Being the parent of a BPD is lonely

[Heart Broken]

I am new to this board.  Briefly, my adult daughter has had emotional issues her entire life.  She is generally sweet, kind, and loving but has a side of rage.  She lives with anxiety, insomnia and deep grief ( lost her younger brother who was not only a sibling but many ways her 'baby' as he was 9 years younger,among other losses) had a psychiatrist cross all boundaries by falling in love with her, was anorexic when a teenage,later bulimic and still suffers from an eating disorder at 40, was hospitalized for eating disorder while in college, experienced many physical issues from accidents because of impulsive behavior, had individual and family counseling for years, had a serious neck injury and concussion from a crawlspace flooring falling on head, had several other concussions from accidents, had two failed neck surgeries and lives with chronic nerve pain and muscle spasms, went through a divorce and  presently is in psychotherapy. Her father and I have stood by her through all of this not to mention she and I have been VERY CLOSE until this past year!   She has exploded in rage on several occasions expressing all our wrongs.   She requested no contact last summer, only to come into phone contact shortly thereafter  ( she lives out of state from us) but recently went into another rampage and has gone to 'no contact'   I know this post is long but felt a need to express it here, the only place I can as something like this is so private, especially since our culture does not have the compassion or education for psychological illness as they do physical illness.  Our society looks at psychological issues are because the person is flawed or someone else is the cause of it.  ( blame the parents, right?)   This comes to the initial reason for my post... .I am LONELY, very, very sad, crying all the time.  I have lost both my children... .one  in heaven now and my daughter still in the physical but gone.    Our daughter wants her father and I to go to therapy but therapy has let our family down for at least 25 years and I don't need to go to a 'doctor' and talk and talk about this.   Prayer hasn't worked either.  So we go out with old friends and new friends, listening to them talk about their 'children' and 'grandchildren'.  We smile, ask questions and believe it or not, we are interested but  being estranged from our daughter is now killing me.  I am 'old' and worn out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

You have come to the right place.  There is so much compassion and unconditional love and caring.  I too felt lonely and isolated like you about my BPD daughter.  I spent time doing the lessons and tools you will see to the right of the screen, it helped me alot.  I have read tons of books and done family therapy, walked and talked with God, but this site has truly helped me the most.  One of the things I learned, as I am a controlling person, was to let go a little.  Last spring/summer our daughter went NC, and we knew she was doing some very bad things, we were worried sick.  We had tried so many things to get her back in our lives and it wasn't working---we backed off, my husband and I spent time working on ourselves.  Things like using validation, SET, and common boundaries.  It wasn't long and she was back (mostly because she needed something) and we were ready with new tools and ways of coping and it made a tremendous difference.  You will probably hear from people on this site who are so much better at expressing themselves and giving you advice than I am, but remember that truly we care and you are not alone---there is hope, my daughter is doing very well and our relationship is so much better and happier.   Best wishes that you find what you are looking for.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Peachtree,

I'd like to welcome you alongside madmom!  I'm sorry you feel so alone, even in the midst of a crowd of people we can feel lonely because we don't have anyone who understands our pain and concerns.  The good news is that you have found a community that does understand.

Your daughter has a long history of loss and injury.  She must be hurting badly as well, I'm sorry for her as well.  :'(

What do you think about using this time of No Contact to prepare yourself for better communication and a better relationship when your daughter comes back into your life?  Is this something you want to work on with us?  We are here to help you do that. 

lbj

[tristesse]

Hello Peachtree and Welcome to bpdfamily.

I understand your feelings and all of the hurt your are experiencing. I can hear the pain in your words, and my heart hurts for you.

I understand, because I too have an adult daughter, 31 years old, who suffers many conditions along with her BPD, She has a grocery list of illness, and physical pain from things like spinal stenosis, so not only is her pain emotional, it is physical, just like your daughter.

The one thing I have learned, is that my BPD daughter lashes out when she is feeling stressed out, anxious or nervous about something. I am usually her target, and her words can be lethal. I have learned to not react, but to respond. Sometimes I fail, and react on emotion, but when I think about my response first, I get much better results. The tools and lessons on the right side of this board, are very helpful in teaching us the skills we need to be successful parents to our BPD children, even the adult ones.

My daughter has also gone no contact before, and it tears your heart out, I used to sit and worry myself sick. The end result has always been the same though, she eventually needs something from us, and comes running back.

