Trying to get my head straight.

[fshrman]

Hey everyone.  Thanks for listening in advance.  Go ahead and grab some popcorn and let me try to explain what's going on, and how I found out ( a few days ago) about BPD and what it is, etc.   I think I know what everyone will tell me, but I guess just getting on here and telling this story will be good therapy for me.   I know this situation is pretty messed up!  

So I have known this girl for many years and we were sort of aquaintences but often messaged on facebook and etc.  I always found her attractive but I was married.  She was married.  She wound up getting a divorce from her first husband, and immediately moved in and started something with a man from another state.  The same state where I live.  Again all this was readily visible on facebook.  We messaged a few times and she always seemed a bit conflicted about her new relationship and often seemed confused about it.   Then she told me this winter that the two of them no longer lived together but were still married  (after a couple years of being together)  (marriage #2 for her)  

Around 6 months ago, before I even became romantic with her, I told my wife I wanted a divorce.  Somewhere around that time I sent this girl a few flirty messages and lo and behold she seemed responsive.  Now you need to understand too, she is a knock out.  The type of girl who when you take her out, turns every head.  I couldn't even believe she was taking the time with me!   Things escalated quick...  Next thing you know, she's sending me sexy texts, we're going to lunch together, she begins telling me things like "I'd love to travel with you"  or "If I was your gf I would be soo loyal"   It really seemed too amazing to be true.  But it also seemed SO genuine. She called me amazing and handsome and I was like, "who me"?    I began getting messages and texts throughout the day.  Many texts.  Just to say hi, or just to tell me that she is so lucky I am in her life.  Talking about love.  About running away together.  How she is done with her current husband and all the reasons why etc.   I was ready to pack my things and head to another state with her as that was what she wanted to do.  

But then, she changed her mind. Then she decided no.  We should stay here and I should move in with her.  Ok fine.  I would do that.   But then she changed her mind and said no.  I should rent a flat near her.  Then we could spend more time together as I lived an hour away.  Plus she didn't drive on the freeway so I always had to pick her up, and take her home.  Then she decided no... .she would come live with me.  Then it changed to "lets buy a house together" . I went along with each change of plan.    Everything we did together was like magic.  I have never met such a vibrant and exciting woman. The sex was incredible.  The love feelings were amazing between us.  I'd stare into her eyes, I wrote her poetry, I bought expensive meals, flowers, gifts etc.   She made no bones about telling me she needed to be spoiled.  However I didn't care.  It was well worth it to me as she made me feel like I was the most special guy in the world .   Even though I kind of felt like she was out of my league.  We had cute little pet names for each other.  Things continued to escalate .  She also has 2 little kids who seemed to love me.   Everything was perfect ... .I found myself though becoming more consumed with her.  I didn't talk to friends as much and I was often preoccupied with messaging her.  I would look forward to every text she would send me.  

But... . 

A few things stood out as odd.  Once early on, I missed some messages she sent because I was out with friends and left my phone in the car.   When I finally read them she basically said in the last one "do not contact me anymore"  I worked it out with her the next day and assured her everything was ok and etc.   It took some coaxing but she was fine.  I didn't really mind this and thought it was kind of cute she was so into me.  She wound up breaking things off with me several times for various reasons.  Always out of the blue but usually because of some thing she thought she heard in a phone conversation with me or something.  She often seemed conflicted though because of her husband.  In one moment she was going to be mine, but then in the next, she didn't think she could leave him.  The whole time she was steadily going crazy and admitted she was struggling.   When I would come over to her house,  she acted strange.  Even though I spent the night there, and etc.  she always acted a bit odd like she was thinking of him, looking out the windows for his car etc.  

This went on awhile until she eventually told the husband about me!   One morning he was knocking on the door when I was there which we didn't answer.  The whole time was was kind of making me think this was just going to be a process she needed to go through and that her and I were going to eventually move in together.   I took all this at face value and offered to support her, emotionally, financially, and of course continue to spoil her.  Again, when we were together everything was great.   Super great in fact.   But the constant I love you,/ I love you not, was starting to get to me. I thought the relationship was over several times but she quickly changed her mind each time.  She even began introducing me to her family and asking me to come on family events and parties.  I took all of this as a good sign in that she was in love with me and wanted to be with me.  I knew she was a bit emotional, a bit spoiled, a bit flaky, and admittedly very confused.  She even told me once "my mind is a storm of confusion".  None of this phased me however and I was dead set on spoiling her, taking care of her, and helping her, as I was in love.  Often she complained about working too hard and, to be honest she really did.  She was basically acting like a single mom,  because her current husband apparently did little to help and had gotten in fights with some her family members and etc.   So I am thinking , I can give this girl what she needs.  Stability and patience, maturity etc.   Things she said she valued in me.  

