So at this current moment I am about 21 days NC the longest stretch I have gone
... .I am having racing thoughts about what it is/what it was... Around the end of April after taking me on various push pull roller coaster rides... She said I do not want anything anymore... I've heard it before but for some reason this time it felt"real" so I went off... Just looking for someone else... This was not planned but long story short I ended up sleeping with another girl I know you're probably thinking "you FD up" but please keep reading... So she had told me ... She wanted nothing from me one would think okay I'm single... Not quite to her I suppose... she acted very passive aggressive towards me for a couple weeks and then she eventually opened up and said "I can't believe you would do this to me... I just can't... I have nothing to say... " she then went on to say " I would never do something like this to you ... because I know what it's like to be "that" person" meaning I guess she didn't mean to push me away? to the point of actually leaving her or she didn't think blocking all communication and being passive aggressive would actually push me away? I have no idea... anyways... so this happened in her previous "r/s" as well, but this is where my memory kicks in
For some reason I remember everything she told me about "how he damaged the r/s but also how he repaired it" such as he would go away for a month and come back and apologize... I wonder if that's just a projection of what she does or if that's actually how it went... .In any case I feel like a coach who has the play book or an actor with a script like this EXACT event happened with her ex bf and how did he repair it well with some "gifts" and all was "forgotten" not for long of course until she met me... .Obviously I didn't mean to hurt her so it pains me a bit as I care about her and I never really knew we "were together" because nothing really is verbalized when she re-engages she just kind of pops back up ... part of me wonders if at this 30ish day mark I should expect or she is expecting some type of reconcile or something... me baring gifts or if she perhaps is back with her older bf or actually wants me out of her life for good... I hate to label people and of course you look at individuals as people and people all have free will to be with whomever they choose of course
I can't stop thinking about what may or may not happen in the next coming weeks as she has kind of conditioned me to think 1) nothing she says really lasts all that long 2)She will always "come back" in a sense almost boomerang like... perhaps I'm reading to deeply into her thoughts and discrediting that perhaps her older bf has much more powerful emotions with her then I and I am just "wishful" thinking or overanalyzing in a sense but at the moment I just can't help it... .Thanks for reading.
