Bumped in BPDxbf unexpectedly

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

I've just got home after bumping into my BPDxbf in town. It probably serves me right for praying that I be given the opportunity to speak to him in person as I was dropping off last night. Prayer answered!

The reality of seeing him was more difficult that I anticipated. I felt anxious and was talking too much about nothing in particular just to cover the awkward silences where the real discussion should have been happening. Eventually, I asked him if he was anxious. He said a little and asked if I was. I said I was. He asked why. I said I was anxious because I was with him.  He asked me what the real reason I was anxious was. I said it was the push-pull thing, wanting to move towards him and pull away from him at the same time. He said he could see it in my eyes.

He asked about us being friends, I said I didn't think it would work because we wouldn't be able to stay within those boundaries. He asked who would breach them. I said it would probably be me.

We talked of how things go wrong when we communicate by text and email. He sounds so level-headed, so normal when we meet face-to-face. When we communicate in other ways, everything goes wrong. He says he's anxious during those times but thinks I'm angry. I said I'm anxious during those times but think he's angry. He said he's just annoyed. I asked him what the difference was. It seems that 'angry' covers raging and 'annoyed' covers anger.

He's still putting everything down to outside forces. He didn't apologise for calling me names. He did say he feels guilty and that his punitive parent has been making him suffer. I told him I forgive him and that I hope he will forgive himself. He said he forgives me. Personally, I don't see that I did anything wrong but I wasn't going to argue that point with him.

He said he's feeling down today and has been up and down. I said I was up and down too. He says he's applied for a job in another town. The thought of him moving away was pretty anxiety provoking. Eventually, nature called and we had to leave the cafe because I needed the toilet. We walked around town aimlessly for a while. That couldn't go on forever though. He asked if he should get on the bus. I said he had an appointment, didn't he? I gave him a hug and then let him walk in one direction and I walked in the other. He emailed me to say it was nice to see me and that I should contact him when I am ready. I replied that it was nice to see him but also heartbreaking. Then he sent an email agreeing that it was heartbreaking and saying he'd had a cry and was going to go and cheer himself up (he's probably shopping). It may have contained an implied invitation but I chose to ignore it. I am writing this instead.

Being with him was so sad and I felt even more sad when we walked away from each other. I just wanted to reach out to him to comfort him and myself. The sexual pull is unbelievable. I could never just be his friend, I would feel rejected every minute of everyday because he didn't want to sleep with me. And I really don't trust myself around him. It was all I could do to not throw myself at him. I loved him and I wish it could have worked out. When he is reasonable, I get tempted to forget how he can be when he is dysregulating, I start doubting myself and thinking it must be me that's causing the problems. I have to work hard to remember the things he actually says to me and how they compare with the likely reaction of any normal human being.

But, I managed to walk away. That's a real achievement for me. 3 weeks out and still counting.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

I've just got home after bumping into my BPDxbf in town. It probably serves me right for praying that I be given the opportunity to speak to him in person as I was dropping off last night. Prayer answered!

The reality of seeing him was more difficult that I anticipated. I felt anxious and was talking too much about nothing in particular just to cover the awkward silences where the real discussion should have been happening. Eventually, I asked him if he was anxious. He said a little and asked if I was. I said I was. He asked why. I said I was anxious because I was with him.  He asked me what the real reason I was anxious was. I said it was the push-pull thing, wanting to move towards him and pull away from him at the same time. He said he could see it in my eyes.

He asked about us being friends, I said I didn't think it would work because we wouldn't be able to stay within those boundaries. He asked who would breach them. I said it would probably be me.

We talked of how things go wrong when we communicate by text and email. He sounds so level-headed, so normal when we meet face-to-face. When we communicate in other ways, everything goes wrong. He says he's anxious during those times but thinks I'm angry. I said I'm anxious during those times but think he's angry. He said he's just annoyed. I asked him what the difference was. It seems that 'angry' covers raging and 'annoyed' covers anger.

He's still putting everything down to outside forces. He didn't apologise for calling me names. He did say he feels guilty and that his punitive parent has been making him suffer. I told him I forgive him and that I hope he will forgive himself. He said he forgives me. Personally, I don't see that I did anything wrong but I wasn't going to argue that point with him.

He said he's feeling down today and has been up and down. I said I was up and down too. He says he's applied for a job in another town. The thought of him moving away was pretty anxiety provoking. Eventually, nature called and we had to leave the cafe because I needed the toilet. We walked around town aimlessly for a while. That couldn't go on forever though. He asked if he should get on the bus. I said he had an appointment, didn't he? I gave him a hug and then let him walk in one direction and I walked in the other. He emailed me to say it was nice to see me and that I should contact him when I am ready. I replied that it was nice to see him but also heartbreaking. Then he sent an email agreeing that it was heartbreaking and saying he'd had a cry and was going to go and cheer himself up (he's probably shopping). It may have contained an implied invitation but I chose to ignore it. I am writing this instead.

