Does the gender of the divorce lawyer matter?

[Safe]

I have been looking for a male lawyer because my stbBPDxH has a pattern of lashing out at women and appears to be inhibited by men in daily life.

However, trying to find a male divorce lawyer has been difficult since most of them are female.

I was initially hoping to settle quickly out of court (short marriage, no kids, only significant amount of money he owes me that he has the ability to repay, just chooses to reduce/delay), so I was hoping a male lawyer would be more effective for negotiating settlement out of court, considering his pattern of behaviour.

Does anyone have experience to share?

I'm sure of his bias in daily life, but does it matter when it comes to lawyers in out-of-court settlement negotiations, or in court settings (in case we have to go there)?

Thank you

[ForeverDad]

My first lawyer was female, a former ADA.  But she was somewhat new to family law practice and she was from out of the county.  Netiher of us had filed yet but we had TPOs against each other.  I feel she was out of her experience/comfort zone.  She would have been okay as a forms filer and hand older but not for my high conflict case.

My second lawyer, hired when I later filed for divorce upon recommendation of my first lawyer, was a former police officer and had over a dozen years handling divorce and other sorts of cases.  He was described to me as a "problem solver" but during the entire case he ignored PD diagnostic labels (as does court so much of the time, it focuses on behaviors) calling her crazy, F-ing Nuts, a sociopath, etc.  In some respects he was not proactive enough, not willing to stray very far from usual court policies.

So far as I could tell, the lawyers' gender wasn't one of the big issues, though I suspect she was comfortable with the male lawyers.  Our son's Guardian ad Litem (GAL) was a woman, very qualified as a lawyer but also reluctant to make big changes to orders.  Like the other professionals, she felt more comfortable with baby step fixes.  So it took eight years for me to go from 22% parenting time (son was 3 going on 4) to 75% parenting time (almost 12), the majority of my son's childhood.

Are you sure you don't want your spouse to face a female lawyer?  Your lawyer may want him to 'act out' so the court and other professional can see the real him.  A female lawyer should be able to handle an opposing client who lashes out, don't you think?  Worry about your own outcome, not how the lawyers feel.  It's their job, for you it's your life!

[Safe]

ForeverDad,

That's an interesting perspective. So in a strange way, him potentially "lashing out" at a female lawyer might actually be advantageous to me as it shows his true colours... .

My initial shell shocked thoughts (after being raged at, threatened, exploited and then feeling exasperated and let down by the system in that verbal/emotion/financial abuse don't really have much consequence!) was that I want to get it over and done with quickly.

The money he owes me is the only issue and it does't warrant going to court (it's very, very straightforward to normal people). So I was hoping a strong male figure could "prevent" the dysregulation and rounds and rounds of unreasonable demands and get to settlement quickly.

However, by now, I have read enough on this board advising against the false hope of "getting it over and done with quickly", and we might indeed end up in court. And the "lashing out against female" might help me in case we do end up there. I'll keep this in mind.

[maxen]

do keep it in mind but don't make your choice on that basis. i'm sure women lawyers are used to getting attitude from men, and men lawyers are used to getting attitude from women. your most important question is, are you comfortable with your L? does he or she appear to have a plan? does he or she appear to have a spine? does he or she return calls promptly? does he or she explain things clearly? if a lawyer has high-conflict experience that's good; my L never claimed to but when things got tense she responded carefully and coolly and slowly, which i assume would be good traits in any case she handles.

of course we can't predict how things would go, but my situation was similar: no children, short-ish marriage, only division of assets. with no custody involved, the amount of assets would have to be awfully high in my county for the case to get to court. and a trial is expensive; my L said i would be looking at 20K, but she also kind of laughed and said that that would never happen.

[livednlearned]

That's an interesting perspective. So in a strange way, him potentially "lashing out" at a female lawyer might actually be advantageous to me as it shows his true colours... .

I agree with this. These things do add up when you're in court. The theater aspect too. My ex, representing himself, cross-examining me on the witness stand... .it just didn't look good to have a big guy intimidating a small woman. One of the first things my L said to me is, "You're a really credible looking witness."

My initial shell shocked thoughts (after being raged at, threatened, exploited and then feeling exasperated and let down by the system in that verbal/emotion/financial abuse don't really have much consequence!) was that I want to get it over and done with quickly.

I think what people are trying to say is that the legal system is not quite 1 + 1 = 2. It's very possible that your ex gets consequences, but there will be a lot of math involved before you get there. So it might be more like 1 + 5 - 3 + 1 - 1 - 1 = 2. You eventually may reach 2, but you have to go through a lot to get there. Meanwhile, spending money to get money, or custody, or whatever your goal is. Don't give up hope, just manage your expectations. It's always possible that a judge will find your ex's behavior appalling and slam him with full repercussions + legal sanctions.

The money he owes me is the only issue and it does't warrant going to court (it's very, very straightforward to normal people). So I was hoping a strong male figure could "prevent" the dysregulation and rounds and rounds of unreasonable demands and get to settlement quickly.

That's also possible. My ex was like this -- he initially had a male lawyer. I think N/BPDx desperately wanted to be seen as a good dad who just wanted to be involved in his son's life. He hired a father's rights lawyer (who I think was a good dad) and that's perhaps why we were able to mediate so much of our temporary order. But keep in mind that your lawyers are probably going to do some backroom wheeling and dealing without either party present. So your female lawyer will be dealing with his lawyer, who is probably male. 

[Thunderstruck]

My DH initially had a female L. The issue wasn't so much about the L's gender, but moreso that the L was very passive. She spent the entire retainer without anything to show for it. She wasn't aggressive in pushing back on uBPDbm. She had no idea about high conflict situations. Then she went on maternity leave (she was pregnant when she took DH's money but didn't disclose. grrr).

So in that timeframe of waiting for nothing to happen, Thunderstruck and DH got smarter and found bpdfamily and learned about high conflict custody and alienation. We chose a (male) L specifically because he had a lot of experience in these areas (but unfortunately experience is spelled with numerous $$$$'s in family court, so we've spent a bundle on him). I remembered in our first meeting with him, telling him that we suspected BM to have BPD and his response was talking about how BPDs create chaos and basically described the behavior. I was like, good - someone who gets it and hopefully knows what we're up against!

I think DH and I discussed how choosing an older male for a L might intimidate uBPDbm. I'm not sure if it has worked.