MY OLD POST ( FROM LAST YEAR -2014) NEXT WILL BE MY UPDATED SITUATION

[where_to_go]

.I met a girl (now wife) on FB. I have added her from my friend’s Facebook. We started talking on Facebook in February 2011. Then here and there we continued talking. Once when she was at dentist place, I talked with her and she really liked what I talked. I don’t remember but I think it was the catchy talks. She always talks about spirituality and religion (she is mostly influenced to Islam), but she believes in no religion. Off course I like her a lot and way she talks about everything. We were really discussing nice things in the world.

                                         On 2nd July 2011, she said she is in love with me.  At that time she doesn't know more things about me. How much I earn? How do I live? She knows that I am working as an engineer. Then we started dating often. We started spending as much as time we can manage. In somewhere August end she started ignoring me and in September we talked like twice or thrice and she disappeared. I tried to call her and she said that this not the right time to call. Then once when I was on company project I called again and then she started crying very hard. I was freaked out and it wasn't easy for me to understand what exactly is going on. Everything in my life was falling apart. One day when I was about to sleep, she came on online and told me that she is in problem and I have to accept the things. I listened and she said that actually she cheated me and she is living with a guy right now and he is not treating her well. She took that step for some personal reason and asked me to forgive her. Her reason is genuine and was very true. I liked her honesty and I said sort this out. Then again we become happy couple and then we got engaged. But sometimes she started calling me by names and I told her not to do it, since I don't like it and it is not good that person you love to be treated like this.

                             

                                               Eventually I started applying for the job. But then she said that she can’t handle this anymore and there is no base to our relationship. Then I decided and told her that we need to get marry and she has to come here and stay with me. She said she can’t come there since she has responsibility of a dog. I said okay then what we could do? She agreed to get marry and then she asked me to migrate to US. I said fine. After she came back she wasn't the same person. She was getting angry on small issues and was giving me thread that she will leave me. I was always living in constant fear and she‘s being paranoid a lot. She doesn't want me to have any female friends. In her earlier life she was party person. She has habit of doing LSD, and she was also alcoholic. Even she cut all the connection with her guys’ friend.  She was going out but not often, sometimes once in a week or once in two weeks. I also told her much earlier that I don’t like person to marry who is always partying. She brought a huge change in her but off course she is not happy with the life (I think). I pushing her a lot to become nice person she wanted to, just for our relationship. Here she say she loves me and sometimes she say she doesn't and want her life back. She will go offline for some 4 or 5 hours and then she will come back.

                               

                                 Just before 3 months of marriage she found out that I have hidden the status on Facebook that I am engaged with her. She was very upset about it. I have done it because she was very unstable and uncertain and all the time she is giving me threads after thread that she will leave me. How one can be confident to display a status. After that she found out that I have talked badly about her to my friends. I have accepted it. I have told one of friend that how she reacts and how much paranoid she is. Other friend I talked about sex. I really regret a lot that I have done this major crime. Well I have accepted and till now I am apologizing about the same. 

                                                    She came to my place and we met first time in person. We lived together for a month before getting married. In that period we fought on same issue sometimes. on next day I was late from my work and didn't managed to come to the home on time, she went out without telling anything and I messaged her where is she, she was very very rude. I was panic, after 3 hours she came back and then as I entered the room she punch me so hard on face, my lower lip started bleeding, she punched me twice thrice. Then I manage to calm her down. Once she was calmed I asked that what exactly the issue is, she said since I was late from office she was getting bad thought that I am a bad guy and I am cheating on her ( I swear I never cheated her once). I apologized and I felt very guilty to causing her pain. I thought that any women in the world will react if an individual disrespect her. I thought that I deserve this.   When she go outside she was paranoid again that I am looking at some other girl.  I was really feeling nervous sometimes so I don’t know if I have looked at someone. But honestly what I feel is people were looking at us and if any attractive girl pays any attention then she feels that I looked at her and that’s why she looked at me. Again this becomes topic to carry on fight.  Once she said that she will come to meet me after work and from their we will go for dinner, I said okay. I told her place to meet. She said okay she will come and I asked her that do I need to tell her address, she said no. But I was afraid and gave her address and she was very very annoyed and she said she is leaving, cause I have disrespected her and treated her stupid. I have messaged her address because she was new to the city and country and I don't want that she come in any kind of trouble. After almost 4 hours of fight finally she told me the place she is at and then I went there, she was drinking and she already drunk a lot. After that I told her that I am really not confident to marry her. She started crying and told me, so this is the last time we are hugging each other. I felt so deep love and I said no no we should try and I think we can solve our problems together and will work on them. We managed to get marry. Let me tell this all wedding cost was mine. It was like 25000 dollars. Wedding was simple, but we went to honeymoon in four different countries, stayed at luxuries place. On one or two occasion she  behaved violent again. But I told my self that slowly everything will change.


