really?

[Pacify]

   Things are moving fast, actually this has been a long time in the making.  She has been living in fiction for a while now telling me how I am condescending and blaming me for everything.

    Its my fault she goes into rages and im the reason she always feels sick.  She is cold, distant and angry. She will blow up at the drop of a hat,  twists any emotion I have into an attack on her! Claims she is walking on eggshells!  (might she know she is projecting).

     We worked together to purchase a car and with that car she moved out.  I also had plans but she then accuses me of blaming everyone else for my problems.  Ive never met anyone so selfish in my life, ive done nothing but help this girl and now im left high and dry.  Never once has she given me moral support and if I try to get it somehow its an attack on her. 

     I know its never going to work out between us, she cant or wont give the intimacy required in a relationship but why is her view of me as an enemy, she must know this is not who I am.

[zipline]

 Its my fault she goes into rages and im the reason she always feels sick.  She is cold, distant and angry. She will blow up at the drop of a hat,  twists any emotion I have into an attack on her! Claims she is walking on eggshells!  (might she know she is projecting).

This was my situation almost exactly. I felt like I was going crazy. There were times where I'd be standing still temperamentally and emotionally and she'd be swinging from side to side. Times where I'd express the smallest emotion only to have her explode in my face. It was unreal to watch it unfold. And to think I though that I was 1) the problem or 2) I could fix anything. It's just now starting to sink in that this isn't about me at all. 

I know its never going to work out between us, she cant or wont give the intimacy required in a relationship but why is her view of me as an enemy, she must know this is not who I am.

My ex doesn't. I was and am the enemy. I was the cause of her pain and problems, and in her world she's right because I was the one she "loved" and was close to her. Every time I told her that I loved her, she probably thought I was lying because in her f'ed up mind I was always deceiving her or about to abandon her.

I've been think about this all day in reference to this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278558.msg12635878#msg12635878

I'm sad that the person I thought was real and genuine, who I cared deeply about, is actually hardwired to self-destruct. My ex doesn't have the disorder, she is the disorder. It's a total bummer. But for me to move on and get through this intense pain, I have stopped seeing her as someone with some issues that can be worked through and see her for the disordered person she really is. 

When I told one of my best friends that she ended our relationship, he said "that's great. I'm happy to hear that." Everyone could see it but me. 

[PetitFrite]

      Its my fault she goes into rages and im the reason she always feels sick.  She is cold, distant and angry. She will blow up at the drop of a hat,  twists any emotion I have into an attack on her! Claims she is walking on eggshells!  (might she know she is projecting).

Funny, after tiptoeing around his temper for four years, my now ex told me he was "tired of walking on eggshells" around me shortly before he left.     

[FannyB]

It's just now starting to sink in that this isn't about me at all. 

When I told one of my best friends that she ended our relationship, he said "that's great. I'm happy to hear that." Everyone could see it but me.

Hi Zipline

Do you think your quotes contradict each other somewhat? What did your friends discern that you didn't?

Fanny

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for the rages and accusations that you have experienced. I heard the "walking on eggshells" line from my ex uBPDgf, too. However, by then I had learned quite a bit about BPD by then and was able to respond with SET rather than defending, arguing, etc.

This article provides some insight on the "reality" of a relationship for a pwBPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

What seem like outrageous unfounded accusations and/or projections to an SO can be the "reality" of the situation to a pwBPD.  Paranoia ideation is a symptom of the disorder.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

[valet]

What seem like outrageous unfounded accusations and/or projections to an SO can be the "reality" of the situation to a pwBPD.  Paranoia ideation is a symptom of the disorder.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Hey Mike-X, is it possible for a an ex partner of a pwBPD to acquire paranoia ideation from the relationship, at least for a brief amount of time?

[zipline]

Do you think your quotes contradict each other somewhat? What did your friends discern that you didn't?

Hi Fanny. No, I don't. While we were together, I believed that "our" troubles were based on misunderstandings, a language barrier, me not trying hard enough, or me being inconsiderate and not putting her and her feelings first (something she told me over and over). My friends and family (that's what I meant by "everyone" believed that healthy, caring people just don't behave the way she was behaving and that she was abusive. I was sucked in and in the middle of it. My friend's reaction was a surprise to me -- he literally breathed a sigh of relief. As outsiders they had an objectivity that I didn't, but am now gaining.

I was so caught up in trying to stabilize so we could get to a point where we could maybe talk constructively about what was going on.  I can give example after example of rages I endured over things so trivial or vague I was lost as to what I needed to apologize for just to make it stop. But the answer lies within her, not me.

I hope that clarifies.

[zipline]

This article provides some insight on the "reality" of a relationship for a pwBPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

This is heartbreaking.   :'(

[FannyB]

As outsiders they had an objectivity that I didn't, but am now gaining.

That's fine then - it is difficult to see when we're in the 'FOG'.  I don't think you can have a happy relationship with an undiagnosed pwBPD - but we do need to consider whether we stayed too long and why.

Fanny

[Mike-X]

What seem like outrageous unfounded accusations and/or projections to an SO can be the "reality" of the situation to a pwBPD.  Paranoia ideation is a symptom of the disorder.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Hey Mike-X, is it possible for a an ex partner of a pwBPD to acquire paranoia ideation from the relationship, at least for a brief amount of time?

Paranoia is thought to be an ordinary psychological process occurring in healthy "normal" people (Freeman et al., 2005), and paranoia has been linked to low, unstable or vulnerable self-esteem and attachment (Pickering, Simpson, & Bentall, 2008). So yes, situations with partners, particularly those involving threats to self-esteem, can trigger paranoid thoughts of varying degrees.


Freeman, D., Garety, P.A., Bebbington, P.E., Smith, B., Rollinson, R., Fowler,D., Kuipers,E., Ray,K., & Dunn,G.(2005). Psychological investigation of the structure of paranoia in a non-clinical population. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 186, 427–435.

Pickering, L., Simpson, J., & Bentall, R.P. (2008). Insecure attachment predicts proneness to paranoia but not hallucinations. Personality and Individual Differences, 44, 1212–1224.

[Pacify]

our last argument I accused x of cheating on me in a roundabout way, but i attributed that to her lack of  positive feelings and little desire to be around me. 

good to know its just paranoid ideation caused from insecurities!