? She was asking me to give him medicine & please take care of that "poor child".

I know you might think I'm over thinking it.  However, knowing her, when she uses words like that and in such a tone, typically, it means she's softening in their strange BPD way since they never apologize.

I've been reading a lot about BPDs since we separated, know more about it now... .my question is, do they use kids to do the pulling?  Does this mean she's finally realizing her behavior is causing our son a "poorer" quality of life or something else?

Thanks guys

[enlighten me]

It sounds like she wants you to think well of her. "Look what a loving parent I am". Maybe painting you white.

Or it could be that she is building up to something. Maybe wants you to buy something for son or lend her money.

[LeonVa]

Thanks @enlightenme.  She's pretty well off herself as she makes about the same as I do, but I do feel like the sudden change in attitude is building up to something, just not sure what... .such I felt like she's "pulling"... .

I know one thing is that I won't go back with her unless she comes in terms with what she did and truly regret / apologize, but the thought of BPD is incapable of apologizing ever just shuts me down, cold. 

After all the readings, I know now that I deserve to be treated respectfully back, be assertive and I HAVE to let her figure out this herself.

[enlighten me]

Its strange how we have the gut feelings. A feeling we just cant put our finger on.I have it all the time with my exs all the time and usually theyre only being nice because they want something.

[bravhart1]

My experience with terms like "my poor baby" usually means we are being set up to look like child is not getting proper care while in our custody. Usually a projection to the poor care they got while in BPDms care.

To later be used in court to say, child is not being well cared for, please don't give child to non, BPD is better parent.

[LeonVa]

@bravhart1, I'll keep that in mind. I report any conditions I see when I pick up my son during my week, so she really can't pin anything on me.

@enlightenme, could be like you said, she just wanted to paint herself as a caring mother all of a sudden.

Just have to stop guessing what she wants to do and leave it be I guess. I can never guess what happens next.

[enlighten me]

Hi leon

one thing I have realised is how they act  can be due to a lot of things. Normally when one of my exs is being nice to me then something is going on in there own life. My ex wife was going through a bad patch with her husband and all of a sudden she was wanting advice from me and being sickly nice. Maybe she was guaging me for an escape plan. It hasnt lasted. Just went through a little rant from her.

[livednlearned]

one thing I have realised is how they act  can be due to a lot of things. Normally when one of my exs is being nice to me then something is going on in there own life.

This has been true for me too. I could never figure out a rhyme nor reason and gave up trying to second guess. Although, I do think when my ex had an alternate narcissistic supply, he chilled a little bit.

My son's psychiatrist said that people with BPD have a hard time seeing their kids as separate from them, that's why attempts to individuate and have separate feelings/identities are so threatening. The kids are literally extensions of them. So it's possible your ex is experiencing your son as her, if that makes sense. She is the "poor child" and she is projecting this onto your son.

I also agree with bravhart1 to pay attention to the shifts in tone and temperament in case you're about to get hit with a false allegation. I believe that many pwBPD truly believe what they fear and their thinking is so disordered that the motives are more or less real to them.

Either way, when you sense something in your gut that things are shifting, pay attention.