So just last weekend she tells me she wants me to come to her families 4th of July party.  She asked me to make a dish, which I made before, and to arrive at noon.  She also told me, that her husband would me moving things out on Sunday. The couch etc.   She said while he did that I could go hang out at her dads house until he was done.  So the plan was we would go to the party on sat and on sun I would be there too.  So I went through the process of making this dish... which was quite a bit of work.  On the way to her house (an hours drive from me) she says to me " great... I have supplies for us for tomorrow, we can go out on the boat , its all going to be great! "    So of course I felt totally happy.   I was going to get to see my girl and have this wonderful weekend right ?  

Once I got there she seemed a bit irritated and needed time to "just relax" and seemed to want me to just relax too in the living room while she did dishes.   So, while I was doing this,  she comes in and suddenly says "I need to talk to you"   uh oh.   She then says... .you need to go.  I cant see you anymore.  I cant do this.   I took it as far as I could go.   I was obviously stunned.  What on earth had changed in the last hour?   What about all the time I spent preparing the dish to pass?  I had packed chairs and an overnight bag etc. all at her request.   Then she is sending me home within 20 min of arriving at her house.   Needless to say I was pretty pissed.   I kinda went off on her a little bit then left.   Called her once I got home trying to figure this out and she is just telling me "sorry" and sounding suddenly quite cold.   I did not take this well. Cried , felt very lost.  etc.  

That was last weekend.   I wrote her several emails and texts then and she said they "choked her up" and such but that she just needs her space.  But she could see us being "good friends"  .   At first I was like no I cant just be your friend.  Then I caved and agreed to see her this weekend for a hike, which is something we used to do all the time while holding hands and etc.  I found out about BPD because someone told me about it when I was describing my situation .  That brought me here to this site and as I read about BPD I noticed she had some of these traits.  I don't think her case is super severe, but there are certainly many signs.  

I know ( I think?)  she cares for me, but I am the type of guy who gives her what she wants.  I am super attentive to her.  I think about her all the time, miss her, etc. and it's a struggle to not message her.  Even now I send her a few messages here and there and somehow hope she will change her mind about "us" again.   But her being so beautiful and so easily distracted I also wonder if someone else is involved ... .although I have no reason to think that other than I know guys hit on her all the time.   But everything just seemed so real with her.  The way we would hold each other and look at each other... .it was amazing.  Best I have ever had by far.  Except now... .I fear it may be over or even worse... .we will just be friends and I can never kiss her or hold her again...    Part of me thinks if I just wait it out maybe she will want to come back or re kindle this , as it's truly only been 1 week.  But this is the first time in our relationship where we have not spoken on the phone every night.   For 5 months she literally wanted me to call her every night (unless her husband was coming over... .but even then... .she would call me when he left)   We would talk for hours most every night.    

I know you all will tell me to leave and run .  Correct?     I know it is the right thing but I cannot get her out my mind. Every other woman looks dull to me and I wonder, if I can ever find a woman like her again.  I got so used to all the texts, the messages, the phone calls, the incredible times we had together.   Part of me feels like now that I know this about her... .I can handle it.   But then again,  as of now, we are just "platonic".   Even though I got a couple messages back recently saying things like " i just need space and you didn't give me enough"  and then " I miss talking with you" .  and then " I am looking forward to seeing you this weekend" and also " I meant everything I ever said to you"   and then "you're very special"   etc.  

Well-  Funny enough as I was typing up this post I got a message from her and we chatted a bit. Kind of like the old days.  It seems like this rl is doomed but I can't help it.  I still miss this girl like crazy.  When she was "mine" I was never happier.  Even though deep down I know that anything long term with her is probably impossible.  Even though that is all we ever used to talk about.  How we were going to live the second half of our lives in peace and harmony after all the previous bs. we have both had to deal with.  

I don't know.  She has never raged at me.  She appears to be an extremely caring person on one hand, but on the other, appears to not care at all.   I could never understand how she could have me believing it was just her and I from now on... .to I cant see you anymore.  All in the blink of an eye apparently.  Some of this might be BPD or some could just be her going through some extreme confusion as to what she wants with her life.  Or maybe a combination of the 2.  



   

[SummerStorm]

What I'm going to do is pick out the pieces from your post that are almost a mirror image of my experience and provide a bit of commentary.  I hope this will help you see that you aren't alone in what you went through. 