I guess what I'm saying is this, I get it, I understand, and I am here to listen when you just want to vent, and to help where I can. I understand the lonely aspect as well, but I finally told my closest friends about my daughters issues, and I explained that sometimes it gets bad, and I get sad and depressed, and I suffer anxiety because of the entire ordeal. I followed up with, I don't want or need sympathy, I need support, I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes and an ear to just listen most of the time. I had 1 and only friend say something negative, I told her that her opinion was just that, hers and an opinion, but since she didn't live my life, she didn't truly understand, so please refrain from sharing, I have enough negativity in my life. She apologized, and it has never happened again.

Do not be ashamed or afraid to share this with the people you know and trust. They can be a great asset when things get shaky for you. If they turn away, they were not true to the relationship anyway, and you are better without them, but my guess is, you will have an abundance of support, and a sounding board when you need it.

Good Luck to you new friend, I will be here if  you need me.

[Heart Broken]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support, communication with me, and your kind hearts.  My nature is always wanting to 'fix' everyone's pain.  I realize I can't but I hurt for all of us.  Never, ever did I think I would be in this situation.  Things like this happen to others not to every day, hard working, traditional, outgoing, social, compassionate, educated, loving parents like us.  But YES, the worse has happened to us.  On the outside we look like we have a charmed life, but our reality is far from that.  We are grieving, heartbroken parents who love each other and our children more than life itself but a parent's worse nightmare has happened to us twice.  We lost our 23 year old son eight years ago, our sweet loving daughter has been  emotionally and physically ill her entire life and now she has requested no contact.  We are alone with no children.  Yes our daughter is physically alive but very sick physically and emotionally.  Socially we are tortured with the reminders of how abnormal our life is as everyone shares the 'glowing' lives of their children and grandchildren.  I am genuinely interested in hearing everything about them, encouraging conversation ( keeping the attention away from me so I am not put in an uncomfortable position about any explanation about our daughter's life... .interestingly if they do ask and I make a quick perfunctory statement and turn the attention on them, they quickly go on with the rest of the night showing no further interest)

       I need 'hope' ! Please tell me there is hope.   This is a very cruel disorder.  Everyone suffers!   Sending you lots of love with a warm hug.

[lbjnltx]

Where there is breathe there is hope Peachtree.

While you cannot make your daughter get help or embrace her therapy you can support her and encourage her, you can communicate with her in a way that she feels heard and understood, you can teach her about boundaries and not enable bad behavior, you can be a model of healthy emotional/mental stability.  This is where you have the power to help yourself as well as your daughter.

We have the lessons, the skills, the hearts to help all right here.



lbj

[Heart Broken]

My daughter has been in therapy on and off since she was 14 and anorexic. We also did family therapy.  She was in a in patient for anorexia and bulimia when she was a sophomore in college.  She was in marriage therapy when married at 28.  She was in therapy after she lost her brother when she was 30.  We were a part of that therapy with the same psychiatrist.  This psychiatrist crossed boundaries by treating my daughter, husband and I separately.  He further crossed boundaries by falling in love with our daughter and wanting my husband and I to be his parent. Now she is and has been with a psychiatrist who she respects for 3 years.  She has moved away from where we live and we have supported her independence.  The estrangement has totally blind sided us.  The first time it happen was almost a year ago when we were to visit her and help her find a place to live.  She displayed a behavior of rage and screamed her outrage on the phone to her father while on listened in the room.  This went on for over an hour, maybe two hours.  She said we needed counseling, and implied too many boundaries had been crossed. This was the first time she asked for no contact. This came after we stood by our daughter through an abusive relationship with her husband and mother-in-law, through a serious head concussion ( which her husband ignored) , through a serious neck injury as a result of the head injury, stood by her when she moved in with us after two neck surgeries of which both failed.  Are you getting the picture?  There is much more, especially losing her brother, our son who was murdered by unknown person(s)   The no contact, estrangement lasted a very short time and she was back in touch.  (Remember we live in separate states so contact is through internet or phone)  Her father ( my husband) had a business trip last month where our daughter lives.  He and she had a good time together but it fell apart when he questioned her about her purchase of a small condo that had been deemed inhabitable because the structure needed strengthening. Although the association is fixing it, he questioned if she would be responsible for paying for it. She interpreted this as criticism and flew off the handle and we are back to NO CONTACT.  She claims that she is heartbroken and said that we need to see a therapist.  That is fine and we do have an appointment this week, but we do not know what help we need for ourselves so we can help our family.  I must share that we have not been told that she has BPD.  It is my independent diagnosis, based on what the last psychiatrist implied  ( he said he never puts a name to a disorder) .  So we see a doctor this week in hopes of putting our broken family back together again.  Sorry this is so long.  I am impressed if I held your attention and you were able to read it all.  Bottom line my heart is broken. I am worn out.  I love my daughter with my whole being. I can't believe this has happened to us.  Doesn't it happen to everyone else.  We have been hard working, compassionate, hard working, involved parents and socially connected to wonderful friends.( But of course we protect our daughter at this time without sharing this to our friends) It is lonely and I am grateful to have you to hold me up at this time.  We I get to a place of more security and peace, I can be there for you.  Love and Peace.  xoxo

