Inner Turmoil

[Thread]

Does anyone else feel hopeless and angry. I have finally had two weeks of peace without a tantrum from my H BPD. We have a 3-4 month waiting period to get DBT therapy at the center for BPD here locally. He is still in regular therapy once a week.

But he just had another episode and I am just losing it! I have therapy every two weeks (our finances can only pay for him to do weekly counsel.) but you figure I would have tough skin after all the episodes and now understanding of this disorder, but instead I break down. I check out mentally and have major anxiety attacks when he starts to escalate.

I'm starting to have these thoughts about wanting to hit him over the head or wanting so bad to flip out on him since most days all I try to do is figure out ways to de-escalate his emotions, by concealing my own.

Me playing the stable non reactive one, but lately I just desire to lose it! I am also experiencing thoughts of self harm. I will not actually do it, nor have I ever, but the thinking about it Keeps occurring. I know it probably is because I feel out of control of my h BPD's emotions or something

I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. But I am having some serious PTSD issues. Like nightmares of my h BPD yelling at me or some sort of emotional abusive situation. I also have been doing this weird thing where my eyes water really bad when I'm talking to people. It doesn't even have to be about my pwBPD I just think it's getting harder and harder to hide that I'm falling apart. I just blame it on allergies, but I know I'm just starting to break down.

And I'm upset that I am responding like this. He doesn't cheat, he doesn't abuse me, he's not addicted to any substances or alcohol, and I feel immense guilt because he's not as terrible as other pwBPD. So I feel bad that I'm not stronger. That I'm falling apart.

I just want this to get better. I'm making all the efforts to make this work. And I should be thrilled that he hasn't had an episode for over two weeks, but I'm so easily rattled when it does occur.

I don't know what I'm looking for I just really needed to vent and share what I'm struggling with. I'm just really having a hard time. Always on the fense of staying or going. When it's bad I want to leave and I'm defeated, when it's good I have hope. And back and forth. Bi-monthly.

[Thread]

Ideations is what I'm having, I couldn't remember the psychological term for "thoughts" of self-harm.

[Surg_Bear]

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this.

Yes, I have felt hopeless and angry. I still have moments, but I feel them less frequently than I did 2-3 months ago.

I didn't have ideation of suicide, but what I did have were these "attacks" of images seizing my awareness and immediate attention of myself in the last few seconds of life, and / or in death. Images of leaving my recently dead body, were also pretty common.

I am a 48 year old man, and I've cried more in the last 3 months than I have in the last 30 years of my life. I cried when I saw the movie Inside Out, a couple weeks ago. Six months ago, I might have become bored with the movie altogether.

So, I think I can appreciate what is going on for you.

My wife also doesn't cheat, physically abuse me, or abuse illegal substances.

What we are experiencing is FOG. Our spouse's illness has inserted itself too far into your core. The behaviors of the spouse are at odds with our internal values of what marriage / love / attachment is supposed to be. What our spouse demands of us- this goes against the grain of who we are as individual people on the lifelong journey of becoming our truest expression of self.  The BPD is inside wreaking havoc with who we ought to be, and who we are truly.  This creates Frustration, Obligation and Guilt. The FOG makes it so we cannot think clearly, feel confused, lost, and alone.

To get back into your own head, and separate from the pathological enmeshment of loving a pwBPD, you must step out of the cloud of the FOG, recognize your values, and put up walls of fortitude and peace around the values (boundaries).  This is extremely difficult for people who have a hard time saying "no," as many of us here can attest.  When you step out of the fog, you can see that things are not so hopeless. Your anger gets gradually replaced by compassion, and you feel more comfortable in your own skin.  Thoughts of death as a release from your suffering go away.

You can do all of this by reading, learning and living the lessons on this Board. I'm doing it for myself, and you can too.

Good Luck.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[satahal]

Hi Hanging,

I'm hanging right there with you.

My BPD partner is also a good provider and generally decent person. He has a thirty-year career, the kids love him (my son is a step-child to him and he has a few of his own) and he can be quite fun company when he's not in one of his moods.