She called me amazing and handsome and I was like, "who me"?    I began getting messages and texts throughout the day.  Many texts.  How she is done with her current husband and all the reasons why etc.

Mine called me sexy and beautiful.  No one has ever called me sexy before.  No one.  We went from sending a few texts after work each day to texting before work, during work, and after work.  She went on vacation for a week, and we texted each other all day, every day.  Eventually, she told me she was going to leave her boyfriend and that she wanted to live with me.   

But then, she changed her mind.  I went along with each change of plan.

Mine went back and forth between me and her boyfriend three times and tried for a fourth.  She went from asking me to look at apartments one day to not talking to me the next.  Later, she told me she wanted to eventually marry me, and we even went looking for a house.  Two days later, I was being "clingy" and "annoying."  Four days after she told me, with finality, that we would never be together, she texted me and told me she missed me and wanted to have sex with me.   

I wrote her poetry, I bought expensive meals, flowers, gifts etc.   She made no bones about telling me she needed to be spoiled.  We had cute little pet names for each other.

I drew pictures for her, wrote her long, romantic e-mails, bought her little gifts.  She rarely did anything nice for me.  I called her "sweetheart."  She called me "baby girl."  We called each other "my love." 

I found myself though becoming more consumed with her.  I didn't talk to friends as much and I was often preoccupied with messaging her.  I would look forward to every text she would send me.

My work actually suffered because I was so focused on my phone.  I'm a teacher, and in the middle of class, I would be sitting at my desk, reading texts from her and replying to her texts, even though I was constantly telling students to put their phones away.  When I got home, I was so occupied with texting her that I never graded papers.  And I stopped writing lesson plans, even though it is a requirement.     

She often seemed conflicted though because of her husband.  In one moment she was going to be mine, but then in the next, she didn't think she could leave him.

Mine would say bad things about her boyfriend, but it was like she was grasping at straws and/or stretching the truth to make it sound like he was a bad guy.  A few days after calling me her "soon to be girlfriend," she texted me and said, "He's who I want." 

Again, when we were together everything was great.   Super great in fact.   But the constant I love you,/ I love you not, was starting to get to me. I thought the relationship was over several times but she quickly changed her mind each time.

Once, in a period of about 12 days, I went from being rejected, to being told that I'm "the one," to being told that I'm "f-ing annoying."   

What on earth had changed in the last hour?   What about all the time I spent preparing the dish to pass?  I had packed chairs and an overnight bag etc. all at her request.

Once, she planned this whole weekend, where she would be staying over at my house on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  I bought foods she liked, looked up movie times for the movie she wanted to see, etc.  Friday afternoon, she texted me and told me she was "sick" and going home.  My entire weekend was ruined.     

I got so used to all the texts, the messages, the phone calls, the incredible times we had together.

Eventually, she started not replying to my texts at all.  From 50-100 texts a day, to maybe 5.  She also stopped replying to my e-mails.  When I brought this up, I was being "clingy" and not understanding that she was "busy."       

Part of me feels like now that I know this about her... .I can handle it.

This is a personal decision.  But if she hasn't been diagnosed, this will be hard.  Mine was diagnosed but didn't seem too enthusiastic about therapy and seemed convinced that medication would be enough.  Until she is formally diagnosed with whatever she has, be it BPD or something else, if she even has a PD at all (though it sounds as if something is definitely going on) and commits to therapy, these behaviors will continue.     

I don't know.  She has never raged at me.  She appears to be an extremely caring person on one hand, but on the other, appears to not care at all.

Mine would give me a death stare sometimes and would often rage at me in text messages, but she only ever got mad at me once in person, and it wasn't really a "rage."  Some people in a relationship with a pwBPD don't see a rage session for months or even years, while others experience it after a few weeks.  But mine was raging regularly at her boyfriend and tried to get physical with him.  We worked together at a school, and I live with my parents, so she didn't have many opportunities to rage at me.  Mine seemed to care so much about her students, but when she was hospitalized and I told her that a couple of students would like to arrange a lunch with her this summer, she never even responded to me. 

You are in the early stages of learning about BPD and processing what has happened to you.  Hopefully, you can see now that you aren't alone, and that others have been through very similar experiences.  Your next step is to begin working on you and to figure out what keeps you going back to this girl.  For me, it was that I have low self-esteem, I've never been in a relationship before, and I felt both wanted and loved when I was with her, even though she treated me very badly most of the time.  I wish you the best of luck in your journey, and I hope you find the answers and support you're looking for.