                                        After she left to US again, she definitely was missing me a lot but at the same time she was very paranoid and she started telling me that I shouldn't wear particular cloths. I should wear only my old outfits and not any other outfits. To see her happy I agreed to the same. But everyday there is something she was unhappy about and I have to tolerate it. Times goes and on. On one occasion, I was tried and I said okay I was looking at a girl, so what now? Then to this she burn our marriage certificate and she went offline for several days telling that she is going back to her ex. I panic a lot and mailed one of my female friend who is Councillor from my papa's ID but couldn't able to reach her. In April she came to know that I have done this and she think that since I secretly emailed my female friend , I am having an affair. I cleared it right there that why and in what condition I did it. She said this is an excuse. I shouldn't react in this way and shouldn't do anything like that. She told her mother and now her mother also thinks that I am cheater. To this her mother suggested her to leave me as soon as possible. To this I explained her that, if I have an affair why I contact my lover using email id, why don't I straight call. And asked her to think that if she go offline ( when she is upset) , how many times I call her. I told her which lover will not have phone number of his/her lover, right? She understood but still she is reacting to it. She made this as an weapon to dominate me.

We were not financially stable till September 2013 because when she went back after marriage she was jobless. So everything was on my shoulders. She got the job in month of March. After that we had lots of debit to handle, I solved her fine which she had before me. But still she was threatening me for the divorce. In October 2013 her dog died and it was very big shock to her. She was totally depressed. Then she started drinking a lot. A lot means a lot. Afterwards I called her to my place for 10 days and we went to Bali. It was really nice and she was very happy.  But in Bali also she spend a ridiculous amount on shopping, even though she knows that we need money to handle many things and I have responsibilities of my parents.

                           

                               After she went back she changed a lot and she doesn't like me as much as she used to like me. Then in December she told me that she wants to have an affair, this is only way left to save our marriage. I was completely devastated. I was trying to convince her that this is not right way to solve the problem and we should work  on our relationship. But she being very rude told me no, since she had already gave me lot of change to improve and she don't want to sit and try it. I stayed quite and left everything on god. Times went but now things weren't same as earlier. NI know at this point she is not doing anything wrong. But still I am very very concerned that she shouldn't do anything wrong since I never done wrong with her. One day again she started asking me for divorce. I was already tired from all drama. So I messaged her okay I am ready and I also called some lawyers. Then she said she don't wand divorce and she will work on our relationship. I said okay fine. ow whenever i say something she get agitated about it and choose to go offline. We stopped talking much. I started keeping myself busy in work so that I shouldn't bother her and she enjoy her space. 


                               We got approval on my US visa we applied but she doesn't seem to be happy about it too.  I just left with few months to go but she started behaving completely different. She rarely message me for what she is doing and where she is. She completely ignores my message, text & call. She will reply any message in 48 hours and that too that she is going back to home from work and will not tell me where she was and what she did. Sometimes she apologies and sometimes she just show that she is upset a lot about my behavior and doesn't want me to react on what she is doing. And she also asked me to tolerate everything with smile because I am the responsible for all this. I am completely divested. Also from beginning till now I have spend like 60,000 dollars. I have left with very little savings. I don't know what to do. She goes out for drinking and spent her all pay checks on drink, whenever she get time from job. Hardly i have hold on her. I have to wait for days, sometimes weeks to talk if I wanted to tell her something. I have saw her twice or thrice on webcam in last 4 months. She just stay online nothing else she will say in whole day.

                                                         Whenever I tried to ask her to change the things and lets start working together, she says, I am responsible for all this, I shouldn't have talked badly about her to my friends, I shouldn't have lied about anything, I shouldn't have messaged that women secretly. I accept my mistakes but I really done all this to just save my marriage. I know I have been terrible to talk to my friend badly about her. I really regret it. But if she wants that our marriage should work, how will it work, when there is absolutely no communication or understanding of forgiveness. Many times I have forgiven her for her horrible mistakes.  Recently I was very tired and stressed I have been to Marriage Councillor and she said your wife is affected with Borderline Personality Disorder. Nothing going to work. I really really love my wife a lot and I don't want to loose her. WOW, I don't' know what to do? 

Please suggest me so that I we can be happy. I will do whatever is needed. I don't want divorce and I don't want to live without her.

[where_to_go]