I've recently developed panic attacks also. They started happening during rages maybe a year or so ago - I'd hyper-ventilate. Now, with even a hint of an oncoming rage, I can feel myself becoming short of breath. The other morning I just woke up hyper-ventilating. I've also had some suicidal ideation. I think this is because I feel trapped - can't go, miserable staying.

I wonder if I can ever get to compassion like Surg_Bear. Now, I feel resentful when he suddenly decides after days of the silent treatment to be normal. Like I'm supposed to go from being punished (for nothing) to thrilled that he's back - how does that work? I suppose it works if the silent treatment days aren't anxiety-filled - but I've yet to master that trick - how do you get from hyper-ventilating to living in an impenetrable bubble that protects from their moods? Surg-Bear, tell us more!

I've done a lot of boundary work - and while there's been some gains - it's not like you throw these things up and they stay there. There's a lot of testing - a lot of testing, accepting, then re-testing.

Last night I had a headache - he was angry because he came home from work and I wasn't ready to play the happy partner (honestly, it had been probably 5 days of silent treatment, him sleeping in the other room, waking me up with his up and down all night, etc so I was really afraid for the holiday weekend, which I think caused my headache). I did get up to make him food as it really sets him off if I don't have food for him - he didn't eat though because he was angry - this is classic - I buy and prepare really good meals and then he refuses to eat them to punish me. Makes me angry (which I completely hide because I wouldn't spend these hours cooking if I knew he wasn't eating - my son doesn't eat the same things and I'm generally happy eating lightly). Then, he came back an hour later and took my son out to eat.

He apparently griped to my son about me in a way that confused him (my son has special needs) - he thought my partner was serious and he wanted to tell me every word. My boy also tells me my partner drank beer - he has an alcohol problem, which he's been controlling fairly well for the past 8 months or so - but I had a boundary: no drinking when you're driving my son - it's been in place for months and yet there he goes drinking with my son, then driving him home.

So, I mention it this morning and I almost immediately feel a panic attack coming on - because I realize it's setting him off. I said it as pleasantly has possible - just reminded him that I'd prefer he not do that just in case they were pulled over for a tail light, etc. That was it - he's off to the races. He said he's going to work - even though we'd planned to hike and barbecue for the holiday, doesn't want to get together earlier in the day because I'm too busy (i have to drop my son off somewhere and do a little cooking for the barbecue - nothing that precludes hanging out) - martyr mode is in full effect. I just validated away and remained calm and pleasant and told him that he knew my schedule and I would be here whatever he wanted to do (yep, because if I dare do something on my own - he will doubly lose it - even though he's the one who bowed out).

I'm beyond angry and full on hopeless. There was a time where his rages and bad behavior made me want to explode - something I never, ever was inclined to do in all of my 50 years. In some ways it felt good, in other it made me feel as bad as him - but yes, there were times I was so full of rage that I could have whacked him with something easily. Now, I feel hopeless. He will not stay in therapy. Basically, when I reach the point of asking for a separation, he restarts for maybe two sessions to appease me, but then stops again.

There was one stretch where he was in a very good place for maybe 3-4 months at the beginning of he year and I was so hopeful. I never imagined he could so consistently keep it together. He was going to therapy, reading some mindfulness books, attending AA meetings and he was just a calm, self-aware happy guy - it wasn't forced - the resentment had lifted.

But he's nearly 60 and I can't expect an old dog to learn new tricks - I'm sure some do but he doesn't see that he has a problem - he really blames me for everything.

The teetering back and forth between staying and going is very hard on me. I have committed to staying a number of times because my son really loves him and likes him being around and his own dad is mostly out of the picture - that's really the only reason. I just can't figure out how to explain this to my boy, how I can cope with his grieving process when I'm in shreds myself. And I can't image a life where I don't get to have emotions. That fundamentally feels really wrong to me. On one hand, I guess it's good not to be angry but to not every be able to express frustration or dislike and to be punished when I don't feel well - really?

[Thread]

Please explain FOG to me

[Surg_Bear]

I don't have all the answers. I pass in and out of FOG all the time.

