Been arrested for the 3rd time BPD wants to reconcile /going through custody

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I've broken up with my BPD ex for the 3rd time and each time she has said I'm physically abusive ... .I kept going back to try to save our children from a broken home but this 3rd time was too much... .I went two months no contact. Now that we are going through custody and she is backed in a corner she is trying to reconcile... she's been going to therapy(mandatory)and staying in a shelter but she is saying she is getting better but I don't think that's the case. I think she doesn't want to put in the work at a job and be responsible... .she most likely wants a free ride since I work my ass off so she could be a stay at home mom but I am fighting hard for custody. I'm a great father and really don't have confidence issues but I'm definitely not abusive and not confrontational so I always hated the arguing. It just got bad for my children. She did stay away from her family who are very unhealthy but I think that just added more pressure on me in the relationship... any advice?

[Mbalderas79]

So I've broken up with my BPD ex for the 3rd time and each time she has said I'm physically abusive ... .I kept going back to try to save our children from a broken home but this 3rd time was too much... .I went two months no contact. Now that we are going through custody and she is backed in a corner she is trying to reconcile... she's been going to therapy(mandatory)and staying in a shelter but she is saying she is getting better but I don't think that's the case. I think she doesn't want to put in the work at a job and be responsible... .she most likely wants a free ride since I work my ass off so she could be a stay at home mom but I am fighting hard for custody. I'm a great father and really don't have confidence issues but I'm definitely not abusive and not confrontational so I always hated the arguing. It just got bad for my children. She did stay away from her family who are very unhealthy but I think that just added more pressure on me in the relationship... any advice?

[SES]

Have you been arrested? What for?

[Mbalderas79]

Assault/domestic... first two times she retracted her statements this time I have plenty of evidence to prove she is the abusive one

[SES]

I'm really sorry to hear that.  From personal experience,  it's really tough.  I'm thinking if you.

Are you still living together? Do you audio or video record when you are around her?

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, you can't afford to be overly nice, overly forgiving, overly fair, overly whatever.  What you do need are boundaries.  One being... .Misbehavior will result in consequences.  In this instance you have evidence she is the abusive one.  If you drop the case - or let her drop it as she did the times before - then the pattern is likely to continue again and again.  At some point the professionals will reach their consensus, do you want it that she is the repeatedly forgiving victim or that you have proved you are the repeatedly framed target or scapegoat?

Good for you that this time you have documentation that you aren't the one misbehaving.  Quite possibly the officials will not be anxious to "throw the book at her".  In my case, my ex had a pending case against her (eventually ended in a trial a few months later) for making DV threats - I had recorded it all.  Didn't stop her from going to family court and getting temporary custody of our preschooler for the next two years.  Yes, the tables turned, eventually, slowly, over the years, but it was a hard path.

Set your priorities.  You can't stop her from doing - or trying to do - what she does.  Best to set your priorities to yourself, your parenting and your children.  She must of necessity be way down the list, you can't continue to allow her to sabotage you, your parenting or your children.  Yes, she will have a negative impact but keep it to as low a level as possible.

Will her retractions and promises indicate a real change?  Generally not.  Promises are easy to make and easy to break.  Without long term effective professional help she will revert back to her patterns again and again.  Recovery, involving intensive long term therapy and not a few sessions, is difficult to accomplish.

What eventually worked for me - it took years of baby-step improvements in court - was to weaken her entitlement as purported victim and defending mother.  Metaphorically pulling her fangs made my parenting less of an uphill struggle.  In time her bite was less than her bark.

But the journey was difficult.  I had to resist feeling sorry for her, resist her attempt to guilt me into being too nice.  (A person's sense of niceness and fairness is a wonderful quality but not appropriate when someone is working to undermine you, manipulate you or even attack you.)

[Matt]

You're living in the family home now, with the children?

Who takes care of the kids when - right now?

Do you have an attorney?

My main advice right now would be to not be in the same place as her, without a non-family adult third party present.  I know that can be awkward but it's the only way to make sure you won't go to jail.

[Mbalderas79]

I have trial for my charges in August and a temp custody hearing this Monday... .she signed a 60 day protective order against me of going home so I've been staying w my sister and she's been staying at a shelter w my kids playing the victim and also bc her parents won't help her anymore... .she's under cps investigation , I'm not... .I just have a domestic assault charge that I'm fighting hence the August trial... I can go home now but since the order has expired on me going home but due to my charges and pending trial I can't have direct contact with her... .she tries calling me all the time and came to my work and talked to me asking to let her go home and reconcile ... .she said she is going to therapy and getting help and that she has learned her lesson and what not... .I did establish visitation rights on the weekends until our temp custody hearing this hearing which I will be fighting for full custody... .the time has helped me not miss her much but when I she came to my work it was hard not feeling bad for her bc I know she doesn't want to be Bpd... .she is extremely beautiful and very warm when she's nice but her bad is very bad... .I love my kids more than anything and am desperate to save their lives from this mess...