I have made the above post one year ago. I was in ongoing relationship since than with my BPD wife. We vaguely had any communication last year. When I message her she barely replied me anything. She was not paying my visa fees and then later she paid fees after I sent her visa fees for 7 times in a row. I got US visa on 26 February. She was very upset for it but she pretended she is happy that I got visa. I did realize how much unhappy was she? Well I had still 3 months to go because I had several projects to complete in Singapore. I have been busy in completing project in Singapore. March was okay and there wasn't any problem at all. We started talking regularly and she started calling me on video. She started communicating with me. I was very happy though wow relationship doesn't have any problem now. In back of my mind I always had question that wrong happened and my wife had some relationship, I thought when I go I will ask her personally because you can't deal if something happened like this in long distance relationship. I told her we will go to a trip and she started looking for places to go for a trip. She choose Coronado Island which would have cost 3500 usd but I argued and said this not what I want to spent because I left with last 18000 USD, in three years of savings after marrying her. I have not done any investment in 3 years. She started fighting over trip but I kept my mouth shut as always and ignored her for 15 days when she asked me again I told her look we can go for nice trip within 1500 USD and that's what I will give and she agreed to it finally but wasn't happy about it. Time went and time came close. She started picking other fight telling me that we will not workout and our marriage is already fallen apart. I said what are you talking about? she wants me to apologies for everything ( according to her I have done all wrongs and she have done nothing). I agreed and accept all the wrongs which I have not done. she said I should not come. I told her it is too late, people are appointed to replace me and it won't change. Time come closer and she become more and more aggressive to push me to point where I shouldn't come. I booked a flight to go India first to see my parents and she said she doesn't want to come because she is afraid of coming to India. But day I was about to catch a cab to go airport to take flight, she started calling me and telling me that I shouldn't come and she do not love me. I said I don't want to hear anything and I will come. I have asked her again as usual that if she has someone else in her life. She said no she do not have anyone ( she lied). I told her see I am going to see my parents after 3 and half year so please let me go and do not make me unhappy. In spite of my request she was making me unhappy every single day when I was with my parents that she doesn't want me to come. She then asked me to send her money for rent and for trip. I have sent her money. She said she wanted to buy I phone 6 plus for me,and took money from my account. When I left my parents house and went to another city to catch flight for Singapore she said again to me I shouldn't come. I asked her again nicely and comforting her if she has someone, she said yes. It was too much for me to handle. I was collapsed and destroyed  from inside. I told her that I will still come and she said that if I come she will call cops on me. We said Goodbye to each other nicely. Same night she called me back and told me she is feeling very bad that she destroyed my life and she wants me to come. I said no I do not wants to come because she will leave me again. She then said sorry that she called me because she still love that guy. But again she messaged me to call her once I am at Singapore. I called her and she asked me to wait till tomorrow. I contacted immigration lawyer to ask that my wife is giving me divorce and shall I still come to US and stay they said yes because I am holding IR-1 visa. On next day she asked me what is my decision and I said I don't know she is the one who has to decide. She took decision and told me that she is leaving me. I asked her to give me back my money of trip, she said she will soon. She said that her boyfriend going to move with her soon. it was heart wrecking to me. I postponed a trip to US and went on 22nd May 2015. Her parents came to pick me up all the way from Arizona to Houston. They helped me in finding place and on 3rd of arrival I moved but many things happened in these 3 days. I went to door of my wife and knocked a door. She came out and was shocked after seeing me. She took me to road and told me that guy is inside and why I just shown up. She again tried to make me stupid and told me that she and this guy are breaking up and she will meet me for lunch on Monday on 25th May 2015.  She came to meet me and handed me divorce paper and rings (I asked her to give me back rings). I was collapsed and devastated from inside. I was feeling like my heart come out and fell down. I was so much in pain. I asked her to give me hug and she left.

She went to Florida with this guy for a trip ( I paid money for). She gave my phone which she bought for me to this guy. I started investigating and found this guy is Indian too. I tried to find his family information and called his father that your son had ruined my marriage. He is on student visa. Also, my wife later told me that, he and my wife broke into fight for some argument and he punched her in stomach. My wife messaged me two days ago that she is filing for a divorce tomorrow. I said okay. She then started fight that why did I contacted his father and I said his father should know that instead of studying his son is capable of ruining my marriage. She blaming me now that he wants to come back but his father will disown him if he come to stay with her in Houston. I talked to my wife for 7 hours yesterday. She also told me that this guy came to Houston in December to stay with her for a month and I don't know that. She is blaming me that this guy is afraid now to come back because of me because he thinks that you can harm him and I have lot of information against me. I told my wife that your own Mother told you that she will disown you if you going to be with this guy, and you know very well my family or I will not accept you if you go with this guy, he must not leave you considering that you have done lot of sacrifices for him. He is failed in proving right person for you. I also told her that even though she punched me on face multiple times, I never left. This guy is not responsible.

She is going to file for divorce on Monday. I love her a lot, I know it will be very wrong if I accept her. Her family wants me to accept her, but still she loves that guy. She made clear that she hates me and she doesn't love me anymore. My family will not talk to me at all if I accept her. My friends will be very angry if I accept her. I don't know what to do. I know it is good for everyone attached to me to let her go. Please give me advice.

[sugargirl1111]

How can you allow her to abuse you emotionally, physically, financially?

How can you love someone like that? She does not deserve you.

[where_to_go]

How can you allow her to abuse you emotionally, physically, financially?

How can you love someone like that? She does not deserve you.

I do understand what you just explained me. I can't stop having feelings for her. Can I explain you that how do I feel. Sometimes I feel a lot of anger towards her, but as soon as she drops me message that "I ruined her life". I know I didn't but somehow I feels that how do I explain her I love her so much I didn't I feel her pain I wanted to be strong and I wanted to be rude to her ( as everyone tells me around me that I need to be a man). But I just can't do it. I can't make her my enemy. I know I sounds like a lot stupid. My family and my friends and people who knows me in person and my this problem are lot more angrier than I am. If they see her they might beat her. I don't want to see her going with someone else and she loving someone else. She always stays in my heart. She ruined a lot. I know that, I have parents to whom I must be responsible. I hope I can sort out my feelings and let her go on her own way.