Losing your patience and the revisionist histories

[Zen80]

I have a couple of questions and I'm kind of undecided about them and undecided about the relationship in general.

I've been married to my uBPDw for 11 years now, so I  have all the stories (and scars) and experiences you usually get with this stuff. We have 2 kids, 10 and 8 which are basically the reason we are still together. Earlier this year I had just about decided to move out after the worst Christmas ever but then things seemed to improve and pull back from the precipice again. They are very up and down though - one minute things are going really well and we are making plans and communicating, the next it's all over and I am the worst person on earth and everything is toast again.

However I have noticed lately that in the ridiculous rages and arguments that I am the one getting really really annoyed and basically letting go with some frank and forthright comments to my spouse. This never seems to make things better (of course) and what are some relatively frank admissions to a person with normal emotions are pretty brutal to a pwBPD. Stuff like "you need to take responsibility for your own happiness" and "you behaving like a child, it's pathetic" etc. Now I know in my mind that I should try and empathise and resolve these much better but it's like my patience has just run out and I can't help it - every argument is rapidly devolving into "tell it like it is Friday". Is this the sign that the end is really near? When they just fill you with contempt when they start to act out/rage?

Secondly does anyone else get the constant revision of history in the relationship? For example we had an extra long weekend recently and the first half we went away, without the kids, to a really nice weekender and spent the best time we've ever had together. It was intimate, fun, close etc. Both of us really enjoyed it. Back home for two days and now this great time was apparently just awful, she hated it and felt suspicious and uneasy the whole time, I did the wrong thing in a multiple of different situations etc etc. I know she had a great time, but the whole history of that break has now been painted completely black. Is she just to scared to admit it was good? Or was she really having a terrible time and just expertly hiding her true feelings from me? I don't know anymore... .

[zulfiqar]

Im in the same boat and know what you're talking about.

It is normal to get into 'tell it like its Friday' mode, Im there after 10 years. I mean what do you expect of yourself? Patience and understanding has its limits and when you see that nothing works you think ' I will tell her the TRUTH and she will get it and everything is going to be great again. She will not 'get it' and she will not change. Sorry that is my experience. So you are looking at roughly 7-8 more years of the same crap so when your kids move out  you can plan to move out too. Or take the crap even after that. BPD/NPD is not a flu and it is here to stay.

take care my friend and sorry if I ' told it like its Friday'.

[Lucky Jim]

However I have noticed lately that in the ridiculous rages and arguments that I am the one getting really really annoyed and basically letting go with some frank and forthright comments to my spouse.

Hey Zen80, Sure, I reached that point, too, in my marriage.   Telling it "like it is" and "calling a spade a spade", however, wasn't particularly helpful but I felt better!  In a way, I was just lowering my standards for acceptable behavior by shooting from the hip and going down to her level, which is not my usual style.  You could say that I caught a case of fleas!   

After that phase, I practiced detachment . . .

LuckyJim