[lbjnltx]

Yes Peachtree, we have all suffered broken hearts in regards to the loss of our ideals of parenthood with our BPD children.  Having to let go of the dreams we had for our kids and our relationship with them, accepting that they are suffering from mental illness, and finding a way to carry on is why we are all here.

What do you believe you need to begin to heal yourself?  We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else.  What thoughts/feelings consume you the most?

lbj

[Heart Broken]

lbj   Thank you for taking the time to read my very long last post. I am most grateful for your support not to mention being connected to this group of BPD family of friends. As importantly, I have a placed to turn and not feels the loneliness.  I hope as I get stronger, I will be more present with my support for others.  

      I realize there is a wealth of information on BPD here of which I will turn to often.  For now I am trying to overcome being blindsided with our daughter's choice of estrangement, in addition not knowing the definite medical diagnosis,  ( I have come to this diagnosis on my own), and still looking for that thread of hope that our daughter will be healed as well as our family of three... .daughter, mom and dad.  We do have an appointment with a therapist this Thursday.  

       I know I have to find a way out of my depression.  I cry all the time.  A 'happy' pill will not cure my reality.  We have a daughter who is seriously ill, both physically and emotionally.  The only way I can be okay is for my daughter to find relief from this inner battle that she suffers and in addition find healing for her two failed neck surgeries.   I love her with my whole being and her life time of suffering has me exhausted, worn out, very sad, and lonely.  Thank you for offering this place to release my desperateness and grief. xo

[lbjnltx]

Peachtree, when I first arrived at this site my daughter was newly diagnosed with "emerging BPD" at age 12.  I could not understand why the members kept asking me what I needed to take care of myself.  I thought... .I'm not the one who needs help.  If my daughter would get better that is all I need.

In essence I was keeping myself a victim to the disorder and didn't realize it.  I was in the grieving process and didn't realize it.  I was denying my responsibility to be the best Mom I could be for my family and myself and didn't realize it.

The hard truth of this is that we can take back our personal power, we can consciously grieve, we can make choices that will help us and thereby improve our relationships with our children while taking better care of self.  We can't heal our kids and we can do everything within our power to promote healing.  As quickly as your daughter left your life she could return.  Will you be ready?

A formal diagnosis is not needed for you to benefit from the Lessons and Tools here.  They are solid healthy skills for parenting any child or adult child.  The feelings of companionship, being understood, validated, accepted are only the beginning of the healing journey for you.  Ironically enough, this is the same thing we learn to provide for our children, it can also be the first step for their healing.

When my daughter feels heard, understood, accepted, and loved she is able to process her overwhelming feelings and lean into me instead of away from me.  She comes to me for help because I don't judge, I support.  She trusts me because I support and don't enable.  She believes in her skills because I model the skills she knows and they work for me.   I learned to do all of this through the skills on the site and was supported in my efforts by the membership here.  We will do the same for you at your pace when you are ready.

This is difficult to wrap your head around I know.  I'm 6 years down the road on my journey.



lbj

[kelti1972]

Hi Peachtree:

I am also fairly new on this site.  Both my husband and I are reading How To Love Someone with BPD by Shari Y. Manning PhD.  I have also been reading all the tools, lessons, etc.  This book has been the best for me and my husband.  We know we have to be patient, and take time to learn, listen and to have faith, hope and love.  It is soo hard, soo slow and soo hard.  I understand, when we kicked our son out of our home a few months ago, I wanted to die.  He didn't talk with me for awhile and I thought I would die.  My biggest fear is facing the reality of losing my son, either to abdonment or death.  I love him soo much, but I had to face that fear and grieve it in order to really take care of myself.  He was homeless for three days and I thought I would kill myself from worry, pain and agony.  I think I have so many elements myself of BPD, so not only I am learning to help him, but myself as well on this site... . 

