"Boundaries" I'm trying new approach

[JQ]

Hello Group,

I'm going to try a new approach ... .at this point I have nothing to loose in regards to my exBPD gf. I've been researching and reading everything I can find about BPD and some sights are good ... .some not so much. What I've come to learn is that most if not all of us that are involved in a relationship with someone who has BPD, well we are care givers, people pleaser's for any variety of reasons. Those of our loved ones who have BPD are like that of a 3 year old in an adult body ... .impossible to reason with ... .terrible two's ... .they want it their way or will pout, scream, throw things until they get their way so we constantly give into them because we love them ... .we want them in our lives.

Well ... .I have read more then one item about how you need to stand up for yourself, you, me all of us need to set boundaries of acceptable behavior. Think about it, what you've tried ... .like me hasn't worked so what do you have to loose. She constantly tells me good bye only to text me again a few minutes later, hours later or even a couple of days later. She was testing me like a child test their parents of what they can or cannot get away with.

I've been reviewing a lot of my relationship with her ... .what I did or didn't do, her reactions to my actions and vise versa. Last October I reentered her life ... .I was trying to convince her that I wasn't going anywhere ... .that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. So for the next 4 months until January she was dating both of us against my better judgement  ... ." I tried to win her over ". It wasn't working ... .why would she want to change ... .she could have both of us ... .well he didn't know about me. SO in January I decided I had enough and set a boundary. I told her I wasn't going to be bf2 ... .that I wasn't going to share her with anyone ... .if you love me and want to be with me then be with me. If you want to be with him ... .then you go be with him but you can't have us both. Besides STD's, UTI's, I told her some pretty graphic details of what I wasn't going to do to her because she was sleeping with someone else.

It took about a week ... .maybe two ... .but she told me she had called things off with him. We had a conversation ... .she told me she called it off on Tuesday ... .but went back over on Thursday ... .needless to say she stayed the night with him ... .but told me it was good bye sex and she wanted to be with me. I thought about it ... .I've thought about her reactions to my questions, her reactions to my actions ... .it was like a child being caught with their kid in the cookie jar. She said she was sorry ... .that it was over and it would't happen anymore. Over the next 7-8 weeks she grew more distant ... .like a child she put me in time out ... .she gave me the silent treatment and the sex was far and few between. Like she was punishing me for setting the boundary ... .but it appeared to be working.

It all came to a end when she told me she didn't love me and missed bf1. Fine ... .I'll leave, you can have him. I moved the next day out of my apartment two hours away while she was at work. when she found out she frantically tried to track me down, calling me to come back. I told her this was her choice not mine ... .needless to say over the next 2 months I caved in several times ... .and saw her ... .it was fun no doubt ... .but I knew she was seeing bf1 again ... .both of us at the same time. And even caught her stopping at the store on the way to his house and confronted her ... .you should have seen the look on her face when she came out of the store ... .a kid getting caught with the hand in the cookie jar. Pretty much same excuses ... ."no I'm not seeing him, I'm going over to xyz house" ... .all dressed up ... .yeah I believe that one. I told her I'm done ... .and moved several states away.

We have texted, she has called me several days a week and would like to have telephonic erotica ... .but I won't do it. I texted her last night ... .I know you have the girls the next couple of days and you  have plans for the 4th with "M" ... .my plans for the 4th are firming up so you can contact me after the holiday if you want too. As expected ... .she started to text me ... .  For the next few hours we're texting back and forth ... .she's asking me what my plans are, I told her I wasn't comfortable telling her. She became upset, told me if I wanted to F---- my neighbor then go ahead ... .I told her who said my neighbor was a woman? I told her I had a couple of options but had not  final plans yet.  I finally told her that I was invited on a road trip ... .or stay in town. Her response was, "I hope she's nice".  She's was throwing out the bait ... .I'm not biting. I was very vague ... .kept it gender neutral ... .I told her she had an exclusive boyfriend "M", that we were not a couple and I could go where I want, when I want with who I want. She told me that to have fun 4th ... .good bye ... .I could tell she was jealous and wanted to me to tell her I was going to see a woman. It's actually a old buddy of mine from the military.

