I am concerned for her life

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Wow what a mess. On the subject of the kids, they are not yours so don't expect them to ever thank you. You think you are being a hero but you are simply a fool. They will probably blame their mothers's predicament on you. 

Think about stepping out of the picture and look at what's going on here. You make excuses for her. Sure, she had a bad month with family dying, friend disappearing etc etc but I would think that she would accept any support you offered and not use that as an excuse that you don't support her enough.

You see, they can drain the blood from your veins and it still isn't enough. You need to decide when she has exceeded your limits and by my reading, that should have been a long time ago.

Run as fast as you can. Abandon her. And do it soon. Good luck in freeing yourself from a problem that is not even yours. What take a bullet for her? You must know she would never do the same for you.

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow what a mess. On the subject of the kids, they are not yours so don't expect them to ever thank you. You think you are being a hero but you are simply a fool. They will probably blame their mothers's predicament on you. 

Think about stepping out of the picture and look at what's going on here. You make excuses for her. Sure, she had a bad month with family dying, friend disappearing etc etc but I would think that she would accept any support you offered and not use that as an excuse that you don't support her enough.

You see, they can drain the blood from your veins and it still isn't enough. You need to decide when she has exceeded your limits and by my reading, that should have been a long time ago.

Run as fast as you can. Abandon her. And do it soon. Good luck in freeing yourself from a problem that is not even yours. What take a bullet for her? You must know she would never do the same for you.

[hurthusband]

I feel incredibly guilty at this point right now... .

I was invited back home Monday evening and everything went well until 3 am Thursday morning when she got up, started on my mom again and kicked me out.  Friday evening she said she thought about what she did and was wrong.  She was leaving town with the kids and her sister for sons bday and that I was welcome back in the home which I did.

While gone she never talked or anything to me but would text an occasional picture, so Saturday I texted that I was a bit confused as to where we stand.  If we were not together and she was upset, that I understood and that is fair.  If we are, I am confused because she was not responding to me and was acting different and pretty cold.  I just wanted some clarification.  She expressed how she did not know what we were, which I said I can understand, but then went into how I need to change, and I need a new doctor because mine is not helping.  She said she needs help too, but primarily on me.  I just listened and went to sleep.  

One of the things I had been trying to talk to her about was her wheel on her car.  She had smashed a curb and the wheel on her car was bent and literally cracked.  I am in the car business and said I could take it in to get fixed.  She of course kicked me out the day she was leaving so I did not get a chance.  That afteroon, I told her I could bring it the next day but I doubt they would have it done by monday or I could bring it to work monday and the wheel repair shop would pick it up from my business.  She stated either way worked and she would be happy to help me if need be.  Saturday, I asked again to make sure as I know how this all goes down and it usually ends poorly and no response.

So Sunday she is on her way back and I am about to go out and take the wheel off her car and load into my truck for next day.  She then starts a text thing over an hour on the whole wheel thing, how she does not understand why we are not just taking it to Lexus.  I explain Lexus cannot repair wheels and just sends them off then doubling the markup to make some profit for themselves.  She then says why cant discount tire get a new wheel for us which I state it is an OEM wheel so they cannot and even used the wheels are about $300 when we can have repaired for about $125 and within 24 hours most of the time.  She keeps on how she does not understand how this is so difficult and she does not want her car on a jack in the driveway.  How I am not making sense.  I keep trying to explain and after an hour I get frustrated.  I literally beg her to just do it however she wants so I am not in this situatin and in trouble.  She says no and keeps on so i start to cry and she says her sister hears and thinks I am ridiculous etc... . 

I just say I cannot do all of this again and I am going to leave teh house, she asks me to stay to help with bags.  I have her flowers and a bottle of wine for her when she comes back.  Well, mistake because she starts into a 6 pack and is upset the neighbors did not wait to go on a trip til the next weekend without inviting her then gets mad at me over all the changes I need to make.  I am booted from house.

Yesterday no response... .the first is the busiest time for my rental home business so I am furious at work trying to get in government checks into accounts.  The whole DWI thing is still messed up so I get a call that I can meet with a lawyer on it but I gotta leave work early.  I do it.  I handle it and my wife will not respond to anything I tell her til 1 am as I am sleeping in my car again.  Rips me a new one.  

