Am tired

[JustAMum]

My nearly 17 yr old d is unofficially diagnosed with BPD. Last night she didn't get her own way over staying at her boyfriends house. The tantrum that followed was like a 2yr old. There was no rage just tears and attempts at emotional blackmail. My d tried to OD last year and knows that I'm scared she will try again. I stuck to my guns and didn't drive her over. I thought she was going to do a runner but she didnt. I am a sole parent. She is coming home from boarding school full time in 4 weeks. How do I let her know that trying to scare me with the possibility of dark thoughts won't help her to get her way?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thora]

I can so relate! Have had exactly the same situation with my dd several times. Reading about what to do--validate, validate and, at the same time, stick to your resolve--is easier said than done. The dream would be if you said everything just the right way, everything would turn out well and conflict free. At least that's the trap I've fallen in to.

You're doing the right thing by not reinforcing negative actions by giving in. My d's docs said not to fall into the trap of emotional blackmail for fear she might hurt herself unless you do x,y, z. It's scary as heck not to give in to that! Because, of course, as moms we'd do anything to protect our children. Unfortunately, if we give in to the fears and threats, that's negatively reinforcing the way she manages to get what she wants in the world. While it may work at home, it's surely going to cause problems elsewhere (work, friends, etc.) So that's incentive to try to continue being firm with boundaries/expectations -- but also still, of course, validating our d's emotional struggles. A delicate balancing act, indeed.

So, so difficult. No one outside of this community would understand what we go through. You're not alone. Sending good thoughts your way!

[JustAMum]

Thankyou... .I know I did the right thing. I drove her over to her bfs this morning at some ridiculous time. What I don't get is how she can be so smart at school but have the emotional maturity of a toddler. She saw it as me having control or exercising power over her. What she failed to see was the lesson of self respect I was trying to give her. The bf initially didn't want her to come over and she was happy to be at home but then he changed his mind and like a little lap dog she was keen to go over. That's why I said no. Her response was its my choice... .but with her low self esteem and self loathing she thinks that it's ok. This bf virtually ignores her at school and this has upset her a few times as she has whinged to me about it before. How do I teach her that she deserves more?

[js friend]

Hi JustAMum,

My guess is that its the self loathing, lack of identity and fear of abandonment that drive our dd's to be greatful for any small crumbs of attention that is thrown at them. My dd's self esteem has always seemed to be at rock bottom ever since she was bullied at school.All her relationships since puberty especially with boys have involved some form of dysfunction... .domestic violence, chasing the ones who already had partners, lying about her age to get partners, and trying to hook up with ones online. I used to point out the risks to my dd. She knows them herself. She reads articles and  sees reports of girls meeting guys online and ending up dead yet she was still doing it.I would tell her that  she deserved more... .tell her  that they are better boys/men out there and to just wait for the right one to come along and that she needed to love herself first or I used to turn it around and ask her if her little cousin or friend was in such dysfunctional r/s what would she tell them... .What I didnt do was validate her feelings. It may have changed things a little. Being told to anything for her welfare or those of gc my dd sees as being for power and control.

Our kids are too impulsive and too immature to wait. They see others in relationships and want be in one to no matter at what the cost... .Maybe it IS hard to love yourself when you feel that there is nothing there to love and seems like anything is better than being alone. 8wks after my dd had first gc she was trying to hook up with someone online.!

My dd now has 2 small children, and it still worries me about the lengths she will go to be in a r/s :'(

I have found that praising my dd does help though.Not going overboard but noticing the small things seem to improve her confidence. Today she came over and i noticed her nail varnish.She always looks after her nails and does them herself, really neatly.Her face really lit up when i said how much i liked the colour. Just a small thing but  I could tell that she was really pleased that  I had noticed.

[lbjnltx]

How do I let her know that trying to scare me with the possibility of dark thoughts won't help her to get her way?

By not reacting to her demands emotionally yourself, respond with S.E.T.

By being consistent in your responses, don't create an extinction burst

By helping her develop a higher level skill to get her needs met in a healthy way, teach her to negotiate

By living your values, set personal boundaries and family values; set limits

lbj

[JustAMum]

It's comforting to know that I'm not alone. It's draining to be a parent at the best of times. She's so high need. I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for the next episode.