Samanthal: "asking" a pwBPD for a separation is like asking a person if you could borrow their heart for a transplant.  You don't ask for a separation, you must, in the best way possible, and with as much compassion as you can, leave.  If there is no way to discuss leaving (there often isn't) then you gradually pack up those things that mean the absolute most to you, knowing there may never be another opportunity to come back for the rest of your stuff, and just leave.

After you're gone and in a safe place, you can then contact him and discuss YOUR terms. If there is no discussion- only rage, hang up and try again another time.

You do not need HIS permission to leave and take care of yourself. All you need is your own.

I left for 10 days. I mentally rehearsed what I was going to say. I said it, and nothing else, and walked out the door. I answered none of her questions- they were all guilt trips anyway- I just left. The hardest thing was to find the courage to actually do it. Once I did, I really came into myself.

Once on the outside of the relationship, looking in, is when I found my compassion. In the moment of the heat, there was no compassion- just me doing anything I could to protect myself from her markedly disordered versions of truth. When I was at my best friend's house, I imagined her as she was in the numerous photos I had seen of her when she was a little girl. I could see that little girl fighting so hard to keep me in her life- doing and saying anything, so I wouldn't leave her alone in her fear and shame. It was this, that made the words of what she said during her rages, less important to believe, than the little girl desperately clinging to the only person in the world who loves her.

I don't have answers for how to validate, or got out of no-win situations and circular arguments.  I still get so FOGged during arguments that if you asked me 7 + 9, I would have to use my fingers.

What I know is that I cannot stay in this marriage. I am working on my escape plan because the marriage violates values that I believe to be non-negotiable in what I believe marriage to be. One of my values (among many others) is that marriage between two adults includes both partners actively working to satisfy the other's needs for physical and sexual affection. This is one aspect of marriage that I believe to be absolute. Because my marriage in real life does not reflect this value, I must either grieve the loss of this and accept it as a "never will happen" event, surround it with impenetrable boundaries and move on in the marriage; OR, accept that this marriage does not live up to one of the core values that defines a healthy marriage / relationship / partnership for me, and I must leave.

This is what I'm doing. I'm still married. I still very much love my wife.  I have compassion for all of her suffering, and I am working on my exit strategy.

I work the equivalent of three full time jobs, and I'm a parent to two beautiful children. I have to make an exit that does not violate my values for divorce. After spending 25 years with my wife, I cannot just up and leave- what I fantasize to be an ideal break-up, is living separately- but still depending on each other to raise beautiful, mature and securely attached children. For this to happen, I must accept that I will pay a lot of money to keep 2 ships afloat, instead of just one. Divorcing my wife does not, in my mind, include leaving, and going no-contact. It means leaving and talking / interacting as much as we do now- from separate homes.

I don't know if this is even possible, but I'm talking to the right people to maximize the chances of this working the way I'd like.

When I was only hopeless and angry, I felt like I would lose everything if I left. I am fighting to try and maintain as much of our relationship as possible. I realize that I am not powerless.  I hold way more cards than I have given myself credit.

I am NOT saying the only way to make it is to get out- MANY people on the Staying Board are doing just fine working within the value of staying in a marriage for the sake of the marriage.  Please do not get me wrong, here, I am only giving you a glimpse of how I am doing it- this may or may not apply to any one else on this entire Forum.

I hope this helps-

Surg_Bear

[stuckgirl]

Im sorry youre feeling this way,i can identify with you because i went through something similar a year agol. A lot of people here feel FOG,its natural to feel a mixture of these emotions in a helpless situation like being with a dysfunction pw BPD,but what i think is that the psychological effects are because of chronic anxiety.it becomes too much to handle and the brain gives us signals to go in a healthier environment.

when i was going through this,i was contantly anxious,kept checking my phone to see if my fiance had called or texted,because he would get extremely worked up over not being replied to,and i would have no choice but to see another fight through.

i started experiencing sleep anxiety and sleep panic attacks,i too would have dreams of an argument with him.

i realized i hadnt slept properly for a month because i was constantly worried about missing his call and having to have another argument.when i did realize it i felt absolutely helpless and wanted to kill myself,i wondered what had happened to me for things to get this bad...

i didnt know what else to do so i broke up with him.