This morning she calls me and I am slammed from yesterdays missed work and everything else.  She then asks me to go to breakfast.  I ask her how she wants to go to breakfast after all she has said and done the past few days.  I say I am slammed with work from previous day taking off early.  I cannot.  She gets furious and lays into me.  How I am a murderer (reference to an abortion she had 2 years ago which I said I support any choice, but it might not be best time, but we can certainly make it work), and I am a bad husband, how she told kids we were divorcing and they did not care... . That hurt me to hear that.  I should have been there with her to explain to kids cause I do worry that if they did care they would think I just left and wasnt there to re-assure them I loved them and would be there... .

I say I cannot handle this, that she is askign me to jump when she says jump and stay away when she says not to.  That I am going to lose my job which she says does not matter anyways.  It is our only income btw.  She calls me another 50 times in next 2 hours.  I ignore 90%.  I cry and say if she had just been empathetic on the call.  Maybe I was scared to just say flat out no and instead went into how I had all this going on because I was scared if I just said I cannot she would respond that I do not care about saving this marriage... .but I do not know if anything can.  I know that office was double staffed today if need be just so I can have privacy to all this done.  I said if she had apologized for last night and said we have things to work on, and would like to have breakfast, but if I could not she understands... .I would have felt comfortable and loving and I would figure on lunch or something... .

I am just so scared to communicate with her better on top of her poor communication.  I stated that she wants me to be her father, but with more income.  That I am not the same as her father though.  She took that as me insulting her dead father and said she told her sister and I was evil.  I stated I never meant it as an insult, I loved her father, but I am not him.  He had great attributes I wish I had, but I think I have good attributes too hopefully.  

I feel horrible.  Maybe I should have just said I would go to breakfast.  Maybe things this time would go better... .

now she is saying she is going to die because what I said and the police will notify me.  This is hell.  She is trying to lay the guilt for everything on me, and its the thing I have the most problems with... .I would literally rather be dead.  Although, my mother has flat out said if I kill myself over my wife, she will kill my wife.  Yea, my mom is whacko too.  My wife already knew this.  I made mistake of saying "I do not have the option of killing myself.  If i do, you would need to call police about my mother"  she had already said if i killed myself my mom would kill her.  She said that because my wife and mother are similiar in many ways. 

I am terrified of her at any point killing herself and I have contacted people who tell me not much can be done at this point.  I can keep jumping through hoops and wishing i was dead in order to prolong her from doing harm, but being miserable, or I can leave... .and have the guilt of it all.

I never imagined a life like this was possible.  I always thought somebody you could not be with was because you stopped loving them.  I always thought if somebody did the things she has done, I would stop loving them.  I would have thought if I am what she says I am she would stop loving me.

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband:

Sounds to me like your story keeps on repeating itself like a broken record. The same in-out, push-pull.

What are you going to do about your suffering ?

[hurthusband]

Last night she makes self harm veiled threat.  I contact her sister and we both head out there.  She then says if i show up she will call police, and her sister assures me she is okay.  I contact two crisis hotlines for advice.  I stay away.  Then 30 minutes later she calls pissed i did not show.  I head there and she says he is calling cops so I leave.  

I pretty much stop communicating with her as I am gone.  I get texts telling me I am the worst aspects of both my parents and if she was me she would kill herself.  How I am the worst person ever and when she is dead I can feel guilty for it all being my fault.  How she is vomitting blood and teeth breaking off... .

At work this morning, she starts calling again and I refuse calls. She says its about attorney.  I tell her she can contact the attorney her self.  It is for her.  She goes into texts how I can do this to her and leave her like this.  I point out that she asked me to not be around and the things she said.  

She says I better come home now and that she is dead.  I tell her that the last time she said that, she threatened me with cops and if she is going to cause self harm she should call her sister or 911.  Now she is pelting me with I asked for help and you denied me... .I must not care

I do not know if i am putting up a boundary and this is extinction burst or if i truly did just deny her in a moment of need... .

this feels like on the one hand I am devastated and hurt for her, but i am having to be cold and ruthless at same time to her to save myself. 

[momtara]

I'm proud of you for putting up boundaries. You'll notice that she didn't do anything that she threatened. It seems like, by putting the burden on her and not accepting the blame, and keeping your responses to minimum (compassionate but firm), you prevented things from getting worse.

IN previous posts, you got sucked in and then she was able to find something to blame you for or make you regret. For instance, she drives you crazy at work (50 calls), makes you late, renders you an emotional mess, then tells you to take off work to have breakfast with her. Then you don't, and you worry you should have - but the breakfast might have been an even worse disaster.

Keep up the boundaries.

You REALLY NEED TO RECORD THOSE SUICIDE THREATS. They may help you in so many ways: Getting her hospitalized, helping a judge (if necessary) see that the kids need you or someone responsible in their lives forever, protecting you from false claims, etc. Document everything.

