How do I not make my daughter worse

[MadameX]

My daughter feels she is so important at her work, how she feels others should run their lives (including my husband and myself).  She feels smarter than most of the population.  We can not tell her any words of advice.

My daughter smokes marijuana with tobacco to numb herself.  She threatens to kill herself regularly.

We are all so distraught and afraid to say anything to her except an un huh.  Now that is not to her liking.

What can we do to not make her worse.

Madame X

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi MadameX,



I can understand how upsetting it would be if a family member wasn't listening to advice and threatening to kill herself. I'm sorry you're going through this. Is your D ( daughter ) dx'ed BPD?

What can we do to not make her worse.

It helps to talk to family members with similar experiences and we can offer support and guidance. It helps to understand the behaviors.

[L5] Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD

[maxen]

hi MadameX. i'm sorry to read of your stressful situation. i think parents of children with BPD are heroes, it can be a very trying thing to offer help. i hope you have had the chance to follow the link the Mutt gave you. you will meet there posters who are facing the same situation as you are in. also, there are readings on the right hand side of that page which are designed by top students of BPD and will help frame the approaches you can take.

i'm concerned about your daughters threats of self harm. has she ever acted on one of these threats? please keep posting MadameX!

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Madame X, and I'd also like to welcome you to this site. I'm really sorry for the troubles you are having to deal with regarding your daughter; all of us parents on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD Board know exactly what you are going through! Like Mutt, I encourage you to read the posts/threads by the other parents, and I'd also like to encourage you to read the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, and all of the other links to the right-hand side of the Parenting Board.

I have an adult (38) son who was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013, and reading the information I mentioned above really helped me understand how his mind works, and what I can do and how I can communicate with him to make things better. And once I made things better with him, things got better for me, and then our whole family    Getting a handle on what I was really dealing with--and learning about the changes I had to make in myself in relation to dealing with a loved one with BPD--things got much easier... .And I did, indeed, learn how to "not make things worse" 

How old is your daughter? Does she live with you (or nearby)? Do you see her often? Is she married? Does she have children? Does she think she has a problem, and has she ever been in Therapy or diagnosed? One of the techniques that we learn to help with dealing with a loved one with BPD (or BPD traits) is Validation, and here is a very good link to how it works: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it. Another good technique that would be helpful to you would be TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. Validation and S.E.T. go hand in hand is calming down situations and helping to make things better with our BPD loved one.

Please read all you can on this site, and on the Parenting Board, and tell us more about your situation... .You can ask for help with specific troubles and circumstances, and we will do what we can to help you understand and mitigate the problems. We're here for you, Madame X, and look forward to hearing more 

[madmom]

Hello, and welcome.   I am a parent of a dwBPD.   I have found this site invaluable.  It has helped me help myself and in turn help my daughter so much. I understand the fear, frustration, and sorrow you feel as you deal with your daughter.  It often feels that know one can know what you are going through, luckily for you, here you will find many who share your experiences.  I would encourage you to spend time reading and working with the tools and lessons you see on the right hand side of this page.  Please come back and tell us a little more about you and your situation.  You are not alone.

[Butterflygirl]

What can we do to not make her worse.

I sometimes wonder whether or not we have the power to make things better or worse. I don't know the answer, but I did learn a lot about how to communicate with a Borderline from this board and from the book, "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me." If I remember correctly he recommends SET communication.

S = Sympathy

E = Empathy

T = Truth

It also helped me to stop blaming myself; hold on to my self-esteem; set boundaries and look for support. You are in the right place. My son is 44 and he was first diagnosed when he was 5, although at first they called it an attachment disorder. Take care.

[Missp]

Hello Madame X. The place you are in with your daughter sounds hard to deal with. I too have felt the intense sorrow and desperation at not being able to find the right words. My daughter spent several months no contact - apart from an extremely angry outburst now and then.  Everything I said back seemed to make it worse - so I can understand why you might stick to 'Uh hu'. I felt so lost with it all. However, using the tools (validation skills) on the site helped me to turn it around and now our relationship is a million times better.  I am so glad I found this site because it gave me the help I needed.  I hope you will find it as useful. I'm sure you will.  Good luck with this new start with your daughter.