I really think that if the mind thinks that a situation is not a way to live,it is going to let you know in every way,and no matter what a person does or thinks,he would not be able to quel it...

Have you talked to your therapist about how youre feeling?

[satahal]

"asking" a pwBPD for a separation is like asking a person if you could borrow their heart for a transplant. 

Of course. I think I probably knew that but its this weird thing where in I lapse into thinking I can relate to him rationally - no matter how many years we've not related rationally.

To get away from him will involve planning and probably a restraining order. I own the place where we live - so he has to be put out and in the past when I've insisted he leave because of raging into the wee hours, it has a few times taken law enforcement to get him to comply.

You do not need HIS permission to leave and take care of yourself. All you need is your own.

I'm figuring this out. I have such a hard time with confrontation and anger - I withdraw, hence my anxiety attacks. It seems easier to keep the peace but in reality it's killing me.

What I know is that I cannot stay in this marriage. I am working on my escape plan because the marriage violates values that I believe to be non-negotiable in what I believe marriage to be. One of my values (among many others) is that marriage between two adults includes both partners actively working to satisfy the other's needs for physical and sexual affection.

I wish you luck with this.

what I fantasize to be an ideal break-up, is living separately- but still depending on each other to raise beautiful, mature and securely attached children.

My main concern is for my boy - as my partner is a step-parent and not even legally so but he functions has his primary father figure - I worry that he will shun my son to punish me. He can't put the kids first. He's too frantic with his own needs and emotions to do that.

Please do not get me wrong, here, I am only giving you a glimpse of how I am doing it- this may or may not apply to any one else on this entire Forum.

I hope this helps-

Thank you Surg-bear - definitely helped to read your story. I really appreciate you sharing and I wish you the best.

[satahal]

the psychological effects are because of chronic anxiety.it becomes too much to handle and the brain gives us signals to go in a healthier environment.



That makes sense- I definitely feel like my body is going to check out or combust if I don't get myself out of this situation.

when i was going through this,i was constantly anxious,kept checking my phone to see if my fiance had called or texted,because he would get extremely worked up over not being replied to,and i would have no choice but to see another fight through.

That describes my experience to a "T".

Stuck Girl, Can I ask if you are still apart or if you stayed with your fiancé?

[Surg_Bear]

"asking" a pwBPD for a separation is like asking a person if you could borrow their heart for a transplant. 

Of course. I think I probably knew that but its this weird thing where in I lapse into thinking I can relate to him rationally - no matter how many years we've not related rationally.

To get away from him will involve planning and probably a restraining order. I own the place where we live - so he has to be put out and in the past when I've insisted he leave because of raging into the wee hours, it has a few times taken law enforcement to get him to comply.

You do not need HIS permission to leave and take care of yourself. All you need is your own.

I'm figuring this out. I have such a hard time with confrontation and anger - I withdraw, hence my anxiety attacks. It seems easier to keep the peace but in reality it's killing me.

What I know is that I cannot stay in this marriage. I am working on my escape plan because the marriage violates values that I believe to be non-negotiable in what I believe marriage to be. One of my values (among many others) is that marriage between two adults includes both partners actively working to satisfy the other's needs for physical and sexual affection.

I wish you luck with this.

what I fantasize to be an ideal break-up, is living separately- but still depending on each other to raise beautiful, mature and securely attached children.

My main concern is for my boy - as my partner is a step-parent and not even legally so but he functions has his primary father figure - I worry that he will shun my son to punish me. He can't put the kids first. He's too frantic with his own needs and emotions to do that.

Please do not get me wrong, here, I am only giving you a glimpse of how I am doing it- this may or may not apply to any one else on this entire Forum.

I hope this helps-

Thank you Surg-bear - definitely helped to read your story. I really appreciate you sharing and I wish you the best.

This is one thing I have going for me that is lacking in your guy-

My wife is a Power Mom. Not a bully. Not even really a BPD splitter. She is an awesome Mom. It sounds infantile on my part, but I just do not get it.  How can she turn off the BPD enough to be present and attuned to the children, get them to bed, and then turn into a raging 81tch of a monster to me?  I just do not get this. I understand it on a psychological / intellectual level, but on an emotional level... .I can't understand how the switching off and on the crazy goes.