[ForeverDad]

it was hard not feeling bad for her... .

Which is why I wrote what I did above.  They may be her feelings now but she has proven a pattern to throw you to the wolves when she's triggered, angry, acting out, whatever.  You need to get safe and keep safe - usually that means physical, emotional and legal distance.  Protect yourself, protect your parenting.

Sadly, making up is not a solution.  In the past it has enabled her, though the dysfunctional relationship, to resume the roller coaster ride, cycling around and around.  If you want to get the professionals to really support you once you've shown you're not the main problem, then you'll have to convince them you're not going to become a revolving door perp or victim.  At some point, the police and others will begin saying, "Here we go again, when will they ever learn?  Let's haul him in again... ."

Whether or not she says she wanted to make an allegation, she did do it.  Not once but three times at least.  It WILL continue unless you find a way to change things.  Clearly, she won't or can't.  You have been so close to her - poor behaviors are most evident with close relationships - that you're now one of her triggers and she can't see anything past her emotional baggage of the relationship.  So a real fix is up to you.

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

Understand that temporary order hearings are usually very brief, maybe a half hour.  In my case, the magistrate asked one question, What are your work schedules?  Naturally, I worked and she was at home.  She got our preschooler, both temp custody and temp majority time.  Court ignored that she had a case pending against her in another court.  Maybe the court saw her adult behaviors with me as not affecting her parenting behaviors.  Maybe the court ignored it because it was a pending case and not yet adjudicated.  Maybe it just ignored that entry on the forms.  Maybe the court assumed a temp order is just temporary.  Beware - in high conflict cases a divorce can take 1 or 2 years, sometimes longer.  My son was 3 when we separated, he was 6 when we finally got to the final decree.  And during all that time the court never cared to change one line of our two "temporary" orders.  Over two years with alternate weekends before I walked out with equal time in the final decree.  The lesson?  Get the best order you can get at that initial hearing.  You may be stuck with it for much longer than you, your lawyer or the court expect.

[Matt]

I have trial for my charges in August and a temp custody hearing this Monday... .she signed a 60 day protective order against me of going home so I've been staying w my sister and she's been staying at a shelter w my kids playing the victim and also bc her parents won't help her anymore... .she's under cps investigation , I'm not... .I just have a domestic assault charge that I'm fighting hence the August trial... I can go home now but since the order has expired on me going home but due to my charges and pending trial I can't have direct contact with her... .she tries calling me all the time and came to my work and talked to me asking to let her go home and reconcile ... .she said she is going to therapy and getting help and that she has learned her lesson and what not... .I did establish visitation rights on the weekends until our temp custody hearing this hearing which I will be fighting for full custody... .the time has helped me not miss her much but when I she came to my work it was hard not feeling bad for her bc I know she doesn't want to be Bpd... .she is extremely beautiful and very warm when she's nice but her bad is very bad... .I love my kids more than anything and am desperate to save their lives from this mess...

So are you unable to live in your home?  Or only unable to be where your wife is?

Maybe it would be best to live in your home, but get your lawyer to have a restraining order so she can't come there.  Then if you can get at least 50/50 temporary custody, you and the kids will be back to "normal" - living together in your home - half the time.

Do you have a criminal defense attorney?  What advice are you getting?  How are you preparing for the trial?

That should be your top focus now - making sure you are acquitted.

And make sure your attorney knows not to accept any plea agreement.  That will mean admitting you broke the law, and it will make it much harder for you to get even 50/50 custody.  Many attorneys try to get their clients to take plea agreements - it's easier than going to trial - but once you sign a plea agreement you can never un-do that - ever.

[livednlearned]

I love my kids more than anything and am desperate to save their lives from this mess...

Hi Mbalderas79,

The sentence you wrote above is the reason I left my ex. You cannot save your kids and your wife at the same time, unfortunately. If you love your kids, you need to protect yourself, and that means you no longer rescue your wife. She has to hit the very bottom before she will even begin to get serious about treatment. And by bottom, I mean very bottom. Kids being taken away and probably worse. She's mentally ill and without serious consequences for her abuse, she won't change.

Another thing I learned the hard way.

Every time you rescue your wife, or protect her from the consequences, you teach your kids to have a similarly abusive and dysfunctional relationship. In genuine loving healthy relationships, people are not abusive. No matter how beautiful, no matter how warm, no matter how wonderful or great they are, if they are abusive even 5 percent of the time, they are abusive. You cannot be a little bit abusive.

Your wife is a bully. When you forgive her and let her treat you the way she does, you teach your kids it is ok to be this way. Bullies don't change until there are boundaries and consequences for their behavior.

My son was being bullied at school when he was 8. He's 13 now, and the reason he no longer lets kids bully him is because he saw me stand up to my ex and put a stop to it. I sent S13 the message that we matter. No one can treat us like that, including someone who says he loves us. Especially someone who says they love us.

If you want to save your kids' lives from this mess, you have to stop rescuing your wife. There is no middle way here. It's her or the kids.