Also, don't believe her lies about what she tells you the kids said. You can talk to them about it another time. What a hurtful thing for her to say to you.

You know, my mom is 70 and an emotional mess and isn't taking her meds. Two weeks ago I called the local crisis hotline. They checked on her, said she was in bad shape, and forced her into a mental health program - and she is NO WHERE NEAR as bad as your wife. She is not suicidal and not harmful to others. Simply wasn't taking medicine and looked a little messy.  If only she does something that proves she needs to get into treatment and stay there a while, it will work wonders. So please keep documenting.

As for the issue of her suicide threats - that's a hard one. The wisdom on this board is to take them seriously, because you never know. But she is using them for emotional blackmail. I think you should document them and then if necessary, call authorities and play the tape. Or call a hospital. Or keep doing what you're doing. Don't let it be a tool for her to use to scare you though.

[momtara]

And if you really do fear for her life - and with good reason - then yes, call 911. Tape all this stuff so you don't lose the chance to get her the help she needs.

And if it comes to it, judges take suicide threats seriously regarding children.

[hurthusband]

well... .update... .

She is in a mental health facility for 7 to 10 days... .oddly enough in good spirits about it too

[Panda39]

well... .update... .

She is in a mental health facility for 7 to 10 days... .oddly enough in good spirits about it too

This is good news for both of you. What are your plans for yourself while she is there?

[momtara]

GOOD FOR YOU! What did you do? Glad you finally got her in! Give yourself a pat on the back. Do you realize how much better you and the kids will feel knowing she's in a safe place? And she can't harass or hurt herself OR you or the kids!

7 to 10 days - what's up with that? My mom is bipolar and they just had her in a place 7 to 10 days too and released her. Unfortunately she just went back to her old ways. Hurthusband, you finally have a chance you've been waiting for for years - to get her the |RIGHT treatment and ot waver. She may easily get back out and slip. Tell them all crucial details. Talk to anyone there who will listen. Don't feel bad and leave stuff out. She seems worse than BPD, she is self harming and could harm the kids. She may need to be in there longer unless there's a way to assure she will keep up with treatment once she is out - regularly, honestly, repeatedly.

Congratulations, You will all finally get help and a chance to live functionally!

[hurthusband]

It was her decision.  Basically, she cut me completely out of her decision patterns and just her and her sister.  Once it was time to go in though, she was kind and thoughtful and caring about it and past 24 hours kind to me while she has been in there. 

They already reduced her ADD meds and wanted to eliminate them, they also reduced her benzo's and xanax, and put her on an antidepressant.  All these things I have been screaming about since before all this even happened.  It angers me at her psychiatrist who would perscribe her all of those and not an antidepressant.

While she is in, I have to really just take care of kids and figure out a way on taxes.  Naturally, the facility is out of network and required payment upfront so between that and taxes in a week... .its bit of work and have kids just got out of work.  Also they have family classes to that I want to go to

[momtara]

out of network? this will cost you thousands per day.

she needs things a lot stronger than an antidepressant.

she knows that she needs help, obviously. i really hope this is a chance for you to show tough love and really get her on the right drugs with FREQUENT followup. with someone in network so you can all afford it. this isn't a fancy vacation for her on your dime.

[hurthusband]

out of network? this will cost you thousands per day.

she needs things a lot stronger than an antidepressant.

she knows that she needs help, obviously. i really hope this is a chance for you to show tough love and really get her on the right drugs with FREQUENT followup. with someone in network so you can all afford it. this isn't a fancy vacation for her on your dime.

the problem is that in our area there are only 2 in network places.  One she has been to twice and did nothing.  The other is so bad that even the people who work there do not send their own family there despite working there (I do alot of business with them).  My wife was in their system at one time too and it was horrible. 

so this was only other route and what my doctor also said was pretty much the only option.  I have the best plan available for somebody self employed so for 8 days it was $3k for me and after I hit 4K I have hit my max out of pocket expense so it is not that bad.  After this she has a 6 week period of every day 8 am to 2 pm in patient sessions there.

As far as an anti-depressant, she obviously is getting therapy, but I am thankful for the changes they did make in her meds since her psychiatrist I think had it all wrong

They lowered teh stimulants she is on, they took away benzo's that her doc had her on.  Her doc had her on 5 benzos a day with 2 stimulants. They changed her sleeping meds, they gave her an anti-depressant which her other doc kept refusing to give her... .

