Rethinking our strategy

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello. I've only just joined this group. I've recently discovered that my adult daughter's problems are most likely BPD (rather than the simple anxiety or PTSD which we thought she had) and I'm having to completely rethink how to help her. I had concentrated on trying to provide a safe, quiet and predictable environment where all the anxieties, flashbacks and triggers in her life could be minimised. This worked to an extent and I thought we were definitely on the mend, but over the last two months she's gone down hill badly, despite our best efforts. Now it seems, we have to completely rethink the strategy. I've been recommended to put boundaries in place to try and prevent verbal abuse and to cut down on the things I help her with. But in the past when I've done this, it has backfired spectacularly and some of her most painful memories are connected to times I tried to force her into a position of independence and standing on her own feet. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to introduce these ideas gently and subtly, and how do you know when you need to backtrack a bit and go slower?

[Danae]

Hello. I've only just joined this group. I've recently discovered that my adult daughter's problems are most likely BPD (rather than the simple anxiety or PTSD which we thought she had) and I'm having to completely rethink how to help her. I had concentrated on trying to provide a safe, quiet and predictable environment where all the anxieties, flashbacks and triggers in her life could be minimised. This worked to an extent and I thought we were definitely on the mend, but over the last two months she's gone down hill badly, despite our best efforts. Now it seems, we have to completely rethink the strategy. I've been recommended to put boundaries in place to try and prevent verbal abuse and to cut down on the things I help her with. But in the past when I've done this, it has backfired spectacularly and some of her most painful memories are connected to times I tried to force her into a position of independence and standing on her own feet. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to introduce these ideas gently and subtly, and how do you know when you need to backtrack a bit and go slower?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kelti1972]

Danae:

Hi want to welcome you to the group.  There is so much to learn here and lots of support.  I can relate to your dilemma.  We have worked on that with our adult BPD also.  It has been years of working with trying to get him independent.  This is a hard one.  We finally set a boundary for him to be out of our house by May and all hell broke loose.

Long story short we ended up kicking him out, the most painful and excrutiating experience, but he did end up, with Gods help, getting assessed and with the right therapist and is back home for another year, until he gets the skills of DBT to be out on his own.  I wish you the best and support is here.  It is not easy and takes time.  Kelti

[lbjnltx]

Hello Danae,

I'd like to join kelti in welcoming you to the Parent's Board, we are so glad to have you here.  I'm sorry to learn that your adult daughter may have BPD amongst other diagnoses, this is hard.

Controlling the environment to diminish stressors while our kids learn skills is helpful for them.  Was your daughter participating in therapy to learn coping skills while you did this?  Has something happened to trigger her and cause her to go down hill?

Boundaries around verbal abuse are important, they teach our kids that people have feelings as well as values that they will uphold, that there are consequences in relationships from bad behaviors, and that they also need to put boundaries of self value in place for themselves.  The push back comes initially and the testing of the boundaries takes place.  We, the boundary setters need to remember that this does not mean we are wrong, it just means our children have a difficult time with respecting boundaries.

You are correct that boundaries need to be set gently and firmly, preferably during a time of calm.  When I set boundaries with my daughter I did not use the word "you", I have the same boundaries in place for all people in my life.  I also made it clear that I would defend my boundaries relentlessly because I value myself and my own well being.

Here is some info on Boundaries and Limits that you may find helpful:

Communicating Boundaries and Limits

lbj

[Danae]

Hello Danae,

I'd like to join kelti in welcoming you to the Parent's Board, we are so glad to have you here.  I'm sorry to learn that your adult daughter may have BPD amongst other diagnoses, this is hard.

Controlling the environment to diminish stressors while our kids learn skills is helpful for them.  Was your daughter participating in therapy to learn coping skills while you did this?  Has something happened to trigger her and cause her to go down hill?

Boundaries around verbal abuse are important, they teach our kids that people have feelings as well as values that they will uphold, that there are consequences in relationships from bad behaviors, and that they also need to put boundaries of self value in place for themselves.  The push back comes initially and the testing of the boundaries takes place.  We, the boundary setters need to remember that this does not mean we are wrong, it just means our children have a difficult time with respecting boundaries.