I told her she had an exclusive boyfriend ... .I wanted it to work with us ... .but your choice ... .your decision was to be with "M" ... .ok my choice, my decision is NOT to share you with another man ... .just like you don't want to share me with another woman. I care about you ... .and our relationship ... .I want it to continue ... .but as long as you're seeing  someone else, as long as you're sleeping with someone else ... .I can't, I won't be bf2 ... .I can't and won't share you with another man ... .I can promise you that ... .I've shared with you all the reasons why.  Just so we're clear ... .this was your choice ... .this was your decision ... .if you don't want me to share my life or bed with another woman then you know where I stand ... .I would like to be with you ... .share my life with you ... .but it's your choice ... .your decision ... .what do you want ... .

and I left it at that ... .I put my foot down ... .I set a boundary that I will not cross and she knows it,( she knows how I feel about STD's, UTI's, my female friend died from AIDS from her bf extra outings"  ... .she can't have her cake and eat it too. It's been 7 hours since my last text ... .she's working for another hour or so ... .then she picks up the girls ... .anyone care to put down a wager how long it will be before I hear from her? What her reaction will be? I'm not really sure myself ... .she might call or text tonight after the girls go to bed ... .or she might wait until after the holiday to do it ... .or she might not at all ... .  Can I get some input from the group ... .

Let's face it group ... .giving in to her demands like a 3 year old in the grocery store wasn't working ... .she was going to keep doing it and the stress on me wasn't worth it anymore. SO, I'm taking a different approach that worked once ... .she pouted like a child ... .put me in time out ... .I have nothing to loose ... .she's already with bf1 ... .I set a boundary I won't cross ... .she knows it ... .from what I read, if you stand up to them, set the boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behavior then they will respect you more ... .more importantly ... .YOU NEED TO RESPECT YOURSELF! 

Stayed tuned ... .I'll update this post as things happen ... .I would be very interested in hearing from the group in your collective thoughts whatever they might be.

I'll leave you with some words of wisdom ... .

World populations is ... .7,810424,756 ... .just in case your ex is feeling irreplaceable ... .

Sometimes I forget putting myself first isn't selfish ... .but necessary ... .

Sometimes the greatest love ... .is to simply to let go ... .

Have an awesome day people!

JQ

[swiftkick]

Hi JQ,

I think it's good anytime we help the BPD in our life see that they have choices and also understand the consequences.  In my experience, even if I held out a Snickers and a Kit Kat and explained he had a choice:  "I know the Snickers is your favorite, but it has been in my car and I can tell it's melted a little.  I also have this Kit Kat, and while I know it isn't your favorite, it hasn't been in my car, so it's in better condition.  Take a look yourself and you decide, but remember what I told you."  

He chooses the Kit Kat, I hurriedly eat the Snickers before it becomes too messy while he begins a 5 minute monologue with the Kit Kat, still wrapped, in his hand.  When he finally opens the Kit Kat, it too has now melted and is sticking to the wrapper.  BPDh:  "Wait a minute!  You told me this wasn't melted!  You did that because YOU wanted the Snickers!  You lied!  You are so selfish and abusive!  I'll never believe anything you say again!  You are a bad person, just like your mother."  (sorry, had to slip that last one in)

My point in that sweet tooth-inducing anecdote is you can lead a BPD to make a choice, but getting them to take responsibility for it is another question entirely.  What if she makes the choice to come back to you?  Are you prepared for the backlash when she becomes restless again and blames you for not making her happy, taking care of her, and being as perfect as bf2 was that she left for you?

While you might get temporary results, reality is you'll be getting to live your days worrying and wondering when bf2 will come back into the picture or a bf3 hits the scene when coming back to you doesn't meet her expectations.  

It's clear you care about her, and she must have had some horrendous childhood trauma or else I imagine you wouldn't be so willing to not only overlook the infidelity, but to work to get her back.  It's a lot of work from reading your post.  Are you ready to go through it again, and again, and again... .?  When is your quality of life important?  

I feel for you.  I get the abuse cycles where he becomes remorseful and sad and promises everything he knows I need, and I fall for it every time.  Sometimes I don't really fall for it, but seeing him suffer hurts so much, and feeling like I'm causing it, pretty much guarantees he'll get another chance.  My quality of life (and kids) has suffered tremendously over the last 7 years with him, and right now is the longest span of time I've resisted it, but it's not easy.

So... .have you thought about what your life will be like again if she chooses you?