I always felt that the meds her psychiatrist was giving her was exacerbating the problems waaay more

[momtara]

OK, so they aren't going to just kick her out and she is going to be in a day program? GOOD. Do you feel better? Isn't it a big relief?

[hurthusband]

OK, so they aren't going to just kick her out and she is going to be in a day program? GOOD. Do you feel better? Isn't it a big relief?

It is odd.  The fear is gone, but it is I suppose like being in a war.  You are fighting for survival and are scared.  The war ends with a treaty.  You are still a bit hesitant and fearful that the treaty will hold, but now you are also surveying the damage done all around you and the massive casualties and destruction with the gigantic task of rebuilding. 

It has not helped since she was gone I had somebody who owes me $15k tell me to sue them for it and my A/C screwed up and destroying walls and ceilings with water.  Trying to run a family solo and work and drive 2 hours a day to visit your wife or transport kids to see her at the hospital is not easy neither.

I do not know that it is a relief because while I am not curled into a ball protecting myself from her and trying to protect her... .I am having to get back to a neglected self that has its own issues

I suppose it is ungrateful to say that... .but just worn out

[momtara]

You have been through a lot, HH. I hope during this time, you can take an hour to yourself. Get a massage, see a movie, have lunch with a friend, or even clean up or fix something you haven't gotten the chance to. This is the first time in a long time when you  won't have to fear her trying to kill herself. Not to mention harassing you at work etc .

Of course, you are right - so much else going on that you're probably going through PTSD... .but the fact that you did all you have done is a miracle. And the fact that she is getting any help is a miracle too. Most people could not have survived so much and come this far and still be married to her and in one piece.

You are wonderful. No, this is no cure, but it's a big change and you should be proud of yourself. You may not give yourself credit, but you deserve it. You have done so much for her and the kids. Go you!

[hurthusband]

You have been through a lot, HH. I hope during this time, you can take an hour to yourself. Get a massage, see a movie, have lunch with a friend, or even clean up or fix something you haven't gotten the chance to. This is the first time in a long time when you  won't have to fear her trying to kill herself. Not to mention harassing you at work etc .

Of course, you are right - so much else going on that you're probably going through PTSD... .but the fact that you did all you have done is a miracle. And the fact that she is getting any help is a miracle too. Most people could not have survived so much and come this far and still be married to her and in one piece.

You are wonderful. No, this is no cure, but it's a big change and you should be proud of yourself. You may not give yourself credit, but you deserve it. You have done so much for her and the kids. Go you!

well... .they said she was stable and released her. she seems better and is going to be going to intensive outpatient care 5 days a week so ... .

[hurthusband]

so wife got back Tuesday and Tuesday through Friday went quite well.  Few hiccups here and there, but overall quite well.

On Saturday though she did not have her day therapy and slept all day.  I laid with her and tried to be supportive.  The next day, same sort of thing, but she was more depressed.  She got a bit upset that she could not get wine for a chicken recipe she was preparing for lunch because in Texas you cannot buy wine before noon.  She also overracted over some valve stem covers cause tire place lost the ones she had and got mad at me.  She was yelling at kids and things were not so good, but she would say she still loved me and while things were scary she did not completely explode.  She kept telling me to do my own thing, but to be honest, I was depressed too.  She was on the edge and I was scared to do anything that might end up sending her over the edge and she was already getting upset with kids and angry neighbor did not call her to do something after her kids bday party.  Not really fair nor rational. 

We went downstairs and I ate with her.  We went upstairs and she was looking for a sleeping aid that the hospital took her off.  She had asked me to pick it up while she was in hospital, but honestly between shuttling everyone to and fro for her and driving a couple hours a day to see her on top of managing a house and fixing the A/C and getting tires and other things with her car, and contacting her attorney to handle things... it just slipped my mind.  She had been home a few days and could have picked it up herself, and she was supposed to fill meds from hospital anyways. 

In any case, she started getting angry and even though I apologized she would not let up on it.  Kept harping on it.  Kept saying I do not care... etc.  I was just crumbling.  The stress of trying to be supportive after all the negativity from her and trying to prop her up was just too much for her then to attack me... she says she was not, but she was not letting up.  I mumbled to myself that "things are back to how they were".  She heard it and took it to mean that all her work was for naught and that it was a waste of time.  I apologized and said it was a horrible thing to say and that she had done so much better, but I lost it and it was not fair for me to say that.  I had constantly over the previous few days said she was doing so well and proud of her for her work but that statement negated everything.  She was ready to break and she kicked me from home

I am terrified I unraveled everything and she is going to be a mess because I made that statement.  Honestly, I cannot tip toe around for days on end then get assaulted.  Maybe a few years ago, but I just do not have the strength now and she needs me to.