It breaks my heart that being a father figure to a boy isn't enough to keep crazy at bay. Maybe he wouldn't?  It he truly cares for your son, he may not be enmeshed enough and might be able to separate (split) crazy, and give it all to you (what a great gift, huh?) and not the boy.  I don't know- there are plenty of horror stories here about pwBPD, who deserve Worst Parent Of The Year Awards.

Can you enlist help from a mediator who specializes in complex child custody? I didn't even know this service exists, but where I live there are professionals who understand that issues arise in children's lives that are not the classic 1950's version of the U.S. family. A mediator can be sensitive to all of the issues you are trying to sort out-  what's best for your son, what is best for you, and your partner, all the while acknowledging and working within the context of personality disorder.  It might take a little digging, but there may be someone near you, who understands, and can help.  I know you're not dealing with "custody" but he is an important figure in your son's life and there are going to be issues of grief and loss that (as a mom) you may not be equipped to handle on your own. A mediator might be able to enlist the Dad surrogate to step up, and continue in his role as Father Figure, or suggest ways to fill that void.

This issue, and the house ownership are layers of complexity above and beyond my situation, to be sure. But, with the right help, you can navigate in a way that benefits all.

Keep reading here, and talking to people in your town, to find the help you need.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[satahal]

Thanks Surg-Bear,

Good suggestion. I've been thinking of getting my son in to see a therapist who specializes in his particular disability - and discussing this here is a good reminder to do it sooner rather than later. Maybe a therapist who's in place can help him come what may and I can also give her a heads up, so that she can help me do what I need to do to take care of my boy.

I think my partner, at least the decent part of him would certainly intend to remain close to my son. It's that bp part that I fear would be cold and distant or show up but over-share or use the occasion to manipulate me.

Anyway, I think I have some time to spend getting myself clear and strong to be sure of what road I'm taking. It's amazing how I can vacillate. When he's in a good place for a few days, I just fall into a fantasy world and I'm 100% in  - then when he's acting up I'm 100% sure I want out.

Thank you for sharing with me. I know it's invalidating to you that your wife can turn it on and off and still seems to choose "on" for you, but it is a godsend for the kids and ultimately, your peace of mind when you separate. I imagine raging at you feels safe. I think they see us has being invulnerable so that allows them to blast us without guilt.

[Samuel S.]

I too am right there precisely like you. I too have PTSD due to my BPDw who has a holier than thou attitude. She is very verbally and emotionally abusive. She won't get angry, though. I too have had ideations of self-harm, but I won't commit suicide, though. My BPDw hasn't been abusive for several weeks, but the S### hit the fan yesterday when she came home in a bad mood and saw what her medical insurance paid for me. So, she got on my case about that. I had to walk on eggshells to say that my 2 medical insurance plans also paid for it. These bills were due to genuine concern about my overall health, but she couldn't and can't see that. All she sees the dollar sign.

I just suggest that you take care of yourself, and if at all possible, when you feel threatened, to get out of his range.

[Thread]

I don't think I can keep doing this. I need to start making my exit strategy. Why is this so hard and I am so torn! I care deeply for him but I am losing it completely!

[Samuel S.]

Let's face it. When you met your SO, it might have been a slow or a fast process in which you fell in love. Now, that yearning of having that same person is diminished due to his outbursts. So, it is very understandable that you are torn. You care for him, and you love him; however, with the outbursts leading to your PTSD even with his therapy and yours, it is hard to get over your hurt, anger, fear, and frustration.

What would help exceedingly so is if he were to authentically apologize and to show by his actions and by his words that he is a changed person, that he can be kind, loving, compassionate.

My BPDw goes from being somewhat nice to being verbally abusive and neglectful. So, all the good that she does is shadowed tremendously so by her negativity.

I too am losing it and am trying to develop an exit strategy.

The guilt I have is that I failed, but that is irrational. Sure, I am human and have made my mistakes, but they have never been intentional, and I have never been verbally abusive or neglectful. My BPDw is very intentional in her verbal abuse and in her neglect. I have been loving, compassionate, and helpful. She is quite the opposite.

