another break up letter? thougths?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is the letter that I've composed to help keep me on track with the conversation. The break up conversation. I've been spinning my wheels now for much too long. This needs to happen, today... .or tomorrow... .

I want to break up, for real, and forever. I am not with you now for the right reasons. I want you to know that I love you and I will always love you and that’s never going to change. But the way I love you has changed over the years for a few reasons. We can discuss these if you want, but we don’t have to either. Really, the bottom line is that I am not happy and haven’t been for a while. I feel very anxious and tense all the time. All of this has to do with our history together.

Long story short I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I have forgiven you for everything, even tho I don’t understand all the reasons. The problem I’m having now is forgiving myself. Isn’t that crazy? How can I forgive you so completely and yet not be able to extend that same loving compassion to myself? I need to find a way to love myself enough to forgive myself for the damage I allowed. It’s not an easy thing but it’s necessary for me.

A healthy relationship takes two people working to make it and keep it that way. I can’t say that we have a healthy relationship now or that we’ve ever truly had. I can’t say that we can get to this place within our relationship. I believe that there have been too many instances in our relationship to be healed. I don’t see a future together for us.

I truly want the best for you, for you to be healthy and happy, too. I truly do not believe that this is with me any longer. I can’t see how you could find that with me if I’m not feeling it the same as you. I do not want to try to work it out again.  

... .a few months ago I found he was talking to another woman (the same one he had an affair with 10 yrs ago!) and then I was ready to burn the bridge... .if not for our son who was graduating high school and our daughter who was in the middle of finals at college so I decided then I'd wait... .and I honestly want to try to let go with love and without blame... .I don't want THAT to be the reason, if that makes sense... .now I'm just procrastination and I really don't want to wait for another blow up... .I don't want to end on an argument... .maybe I'm still trying to control outcomes (that's probably it)... .

anyway can you give me some feed back? thanks!

[Danie14]

This is the letter that I've composed to help keep me on track with the conversation. The break up conversation. I've been spinning my wheels now for much too long. This needs to happen, today... .or tomorrow... .

I want to break up, for real, and forever. I am not with you now for the right reasons. I want you to know that I love you and I will always love you and that’s never going to change. But the way I love you has changed over the years for a few reasons. We can discuss these if you want, but we don’t have to either. Really, the bottom line is that I am not happy and haven’t been for a while. I feel very anxious and tense all the time. All of this has to do with our history together.

Long story short I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I have forgiven you for everything, even tho I don’t understand all the reasons. The problem I’m having now is forgiving myself. Isn’t that crazy? How can I forgive you so completely and yet not be able to extend that same loving compassion to myself? I need to find a way to love myself enough to forgive myself for the damage I allowed. It’s not an easy thing but it’s necessary for me.

A healthy relationship takes two people working to make it and keep it that way. I can’t say that we have a healthy relationship now or that we’ve ever truly had. I can’t say that we can get to this place within our relationship. I believe that there have been too many instances in our relationship to be healed. I don’t see a future together for us.

I truly want the best for you, for you to be healthy and happy, too. I truly do not believe that this is with me any longer. I can’t see how you could find that with me if I’m not feeling it the same as you. I do not want to try to work it out again.  

... .a few months ago I found he was talking to another woman (the same one he had an affair with 10 yrs ago!) and then I was ready to burn the bridge... .if not for our son who was graduating high school and our daughter who was in the middle of finals at college so I decided then I'd wait... .and I honestly want to try to let go with love and without blame... .I don't want THAT to be the reason, if that makes sense... .now I'm just procrastination and I really don't want to wait for another blow up... .I don't want to end on an argument... .maybe I'm still trying to control outcomes (that's probably it)... .

anyway can you give me some feed back? thanks!

[Danie14]

Ok... .well, I'm leaving work early to go see him and talk to him today. I'm leaving on business travel tomorrow... .I figure that we can talk today, (probably argue tonight and not sleep), tomorrow I'll go on that travel and we'll have two days away from each other to let these things sink in.

If I get the actual guts to actually open my mouth and utter my feelings... .I'll let you know how it all works out... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there Danie14,

Sorry if I'm a bit out of the loop in what is going on in your situation.