I am doing harm.  Yes, she was havinga  hiccup but I ruined and made things so much worse.  What have i done?

[hurthusband]

Man I feel sick.  Alone.  I don't want somebody else's life in my hands.  I don't want the guilt.  Now that she been in inpatient she can say she tried and I'm problem

[Turkish]

Man I feel sick.  Alone.  I don't want somebody else's life in my hands.  I don't want the guilt.  Now that she been in inpatient she can say she tried and I'm problem

hh,

This is more of the same FOG from her no? Disordered, mentally I'll or not, you're doing your best to stand by her. It's her choice to treat you that way and to say those things. As for the comment in your previous post: you're human, and have been the target of much abuse while working to keep your family together. Can you forgive yourself a normal, natural, human lapse?

[hurthusband]

Man I feel sick.  Alone.  I don't want somebody else's life in my hands.  I don't want the guilt.  Now that she been in inpatient she can say she tried and I'm problem

hh,

This is more of the same FOG from her no? Disordered, mentally I'll or not, you're doing your best to stand by her. It's her choice to treat you that way and to say those things. As for the comment in your previous post: you're human, and have been the target of much abuse while working to keep your family together. Can you forgive yourself a normal, natural, human lapse?

The hard part is that it is a normal human lapse, but the reprecussions with a BPD are severe... .she brings up how a weaker person would kill themselves after that comment from me.  Its hard to forgive lapses when the consequences can be so dire

[momtara]

Oh come on. Your comment would make someone kill herself? PLEASE. You do know this is a big pattern, right? She drives you to the edge, you take on more than is humanly possible, and then if you don't say the exact right thing, she seizes on one little statement (which wasn't that bad) and uses that to blame you. It's as if you can't really talk or say ANYTHING.

How often and for how long is she in the program? It seems like things go well on days when she is in it. If she's not, she gets depressed and her mind is occupied with anxiety and hurting you.

Are you able to share what happened with her therapists?

Most of what you said seemed like a big improvement, so try not to worry about what you said. You have been through this lots of times and it has always worked out. You need to try not to take her bait and stop apologizing, defending yourself, and come up with a catchall phrase - maybe something neutral like "I really wish we could have a nice night." Then she'll have nothing to use to torment you.

This is a blip.

The thing that has changed is that you aren't allowing yourself to be abused as much and that is GOOD. So good, she kicked you out - do something for yourself and try to relax. Ultimately, if she doesn't get better, you will have to keep setting boundaries. If, in the end, it doesn't work, you can say YOU tried - not her. She hasn't given this enough of a chance.

I also think this day program and stuff is good for you ultimately if you divorce. You can try to show how the kids need a stable person in their lives and have no other family. Courts allow people to adopt foster kids, so why wouldn't they say you should have a bit of custody over these kids so they can have stability with the person they've known as dad all their lives? I think this is all a step forward, even if you are miserable at this moment.

You are doing the best you can, and don't let her tell you otherwise.

[sugargirl1111]

I am really overwhelmed by this post. I wonder from where you take the strength to endure all of this, especially her pull/push behaviour, constant devaluations, her not contributing to the r/s in any way... .and on top of that you blame YOURSELF for it!

To me this sounds like a co-dependant r/s.

Question to you: Is this the way you wanna live... being afraid of what to say and what not, never knowing what will happen the next minute?

I think an unhealthy r/s with a person with a PD will take its toll on your health, physically and mentally.

I once was like you... .finding excuses for my xbf acting out, mood swings, not keeping up a steady job... .but I would not jump to his every wish or allow him kicking me out of my home.

I still think of him every day after months of NC, I miss him (but only his good side) but when I run into him by chance I look the other way. My heart starts to jump

[sugargirl1111]

My post got cut off

Conclusión: My heart is hurting because I cannot be with him, but it was hurting even more when I  was WITH him.

Wishing you all the best.

[Panda39]

hurthusband,

Just a thought... .

Do you read other people's threads?  I don't see you involved in anyone else's discussions only posts on your own threads.  It might help you to get out of your own head a little bit to focus on others, you might learn from what other members are doing to improve their relationships and themselves or see things a different way when you are outside of the relationship and not in it. 

I feel like you are often spinning in a circle maybe jumping into someone else's circle for a little while can help get a new perspective on things.  Take your blinders off (that keep you focused only on your wife) and look around there is a big world out here.

Just an idea.

Panda39

[cosmonaut]

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