I guess what I am sharing with you is that the torn feeling you are experiencing may be the same with the guilt of a failed relationship. It is NOT your fault! You have done your best to love and to preserve the relationship by your words and by your actions. He may be taking minor steps to improve, but it is only because he realizes he has a problem and how it is affecting you. In your case and in mine, they are taking minor steps, but it is too late.

[Thread]

Just found out my h BPD's therapist told him that I would refuse marriage therapy. That I am the borderline one!

How deal with this - this guy is nuts and clearly my h BPD has manipulated the situations.

Today he told me he does "everything" as far as work goes I started pointing to all the things I've done and said did you do that. No. How bout that. No.

He had an episode because I took a day off. I took the morning off and worked the entire evening. Which I do sleep in if I know we are going in at 10pm and I will work home he sleeps until late afternoon 3-4pm. I have weird hours because our work environment  is humid and hot no AC and it effects our stuff.

I can't believe he raged at me for trying to take a morning off from work!

This is what made him lose it. Me taking a day off when I sometimes work 20 hours with naps three days in a row! My business made 4500 last month. You're welcome a$$hole.

He works hard too. But he doesn't not by any means do EVERYTHING.

Here are his borderline issues:

Dump water in his own head blamed it because he knew I wanted to do it to him

Suicidal threats when I want to leave

Loving texts, following really hateful texts

Cannot handle criticism

If I correct something he immediately becomes defensive

No good friends and doesn't go out much

Controlling hovers over me and gets jealous of my friendships

Lived in the streets before we had met

Did a lot of drugs before we had met

Was prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressants

Didn't talk to his parents for a year

Took off to live in California and Vegas within a week of telling his family (18) had no plan no money no job

Lived with druggies during this time

Has said he felt he had an alcohol problem

Hid smoking cigarettes from me for months when I discovered it he still refused to tell the truth

Had an email with an ex girlfriend again refused to tell the truth lied to my face about responding even when I pulled up the email of the response

His favorites are exactly his mother's

Can't make decisions then I ale them then freaks out about how I make All the decisions

Outbursts 2-4 times a month

Used to refuse therapy until I gave him an ultimatum

His mom and sister have BPD

He freaks out shaking to the point of tears then tells me I'm the one escalating

Emotionally abusive he called me "crazy, stupid, b___, robotic, lacking character, boring,"

He cannot admit the things I excel at in combination with what he isn't as strong at

He likes to believe he is the best at everything

Uses statements "always, every time, all the time, never"

There is not inbetween it's either all nice or mean not neutral

Plays holier than thou and moral high horse to his therapist

Pins me as the bad one

When I try to talk to him about my days or hanging out with friends he won't listen to the conversation it's too beneath him and not his business

He will throw food down angrily and then say I did it first

He will curse at me and say I did it first

He will write letters and letters apologizing when I need my space and lay at the door until I let him in or he falls asleep

He will go off about apple or Mac negatively but to others acts like he likes the brand

Over exaggerated and under exaggerates

I don't know what to do! I'm glad he is in therapy, but what the heck his therapist is clueless! Help. I cannot believe he's trying to pin me as BPD. I've heard him suggest it in therapy with him as well... .Like "she has episodes, or she treats you all wonderful and all bad?" I know what BPD is and I'm not the person who needs the help Mr!

I am so angry. And I know it's not healthy and I need to leave. My business will be dissolved but staying isn't worth it any more.

[Surg_Bear]

Just found out my h BPD's therapist told him that I would refuse marriage therapy. That I am the borderline one!

How deal with this - this guy is nuts and clearly my h BPD has manipulated the situations.

Today he told me he does "everything" as far as work goes I started pointing to all the things I've done and said did you do that. No. How bout that. No.

I am so angry. And I know it's not healthy and I need to leave. My business will be dissolved but staying isn't worth it any more.

How did you find out that his therapist thinks it is you with BPD?

Did you find out from your husband?  Is he telling you the truth, or is this his version of the truth? 

If this therapist is licensed and familiar with mental illness, it is not likely that they would hold this belief very long, as your husband continues to share more and more of his experience.

