Why so many "what's wrong?" inquiries

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When I was seeing my exBPDgf, I noticed two consistent questions/statements from her that I wanted to get your opinion on. Specifically if this is typical BPD or PD thinking/behavior.

1.) A lot of "what's wrong?" inquiries when indeed there was nothing wrong or any signals from to the contrary.

2.) A lot of use of the phrase "I trust you".

Just curious. Could be nothing or me just over-thinking things.

[WhatJustHappened?]

When I was seeing my exBPDgf, I noticed two consistent questions/statements from her that I wanted to get your opinion on. Specifically if this is typical BPD or PD thinking/behavior.

1.) A lot of "what's wrong?" inquiries when indeed there was nothing wrong or any signals from to the contrary.

2.) A lot of use of the phrase "I trust you".

Just curious. Could be nothing or me just over-thinking things.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Nothing huh? Oh well... .

[Hawk Ridge]

My expwbPD asked what was wrong a lot. She was a high functioning introvert who excelled in punishing with the silent treatment, very hard for me to take as an extrovert.  Additionally, I have a lot of years of recovery in so I have a firm belief you discuss what is going on rather than letting it fester.  Obviously, I was unaware she was BPD at the time as I would try to query what was happening during the silent treatments.  You would think I stole candy from a 3 year old with the hateful and juvenile reaction it caused. I don't miss that.  The weird thing is when. I finally started pulling away out of frustration at not knowing how to deal with her anymore, she would keep asking and asking what was wrong.  That happened right before she abruptly left me.  I think she sensed I was pulling away and she needed to go first.  Control, yes. Pain, yes.  Immature and undeveloped thinking processes, yes.   I don't miss that part.  Thanks for reminding me.  It helps.

[going places]

Mine never asked me "what's wrong" because he didn't care... .

But I could read him like a book... .and I knew when he was about to unwind; so *I* asked "is something bothering you" or "did you have a rough day", etc.

I tried and tried to get him to communicate with me... .and it never worked.

It was almost like he 'enjoyed' being pissed off.

So thankful I don't have to deal with this anymore!

[valet]

The more I pulled away emotionally, the more I was met with questions like that.

Sometimes I would say 'nothing' because I was feeling well, and others I would say 'nothing' because I was afraid that what I had to say would damage the relationship. The relationship had already been damaged, though. If I had been honest initially it probably would have ended much sooner.

[fromheeltoheal]

As we know, borderlines are constantly focused on attachments and the fear of losing them, abandonment, even if it's subconscious.  Accordingly, a borderline is hypervigilant to any signs that may mean the attachment is about to bail, facial expressions, tone of voice, comments, behaviors, and that hypervigilance causes misinterpretations, so the "what's wrong" question is a borderline testing their interpretation to see if something really is wrong and you really are going to leave.

"I trust you" isn't necessarily true, since a borderline is convinced an attachment will leave regardless of what the attachment says or does, it more likely means "tell me I can trust you", a little reassurance in the face of distrust, and/or "tell me you trust me", meaning you don't know about the indescetion or infidelity a borderline might be ashamed of, and therefore you won't leave.  Per usual, trust the behaviors, not the words.

[PlanetsBendBetweenUs]

I will trow in my 2 cents. The "whats wrong" I can relate to as I was asked this frequently. In my case I believe that this is something in the pwBPD mindset in that they can tell they have done something to injure another but do not really understand why it was injurious because they lack empathy. The I trust you I never got that because she new I did not trust her and that I would not parrot back to her "I trust you too". And knowing that I did not trust her only fed her suspicions of me and led to frustration.

[Mutt]

In my case I believe that this is something in the pwBPD mindset in that they can tell they have done something to injure another but do not really understand why it was injurious because they lack empathy.

Low empathy may play a part and maldaptive coping mechanisms as well. A pwBPD may dissociate uncomfortable feelings by altering reality to match their out of place feelings and it takes longer for a non-disordered person to process things and apwBPD tend to be highly sensitive to others feelings.

[confounded]

I'm not pwBPD, but I have schizoid tendencies, and I have to ask number 1 quite often - not because I lack empathy, but because I cannot read the subtle signs people give out when they are emotionally upset,  and also often misinterpret harmless gestures as being potential signs of something being wrong - so I ask, just to be on the safe side, as I don't want to appear callous or uncaring. I would suppose that sort of thing can occur with other types of personality disorders as well - I have a friend with asperger's and he's utterly hopeless at interpreting the signs.

Number 2 I never say, because I trust no one  

[joeramabeme]

2.) A lot of use of the phrase "I trust you".

At one point in our difficult marriage my wife told me that she had come up with a new affirmation to help her; "I can trust my husband".  I was really shocked b/c I did not feel that I was untrustworthy.  I was curious but also afraid of walking on eggshells so did not say anything that may seem like a "direct" question about it.  Besides, it was the first time that I saw her taking a proactive step towards trying to resolve our issues and did not want to extinguish her effort.