He is back home with us, which I never thought would happen, but he is living here as long as he respects the boundaries he was set up and we have ageed with.  He wrote them and we discussed them and we all agreed.  I don't want to go through another crises and loss, but I know I cannot control people, places and things.  I try and accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Please do not give up hope.  Like the other member said as long as their is breath there is hope.  I have been in many therapies all my life.  I lost my mother at 4, lost my younger brother with my mother, lost my whole family when they abandoned me when I got therapy for being sexually abused, lost my first husband to cancer.    My sisters youngest son, disappeared on her and wouldn't even come home when she died, and my best friends dauughter who was biopolar did the same to her and her sisters.  I was and still am so afraid my son will do that.  He also suffers physically and he has since he was very small  I also had therapists cross boundaries with me, and there are really good therapist and really bad ones.  More bad ones than good, do not give up.  Research, talk, find the ones that have and do their own work.  Ones that have faced their own issues and do not put their unresolved issues on you and your family.  Someone that is not perfect but is competent and proffessional.  Even our therapist that has been with us for 20 years and is retired now does not understand BPD.  SHe is not an expert in that area and I could tell by what she said she would not be objective for us. 

Trust your gut, find who is right for you and do not give up.  We are here for you and you for us.  Stay with us, we need you too!  Now is not forever.  It is hard and slow.  The lonliness at first is awful.  We may feel alone but we are not.  It is just a feeling.  There is so much support.  I get it from anywhere and everywhere I can find it.  You need to take care of you and you are worth it and worth to fight for.  Fight for yourself.

I am sorry to go on and on.  Just know it will get better, hang in there.  I have 11 grandchildren, seven children, and was visiting our youngest daughter last week in Utah, and I was so glad for her that she has found happiness and peace in her life, but I kept feeling so sad and alone that our youngest son is sufferring and hasn't found a relationship yet in his life or a full-time job.  I was in some self-pity, we have a mine, yours and ours and he is the only ours.  So it feels even more heartbreaking.  We went to therapy all the years we had him, and we thought he would turn out the best of all the children, because the others had lost either a mother or father to death, and struggled so much with a blended family.  All of them have had their problems, believe me, but this one just seems so forlorn and I get feeling so bad for the whole thing. He is going to be 28 this september. 

I just got to keep on taking care of me, learning, roll playing, learning new skills and not beating myself up because I am not perfect at it.  I will try, fail, try, fail, succeed and treat myself with gentle tolerance. Even if we loose our children for a short time or a long time, it will work out, it will.  I have to believe that.  Whether here or somewhere else all will work out and be well.  Take care we are here anytime.  Kelti1972

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Heart Broken]

Kelti and all:

           I can't express how grateful I am for your support.  It takes a moment to read a post but to respond takes more thought and is very generous.  I mention this because I want you to know that I do not take it for granted.  I am at an inner place of being overwhelmed with my sadness that I don't have much energy inside me to read other posts and respond.  As I get stronger and healthier, I hope to be there for you also.

            Right now this amazing group is carrying me in my loneliness, fears,regrets, hopelessness, and  exhaustion.  It is also a place of resources which are educational.   I may be very alone in my social circles, but in the outside world, there you are struggling and surviving this emotional disorder.  Blessings to all.  , , !

[lbjnltx]

Kelti and all:

           I can't express how grateful I am for your support.  It takes a moment to read a post but to respond takes more thought and is very generous.  I mention this because I want you to know that I do not take it for granted.  I am at an inner place of being overwhelmed with my sadness that I don't have much energy inside me to read other posts and respond.  As I get stronger and healthier, I hope to be there for you also.

            Right now this amazing group is carrying me in my loneliness, fears,regrets, hopelessness, and  exhaustion.  It is also a place of resources which are educational.   I may be very alone in my social circles, but in the outside world, there you are struggling and surviving this emotional disorder.  Blessings to all.  , , !

[kelti1972]

Peachtree:

I understand and you will get stronger and stronger.  Our prayers our with you and our hearts our with you, good luck and take care.  Kelti1972