This may be a reaction formation and projection on your husband's part.  He may have received the bad news that his therapist is thinking that HE has BPD.  This is too painful a realization for most pwBPD.  If it is too painful for them to accept about themselves, they need to quickly split from it, and put it somewhere else.  The somewhere else repository for all things unacceptable about themselves is ALWAYS:  the Significant Other.

I would bet that your husband is aware that his therapist is on to him, and he is doing everything in his power to deflect having to accept "crazy" on to you.  This is happening either in the sessions (blaming you for things he thinks, feels, and does in real life) or after the sessions (taking what the therapist has said about him, and making it about you- so he doesn't have to think about it anymore.  He can remain guilt-free and in control).

I would be concerned about implications regarding what the therapist thinks about you- ONLY if the therapist tells you this directly.  If you are hearing it second hand from a person with BPD, how real could this be?

Not all anger is unhealthy.  Anger is an emotion that is part of the human experience.  It is healthy to feel angry.  It is unhealthy to fester in it, and act out because of it.  There are healthy ways to deal with anger.  It is unhealthy to try and deny its existence and pretend it is not there.

You are 100% "allowed" to be angry about your situation.  Your situation would make ANYONE angry.  What you do with this anger- that is what determines whether it is healthy or not.

Be careful what you do with your anger, and you will be fine.  Flying off the handle, or hiding it, and denying it, are equally unhealthy.  The consequences may differ, in who the anger "attacks;" but whether your partner (by flying off the handle) or yourself (denying it is even there); the long term effects are equally unhealthy.

You are not the crazy one.  You are not the person with BPD.  The fact this is even an issue, is one of the true hallmarks of a person with BPD- your husband is gas lighting and crazy making you into believing you're the one with all of the problems.  My wife, who is a Clinical Psychologist, is a true professional at this with me.  I doubt my sanity all of the time.  Reality checks are really helpful in this regard.  Get a therapist, or close friend / family member to give you feedback about how they see your behavior.  You might learn a few things about yourself.

Good luck with this.  It sounds like this will be a very difficult battle to conquer.  You are strong enough tonight it, and you owe it to yourself to win.  And by win, I mean to undo the pathological enmeshment, and get your Self back from your husband.

Surg_Bear

[stuckgirl]

Stuck Girl, Can I ask if you are still apart or if you stayed with your fiancé?[/quote]
I stayed nc after that and didnt get back together.

As much as i could not blame him for having BPD,i did not cause it,when i was about to give up,this is what i told myself,that it wasnt my fault.

i know that had i wanted to stay with him,i couldnt have.i had started feeling an intense amount of stress just thinking about being with him,it had gotten to the point of feeling nauseated and stressed.if i was repelled i was not repelled from him,but how i felt being in a relationship with him.

i do not know if i was being thick,not logical,was not being the bigger person,or big hearted,i just wanted the torture to end.

One thing that kept me from losing my mind was that after feeling particularly suicidal and unable to breathe one day,i called him and told him that his constant scrutiny of everything i was doing,of demanding to know where i was and what i qas doing,why i hadnt called or messaged him,his constant tantrums about me feeling sleepy and therefore not talking to him but sleeping was too much,he became sulky and offensive but he did say that he just would care about what i did,i took him on his word and told him to stick to that and let me breathe.

After that i realized i could plan and think straight in a long while,after a few weeks of arguments,raging,abusing and dysfunctioning,i told him i'd had enough.

i had lots of support from here and not once have i regretted it.

i hope you find the strength and support to do what you know to be good and healthy for yourself.

[Thread]

Stuck girl: I relate completely to your last reply! 

Thank you everyone for sharing and hearing me out! I am in a hard battle, and I am creating a plan to get out. In the next few months I will be moving to the detaching page. Hard to even write the leaving per :/

Just looked at our wedding photos the other day and the happiness and joy radiating out of the computer made my heart break. And I look at us now and think what the heck happened. Who is this man laying next to me with so many issues. Wtf happened to him. Or even what have I done in helping this become what it is  my heart is breaking. But I feel better knowing I will be creating a plan.