You are correct that boundaries need to be set gently and firmly, preferably during a time of calm.  When I set boundaries with my daughter I did not use the word "you", I have the same boundaries in place for all people in my life.  I also made it clear that I would defend my boundaries relentlessly because I value myself and my own well being.

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Thank you ibj, some of that's really helpful, particularly making sure the other person buys in to the boundaries. I think without that I might as well not even start trying. At present she resents boundaries on the grounds that I cause all the problems (according to her) and it's me who needs boundaries, not her! I think one of my problems is that I've never really had to enforce a boundary for an adult before (usually I've found them cooperative!) and it doesn't come naturally to me at all.

I think its a bit complex to work out why the downturn happened. She had been getting very slowly better in a number of areas, mainly through her own determination, combined with me trying to provide the right environment. The big test came when I went away for two weeks and she decided she was going to try seeing my husband for the first time in about three months. She managed, but got very stressed by all sorts of triggers around him and when I returned she wanted me to sort out the mess. I wasn't well for a couple of weeks so wasn't able to provide the usual support, and then a number of other negative things happened, and the result has been ghastly. It showed not only how fragile the whole thing was but also how dependent it all was on me being able to keep the show on the road, rather than her really getting inner strength for herself. And the more she wants to try and lead a normal life, the shorter and more explosive her fuse becomes and the more perfect she needs the world around her to be. She is in therapy, but I don't think they've got onto coping skills, more dealing with her memories.

[islandguy]

Hello and welcome, I just wanted to say that we have gone through kind of the same thing in trying to address the anxiety and PTSD for quite a while before realizing that there was BPD developing in the background all the time.  Now it's really out there, and we're going to start working with our therapist on some boundary settings (thanks lbj for the link by the way).

This site has really been helpful in offering support, which we all need!

[inkling16]

One thing we were told when our daughter was in RTC, and have found to be true, is that when things get better it is scary, so "better" is likely to be followed by "worse" in some form. We have learned not to make a big deal out of apparent progress (even in our own minds, but especially not out loud).

Along with that, we also try not to catastrophize bad situations (though that is quite difficult sometimes!), in order to keep her feeling that things might be fixable even if she can't see it herself. Our goal is to keep our range of good-to-bad very narrow, to offset her big swings.

[madmom]

Welcome, it sounds like you have suffered a setback, but it sure seems like you have set up a good foundation of skills to communicate with your child.  True, sometimes, when my daughter has taken several steps forward and we started to see success, she has self sabotaged and made sure that we had to start back all over again and I am not sure why.  I have my own theories about that.  I would encourage you to listen with empathy and validation to your child.  Maybe even offer to go to a therapy session(s) with your daughter if that would be helpful.  You and your loved ones need to set the boundaries together in a time of calm.  Best wishes.  Please let us know how things are going for you, I do care.

[meantcorn34]

When responsibility for solving my son's problems falls on me , especially with heaps of verbal abuse, my therapist asks what will happen to my son when I am gone? Will anyone else allow him to treat them that way? What am I teaching him by going along with him? He says it is now my responsibility to teach him to function in the world without depending on me. Giving support, talking with him about problem solving, letting him know he is loved are all ok. But the overall goal is to help him become independent. He resisted kicking and screaming at first, blaming me for everything and his abuse escalated. We had a therapy session together and spouted his vile nonsense to the therapist. Therapist let him know it is not ok to talk to me in an abusive way. My son continued, and to make a long story short, said l he could choose to respect my boundary or live elsewhere. My son threatened suicide and the police were called. The officers saw through him and eventually left. Therapist told me to go home. After I left my son told my therapist that he was just "testing" and we shouldn't have taken him seriously. Son later called me and apologized. When he got home, he laid on the floor outside my room crying saying he wanted his "old mommy back". I ignored him and he stopped. Since that time (about 2 months ago) the abuse has stopped. He slips once in a while, but catches himself.  I'm not sure I would have been able to enforce my boundary quite as well without my therapist, but I learned how powerful it is to do so.