[Mbalderas79]

She is getting investigated by cps for the abuse she has caused and has lost a custody case before of her oldest son ( my stepson). When we had one child she lost custody to me but like a fool I got fooled into going back and we had another one... .I spent $7500 on the best custody attorney here and another for almost 5k on criminal... .I'm pretty sure the cps won't give her a great ruling because my stepson spoke up and told the truth... his father and I have a great relationship seeing as how we both have gone through the ringer... .she got charged with assault on his new wife awhile back and got arrested for punching him out a year later but the court dismissed it... no way I'm taking a plea this time ... .we weren't legally married just engaged ... .nobody is at my house which is dumb seeing as how I couldn't go there yet she hasn't stayed there ... .I'm not going back until I get something in writing to be safe... I'm super thankful for all the advice nobody understands what this feels like except for people who have dealt with it

[GaGrl]

So there is an order in place now for No Contact? And she is calling you and coming to your workplace?

She is already the one violating the order.

[Matt]

Do you have a very solid plan for the trial?

Have you and your attorney gathered all the evidence you can?

Have witnesses been subpoenaed?

Will your attorney call your ex as a witness?  Does he have a very good plan for questioning her?

Will you take the stand?  Has your attorney practiced how he will question you, and prepared you to be questioned by the prosecutor?

Has the prosecutor already offered a plea agreement?  How did you handle that?

Background, so you know where I'm coming from... .

* Married 12 years.  Kids 8 and 10 when we separated, plus two older stepkids I love as my own.

* Wife physically attacked me twice.  The second time she then called 911 and said I "threw her down the stairs".

* The police arrived and did a good job investigating.  If they had believed her I would have been charged with attempted murder, but they caught her lying, they found physical evidence which supported what I said, and the kids both told them what happened, which supported what I said.

* I was arrested anyway because in my state the Violence Against Women Act requires the police to arrest the man.  Charged with ":)omestic violence assault" and did 16 hours of hard time.  My wife was arrested too, charged with smaller stuff.

* When the police report was available I got a copy and my lawyer showed it to the judge, who dismissed my charges.  I (maybe foolishly) agreed that my wife's charges should be dismissed soon.

* During our divorce my wife continued to say that I had attacked her, so I filed a motion to have her deposed, and her lawyer did the same.  Each of us was questioned under oath by the other attorney.  In 4 hours she told dozens of lies, many of which we could prove false.  I told the truth.  This strengthened my hand, because if our divorce had gone to trial we could have put her on the stand and proved she had lied under oath.

* I also filed a motion for a Custody Evaluator - a court-appointed Ph.D. psychologist who administered objective tests - the MMPI-2 - to both of us.  That enabled him to diagnose her with "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD.

* My criminal defense attorney advised me to never be alone with her again, without a non-family adult third party present, because if I was, she could make another accusation, and under the law I would be considered guilty til proven innocent (the federal VAWA).  I have taken his advice and that has improved my life a lot.

For you, my hope is that you will focus now on your trial, and make sure you are acquitted of all charges.  Then move into the house and get a restraining order to keep her away.  And seek full custody of your kids so you can raise them without too much time spent with their mom.

A tough road but worth it!

[Mbalderas79]

The no contact order is against me pending the criminal trial... I do have witnesses for both the custody and criminal hearing. I am the only one on the lease (not legally married) and she hasn't had a job in 3 years. She stayed at the shelter bc she has no support and didn't want to have to pay the bills . I have paid rent this whole time and my landlord only wants me living there not her. I have tons of texts ,audio and video recordings showing she's the guilty party. I was originally charged w a felony but it's been reduced to misdemeanor which I am not gonna take since I'm innocent . her ex husband recorded her saying she would rather sign her rights over on her older son than pay child support. I will be giving that to my family attorney tomorrow. I also recorded her saying she would tell the d a she lied and made it up if I took her back.

[Matt]

Will you put her on the stand?

Will you testify?

How well prepared is your lawyer?

Jury trial, or judge?

[ForeverDad]

... .When we had one child she lost custody to me but like a fool I got fooled into going back... .

If the court or other professionals believe you're likely to "go back" yet again, they may not fight hard for you and the children.  Make sure you make known your decision to end the relationship and that you will not undo any proper orders by "going back" yet again.  When they see you two as revolving door litigants they are less likely to work for your best outcome.

[Matt]

... .When we had one child she lost custody to me but like a fool I got fooled into going back... .

If the court or other professionals believe you're likely to "go back" yet again, they may not fight hard for you and the children.  Make sure you make known your decision to end the relationship and that you will not undo any proper orders by "going back" yet again.  When they see you two as revolving door litigants they are less likely to work for your best outcome.

Good point.

My criminal defense attorney told me to make it clear that the marriage was over, or the judge might not approve dropping my charges.  She said the judge would be glad to know she wouldn't see us again.

Then my family law attorney said the same thing - make it clear that I was committed to ending the marriage and having little or no contact with my wife, so the judge would see me as sensible and able to move on.