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[JustAMum]

My nearly 17 yr old BPD d has cheated on her boyfriend after she had too much to drink. He has just broken up with her. I know this has the potential to trigger a SH episode. How do I validate how she feels but also teach her that this is a consequence of a bad choice. I know the self loathing will kick in.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

This is a tough one. How well practiced are you on the validation tools in general?

I would focus mainly on validation while she's triggered by the break-up (abandonment). The truth can be saved for later, if at all. If she realizes that her bf broke up with her for valid reasons, it's better to have her come to that conclusion, then validate those feelings. Do you think she is self-aware enough to reach that conclusion, or will she stuff those feelings and resort to SH on her own?

[JustAMum]

I'm not sure if I'm well versed enough in validation. She will come to the conclusion that the bf has broken up with her because she did the wrong thing. She makes choices and only after them does she stop to think about the consequences. She's been in therapy for over 2yrs and is seeing her psychologist on Wednesday.

[lbjnltx]

My nearly 17 yr old BPD d has cheated on her boyfriend after she had too much to drink. He has just broken up with her. I know this has the potential to trigger a SH episode. How do I validate how she feels but also teach her that this is a consequence of a bad choice. I know the self loathing will kick in.

The drinking at 17 and over indulgence of it is the bigger problem as I see it.  What might be to a regular teen's right of passage can become an addictive/self medicating behavior for a teen with BPD.

Validating the disappointment in self, validate the fears of losing her boyfriend, and validate the feelings she might have about wanting to relieve herself of the pain. 

Using SET to be supportive, empathize and closely tie this dilemma to the drinking when she is able to hear you may be the best choice going forward.

Will you go in with her at some point Wednesday to talk together with her therapist?

lbj

[JustAMum]

Yes, I go in the last 15mins. She has told me that she had too much to drink and was taken advantage of. She is rattled by the experience. I'm hoping that she has learnt a valuable lesson. Time will tell.