I Keep Dating People with BPD

[repititionqueen]

I've just come to the sudden realization that almost all of my ex boyfriends have or show many signs of having BPD. Even my best friend of 10 years is extremely mentally unstable and likely has BPD.

I'm beside myself because I am a hopeless romantic and just want to be with someone who genuinely cares about me and wants a future... .but why would I keep attracting people with BPD into my life?

Could I myself have BPD?

Do any of you have experience being with multiple people that have BPD?

My last two break ups were exactly the same: They both told me they couldn't be with me  as they didn't know who they were and they couldn't love anyone until they love themselves. Both of them tried to leave hope that we could get back together in the future once they heal themselves.

My last break-up in particular was an insane roller-coaster ride. We talked for 36 hours and he kept telling me how perfect we were together and how much he loves me while breaking up with me. These break-up scenarios seem to be a bit different from traditional BPD break-ups where they try to blame you for the relationship ending. Both males definitely took reponsibility for our relationship needing to end. It truly seemed like they wanted to set me free from their instability.

[enlighten me]

Its a question we all ask at some point. Do we have BPD ourselves? The best thing to do is look at the criteria in the DSM and see if were a match. The likelihood is that your not. We can all tick the boxes in the DSM  at some point but its whether it is persistant behaviour or a one off.

The fact that you keep on getting involved with these people probably means you have some unresolved issue and taking a good look at yourself can be a very liberating thing. I realise that having an overbearing mum probably led me to become a people pleaser.

[repititionqueen]

Thank you for your response.

I don't necessarily think I have BPD either but I do have some sort of unresolved issues that have led me to my current predicament. I too am a people pleaser and I really do genuinely like to help people. I feel like I really understand people with BPD and I seem to surprise them with this high level of understanding. Sometimes I wonder if this is my life's mission to help people. I'm sure there's all sorts of issues with that statement, however... .

[enlighten me]

Sometimes we can try to make ammends for past failures. Could this be what your doing? Do you have a family member that you feel you let down or a friend? Could that be the driving force behind dating pwBPD?

[repititionqueen]

Sometimes we can try to make ammends for past failures. Could this be what your doing? Do you have a family member that you feel you let down or a friend? Could that be the driving force behind dating pwBPD?

I like your theory but I can't think of any specific example in my life that would apply. I do think after reading through some other threads that perhaps I'm used to being with inconsistent people because my Dad was really inconsistent growing up. I'm trying to determine now if he possibly has BPD. My Mom in turn, is a people pleaser and their relationship wasn't very healthy when I was growing up. Fortunately, I have a much better relationship with both of them now. To the point where I can bring this up with them!

[JRT]

I seem to be running into them as well... .one in college years ago was definitely a BPD and I suspect that my ex wife had SOME kind of PD.

I have been online dating since my b/u from my BPDfiance several months ago. I am beginning to feel that the dating sites are places where the overwhelming majority of people are there because there have SOMETHING that makes it difficult to meet people in the first place and/or impossible to sustain a relationship. Kind of like a revolving door of romance for people that have issues that are not resolved.

To that end, the one that I have been dating for the past month or so made it through my 'filters'. We have had some nice times so far but I have not wanted to take it very seriously with her, something bothered me about her but I could not quite put my finger on it (besides her love bombing). I came to find out that she is diagnosed OCD and has periodic episodes. Meanwhile, she has a highly tumultuous relationship with her roommate who fits ALL of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. While she lives there for low rent, she has a decent job and could afford a place of her own if she wanted but she can't leave because the roommate 'needs her'. In response, she works 60-70 hours a week so that she can avoid her!     

I have thought about this critically and have tried to identify what kind of signals that I have been sending out that would have attracted this person. The biggest criteria that I have for a romantic interest is that she is educated and can maintain at least a basic conversation (I'm pretty picky huh?). In the end I just think that its the luck of the draw and that online dating is full of these types - almost by definition.

Time to reconstruct my filters.

[SurfNTurf]

Hi Repetiti,

I can only share my experience: I am married to my THIRD pwPD. My father was an alcoholic with BPD. I learned to tolerate bad behavior so well that it became familiar to me as an adult (not pleasant, but familiar.)

Husb #1 was NPD. I missed the cues, married him, divorced him when he became physically abusive.

Husb #2 was NPD. I  missed the cues, married him, divorced him when he cheated on me.

I got counseling after seeing a pattern. I am really good at identifying NPD's now.

Husb #3 is uBPD. I missed the cues, b/c he was unlike the previous two - his courtship was amazing, I got love-bombed and didn't know that was also weird b/c at the time it felt pretty good.

People who grow up in dysfunctional homes sometimes miss cues and often don't recognize when other people are missing elements of personality.  Did you perhaps grow up in a dysfunctional home?

Even if you did; don't beat yourself up. We do our best til we know better, then when we know better we do better. Take care!