If I am understanding you... .

The letter is only to help you organize your thoughts?  Not for him to read or you to read to him?

I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to decide that it has come to this... .I'm sure this is feeling devastating to you to be in this position.  I have often contemplated this and to be honest, I didn't have the guts to directly break up... .at times I wonder if I should have.

Anyway... .

To be honest... .as the audience of this letter... .the first line:

I want to break up.

Sounds to me like someone who has not decided... .as though this is a conversation open to debate.

Why not:

I AM breaking up.

Do you think it would be more helpful to come up with a two sentence mantra that you can refer to to keep yourself on track and continue to come back to? 

[Danie14]

Thank you Sunflower. I had the talk with him yesterday.

I didn't read the letter to him and didn't even take it out of my pocket but I had it and in my mind I referred to it as we talked... .or more like as I talked... .he didn't say much... .he cried and I cried... .and... .it's not done yet.

*CUSS WORD* this is hard. today he's acting like every things ok... .what the heck? really... .how can he act like every things ok? to be fair and honest I didn't actually say I want to break up, I didn't actually tell him to leave... .in fact, when he said 'so I'm getting kicked out' I told him I didn't say that because I didn't and that's kinda force of habit in our convos... .him putting words in my mouth and me telling him I didn't say that... .so... .that was response was auto pilot for me and that shouldn't have come out of my mouth and I regret that because it turned the convo... .

but you know this is the thing he didn't really say anything at all. We where in our room on the bed and he was laying there I was sitting and talking... .when I stopped for a bit I was waiting for him to say something and so I said 'aren't you going to say anything?' and he said he didn't know what to say... .then a little bit later I asked him what he was thinking and he say nothing... .

this is going to take more than one talk.

[Lucky Jim]

to be fair and honest I didn't actually say I want to break up, I didn't actually tell him to leave... .

Hey Danie, Why not be authentic and lay your cards on the table?  Presumably because you are afraid of "hurting" your BPD SO.  I've been there, my friend, and it only makes the b/u more painful down the line.  Plus, you could say that you are not being true to yourself.  On the other hand, maybe you don't really want to break up?  Well, do you really want to break up or not?  Either way is OK, but suggest you be honest with yourself about what you want to happen.

LuckyJim

[Danie14]

Yea I hear you Jim. I do.

Yes, be honest with myself. And be honest with him. I have been and I will continue to be honest. I honestly do not want to break up. I honestly want him to get healthy. For me to get healthy. I just don't see this as a real option any longer. So, no I don't want to break up but it seems there's really no choice for me.

... .and... .to be honest half the stuff I've been thru should have had me gone a long long time ago... .so I also honestly believe it's high time I treat myself better.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Danie, It sounds like you are of two minds: you don't want to break up, but you don't see any other option.  Does that sum it up in a nutshell?  If I can make a suggestion, it would be to make your decisions based on the present reality, not some future fantasy about a time when both of you "get healthy."  What is the right path for you?  I sense ambivalence, which indicates to me that you may need to sit with your feelings more before you can answer this question.

LuckyJim

[Mike-X]

Yea I hear you Jim. I do.

Yes, be honest with myself. And be honest with him. I have been and I will continue to be honest. I honestly do not want to break up. I honestly want him to get healthy. For me to get healthy. I just don't see this as a real option any longer. So, no I don't want to break up but it seems there's really no choice for me.

... .and... .to be honest half the stuff I've been thru should have had me gone a long long time ago... .so I also honestly believe it's high time I treat myself better.

I think that it is great that you are on these boards as part of a plan to get healthy. What other things have you been doing or do you plan on doing to improve your mental, emotional, and physical health?

I read through some of your previous posts. They were touching in so many ways, and I appreciate your sharing on the boards. Given the topic of this thread, I am wondering about your current thoughts on issues that keep you stuck, like you posted in the following:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223230.msg12417592#msg12417592

[Lucky Jim]

One last point, Danie, which crossed my mind: obviously there are other options to staying/leaving and it's not necessarily "either/or" in my view.  For example, you could have a trial separation; or you could take a time-out by going somewhere on your own; or you could decide that you only want to see your SO on weekends.  You get the idea.  There are many options out there.  The hard part is deciding which one is right for you.