After a couple months of this I casually asked what she meant.  I can't remember all she said but I do remember that in her mind she was reminding herself that I was not her father and could be trusted.

I too remember thinking to myself, maybe I am making too big a deal of all this.  Well, if you don't already know, you are not making too big a deal of it.  Trust was/is one of, if not the central, core issue of BPD and the reason why my marriage melted down.  More explicitly, it was lack of trust even if the face of direct evidence that this lack was undeserved.

(IMO) For both the BP and the Non, the lack of trust emanates from painful childhood (or other) experiences.  For the BP there is what I label a "thinking-feeling gap" where the circuit in the brain that transmits the pain is completely divorced from the circuit that is used to understand that same pain.  Since the 2 paths do not know about each other; the circuit responsible for resolving the pain needs to find a way to make sense of it all and this ultimately is where all the seemingly crazy behavior emanates from. Input coming from an unknown source, output that seems to have no traceable source.

Same for me as the non with an important difference.  I am aware of the pain I feel but share a similar "thinking-feeling gap" that does not allow me to trust my perceptions and so my gaped logic tells me that the pain must be my fault (even as I do not understand why).  My gap receives the pain going on around me and has a single path for resolving it, my fault.  Kind of like the inversion of the BP who is acting out; I act in. 

I am sure it is obvious I am no professional and am just offering my thoughts on all of this.

Keep reading and creating more posts; you will find this is a very proactive community with some great insights and others that can offer the wisdom of their healing.

[Gonzalo]

My would occasionally ask what was wrong, but would often use it against me. The first time she did, for example, I tried talking about something fairly minor that was bugging me, and she decided that I regretted us moving in together and was planning to leave her and hated her. (I had no regrets about moving her in until this blow up). So I learned quickly not to answer that unless I was prepared for multiple days of fireworks - which meant that she then accused me of lying to her (one of our memorable therapy blowouts involve this) and blamed our problems on my poor communication. Of course, she would tell me that I needed to open up emotionally and stop being paranoid about her moods, but if I said something like 'what about the night you moved in and exploded at me' she would say that 'of course you shouldn't have answered me honestly then, it was a bad time'.

I suspect that, like other people have said, it's hypervigilance and abandonment fear, coupled with projection of her own insecurities (if she's feeling upset, she thinks I'm feeling upset). I don't think that she ever really cared whether I was actually OK, she just wanted to be sure I wasn't going to leave. When I was worried about something outside (like high blood pressure or a house I liked not working out), I was only allowed to talk about it with her one time, she would b___ me out if I talked about being worried about what the doctor would say or regretting that the house wasn't buyable a second time. When I'd sit down and tell her my concerns, she'd sometimes address a few things, but mostly just say 'that sounds ominous' or 'what you wrote was really worrying'. At the time I wasn't sure what to make of it, but now I'm pretty sure that she wasn't worried about how I felt directly, just in terms of whether I was going to leave.

As the relationship drew to a close, she started telling me 'You seem to be in a weird mood tonight' on nights when I was in a neutral or good mood. I think that may have been projection, that she was off but didn't want to admit it. She enact the standard borderline self-fulfiling prophecy by asking me why I was in a weird mood and attributing behaviors to my supposed weird mood until I'd get annoyed or worried by all of the mood questions and the expectation of an explosion, then she would use my reaction to all of the 'mood' comments as proof that I was feeling off all along. It let her avoid taking responsibility for her own feelings, since she could just claim it was my mood all along, but accelerated my distancing myself from her (another one of those self-fulfilling prophecies).

[Sunfl0wer]

I had a female friend with BPD that always asked what was wrong.

She was obsessed with making sure she was in fair standing with everyone.  She did not want anyone to think bad thoughts of her.

I think this question was her way of using a "thermometer" to find out if the temperature of your feelings toward her were ok, to relieve her anxiety and insecurities about it.

[Sunfl0wer]

Also, being hypervigilant, she would pick up on vibes, and genuinely want to try to fix the "temperature" as in her hypervigilance, if she saw discomfort, it caused her discomfort as well.

[maxsterling]

I can tell you that from my wife's perspective, there is always something "wrong".  Anything that is different from the ordinary is "wrong", and considering to her she does not know what the  "ordinary" is, if I cough, make a strange facial expression, or have to pee one extra time during the night - all potential triggers for being asked "what's wrong".

my wife was raised by an abusive mother.  And I think that taught her to always be on guard for anything out of the ordinary.   She always had to be aware of her mom's moods and facial expressions.  And now that gets carried on to me, and feels like an impossible situation, because me saying that "nothing is wrong" is invalidating, and she doesn't trust it.