fight last night, i spoke truth

[Smileypants]

I haven't been happy in my relationship in a long time.  I have build my wall to protect myself from his rages.  My skin is tough from being told how I am a coward when I walk away, from being told I don't have crap to say because I choose not to be baited, being told I am horrible parent because I won't beat my kids arses.  I dread being home.  I don't enjoy things the way I used too.  I know I am depressed.

Last night my BPD husband tried to have a "parenting conversation" with me, which I am suppose to agree with what he says.  I got irritated.  He says he can't say anything.  I just let go and told him that I am not happy and that I haven't been in a long time.  I told him to just leave.  He said that I should leave.  I said it's my house, which it legally is because it is my fathers who is deceased.  It's still in fathers name so he has no rights to it.  Not to mention all the bills are in my name, cars are in my name, most everything in the house is my dad's furniture, TVs, appliances, etc... .And 4 of the six kids in the house are mine and I am the primary caregiver.  I also paid $32,000 towards the house since my dad passed.

Now he wants to talk cuz he thought we were happy cuz we had to 2 great weeks.  And heard on the radio that there is a problem with pregnant women and depression and the effect of medication.  Now he thinks I might be depressed, which will be him labeling me as the one with the problem.  

I am pregnant (unplanned).  I was considering divorce when I found out I was pregnant.  I am depressed, but I do not trust him with any of my thoughts or feelings.  They just get twisted or used as a weapon later.  I am very honest with my OB/GYN as well as the Maternal Support Nurse.  Not only about myself but his diagnosis (high functioning BPD -in denial & bipolar).  I am working on taking care of myself and my kids.  We just started seeing a Chriopactor and have been trying to get to the bottom of my kids behavior and sleep problems.  Trying to take time for me.  Trying to get things done that I need to get done around the house.  I am planning on moving back upstairs (sharing a room with my 3 yr old).

Tonight he wants to talk and I am really on edge about whether to be brutally honest and maybe even tell him I know about his diagnosis, or tell him I need him & his kids to move out for a while, not to go at all, or to just be done.

But he doesn't understand that his normal behavior causes constant stress to me and my kids.

[Loosestrife]

Are you seeing a T? Do you think he might react violently if you are brutally honest? If so I would plan to do it in a public place and keep yourself safe