LuckyJim

[Madison66]

Yea I hear you Jim. I do.

Yes, be honest with myself. And be honest with him. I have been and I will continue to be honest. I honestly do not want to break up. I honestly want him to get healthy. For me to get healthy. I just don't see this as a real option any longer. So, no I don't want to break up but it seems there's really no choice for me.

... .and... .to be honest half the stuff I've been thru should have had me gone a long long time ago... .so I also honestly believe it's high time I treat myself better.

Hi Danie14,

I feel for you with your situation and know from experience that there is no easy decision.  I'm nineteen months removed from a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I remember vividly going to see a couple's T about a year and a half into the r/s.  I didn't understand PD's at that time, but the T saw us separately for a few sessions and then she stated to me in a session that my ex gf showed strong signs of BPD and NPD, and asked me if I was ready to deal with the issues I was seeing for the next 20+ years.  She told me that the T would be intense and at least a couple years.  At the same time, my ex gf stated to me that she was going to do the program and that the T suggested we may need to separate until my ex was further into it but that my ex gf didn't want that.  I blindly agreed.  Shortly after starting the T, my ex gf abandoned the T stating she didn't feel "safe".  She also cut off from me for a couple weeks.  I went back to the T and she strongly suggested I leave the r/s.  I didn't and dealt with another 2 years of the same and worse issues.

My long and rambling point is:

1. The likelihood of your BPD SO getting help and staying with it may be slim to none, and you have no control over that.

2. Staying around to see if things improve may only set you up for more issues and a harder b/u done the road.

3. Staying in the r/s may also intensify the unhealthy dynamic and be the cause of triggers for the both of you.

4. You only have control over yourself and you can 100% work on your issues to help you with r/s in the future.

Again, I'm over a year and a half out and my life has changed dramatically since I chose to finally b/u with my ex gf.  Yes, it has to suck for you now and the work you may choose to do will be tough.  At the same time, it will potentially have ripply effects on your life and those you love for many, many years!

[Sunfl0wer]

Have you considered a therapeutic separation?

I am not completely certain exactly how it works, I think there may be more about it on the staying board.  I believe though some people just needs a couple of weeks space to work on themselves individually and to clear some of the FOG that is present.  I think it may be worth looking into to get your mind clearer.  I think the idea is that a minor level detachment occurs and is a healthy way to allow your wise mind to help guide you more.  (that is my limited understanding... .please y'all clarify tho!)

I see how much effort you are putting into thinking things out and figuring things out and wanting to be caring in the way you are dealing with things.

It must have taken a lot of strength to have that conversation with him.  I cannot imagine.

I hope that you can find a way to bring yourself some clarity over the situation.

It sounds thought that he is waiting on you to set the guidelines and lay down how things should be.  This can be a good thing?  You can use it as an opportunity to set some small boundaries that you feel you can maintain?

[Danie14]

I was driving all day to get to my training so am just getting back on here.

Of course I was thinking about everything & remembered that when I told him I didn't say that I thought "stop talking" because I was just babbling & I told him that maybe I would move out. Sry everything was just so intense I didn't recall that until when I was on the road.

So I'm hundreds of miles away from him right now. I got on Facebook & there's a huge post about how using guilt to hurt your partner is not an act of a loving person... .now I felt like blasting but no... .what's the point? So I sent him a text

I made it. I'm sry I didn't bring up the past to hurt u with guilt. I'm sry I have this hurt lingering inside of me. I tried really hard to be gentle in talking with u.

& I'll leave it at that.

I don't want to be in between any more. I've felt stuck too long & have no more reason to be... .so I'm going to keep on moving forward on my plan.

[Danie14]

& it's getting worse... .he's texting me... .he's so heartbroken so lost so sorry so... .& I'm consoling him... .trying to help him but idk how... .he said he's looking for help anywhere he can... .I told him good to find good help for himself... .wow... .I'm numb