Being with him was so sad and I felt even more sad when we walked away from each other. I just wanted to reach out to him to comfort him and myself. The sexual pull is unbelievable. I could never just be his friend, I would feel rejected every minute of everyday because he didn't want to sleep with me. And I really don't trust myself around him. It was all I could do to not throw myself at him. I loved him and I wish it could have worked out. When he is reasonable, I get tempted to forget how he can be when he is dysregulating, I start doubting myself and thinking it must be me that's causing the problems. I have to work hard to remember the things he actually says to me and how they compare with the likely reaction of any normal human being.

But, I managed to walk away. That's a real achievement for me. 3 weeks out and still counting.

Lifewriter

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lifewriter, Sounds like it went OK.  I think it's normal to feel uncomfortable and/or anxious in that situation.  I suggest you get ready for an attempted recycle.  He might try to reel you back in by manipulating you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt) or some combination of the same.  It sounds like you might be wavering a little?  Don't worry about it if you decide to recycle (most of us have done it, and some of us (me) have done it many times!).  Try to figure out what's right for you.

LuckyJim

[sas1729]

Lifewriter,

Remember the reasons for why he is now your ex. You have been down this road before, if not through "final breakups" then every time you had an argument. It is the constant push-pull mechanism.

And yes, as Jim says you may indeed end up recycling. But for as long as you can, remember the reasons that led to your decision to end it this time.

Breaking up with my ex of 2.5 years (BPD) was the hardest thing I had to do, emotionally. It left me torn apart and unable to focus. But it was also a chance for me to find myself again. Of course I loved her, as you loved him. It is natural. People with BPD are extremely charming, so the pain of the breakup was remembering the good parts. But those were not what led to your decision.

3 weeks is hard, but it does get easier.

[Lifewriter16]

I am struggling right now, folks. My BPDxbf has emailed to say that he now agrees with me that we can't be 'friends', he says it's too painful to see me and he doesn't need that. He recently said he can't be close to me, which is where he got the idea of friendship in the first place. At least that's honest.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty sad. I'm doing nothing to stop this relationship ending permanently. My 7 year old asked why I hadn't seen my BPDxbf recently. I said we'd had an argument. She asked why we didn't make up like she does when she argues with her friend. Earlier today, she said she'd once heard me arguing with my ASxH whilst we were still married. She said she thought she might have done something to cause it. I said she hadn't, sometimes adults have problems. She said, 'Why don't you solve your problem then?' and then offered to help us do it. She said, 'Tell me one of the problems you have, one you think I can understand and I'll help you'. I wonder if she's right. Do I just run away instead of trying to solve my problems? I know I run away because I'm frightened but could I have solved the problems if I had stayed?

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

I had a wobble this morning and emailed BPDxbf asking him to text me. I told him what my daughter had said about sorting out problems and asked if we could decide to either try to sort things out like grown ups or walk away like grown ups.

I thought it likely that he would say we should walk away, but it still hurt when I heard back from him. BPdxbf said he wasn't angry, but sounded in a mood. He said he doesn't know what I want, but he certainly knows what he wants. He said he loves me but all this making up and breaking up is hurting us both. When I said this to him last week, he reacted very badly to it. He said it's over and he hopes I love him enough to let him go. I replied with a simple "Okay".

What's awful about how this has happened is that I get a sense that he thinks I instigated all these breakups and he thinks the instability in our relationship is all down to me. My constant unhappiness makes me wonder if he is right. He doesn't acknowledge that the breakups were often preceded by him cancelling a date because he was too angry to see me (I'd done something to upset him) or him telling me the relationship almost ended because of something I did or telling me I'd never hear from him again or saying "It's over. Goodbye!" etc frequently over the last three months. He doesn't see that my wanting out was because of how he was acting towards me. He was so nice yesterday, but today the monster has returned and it's 'F**k off, Lifewriter!' To be fair, he didn't say that and he didn't call me names or insult me at all, not this time. He sounded offended, as if he thought I was criticising him, but he wasn't rude. I just feel like I've been told to 'f**k off'. I feel discarded coldly. How could I have loved him so much and the love I have given him have so little impact upon him? I know I should know by now that the truth is he's just ill. When will I ever learn to stop hoping? The thing is, I love him and I love him profoundly. How can he sit and stare into my eyes yesterday and discard me today? I suspect he's in one of the protector modes. It makes me so angry that the man I love is so ill that it is impossible for us to love each other. I'm angry for him, because he has no hope of a good relationship no matter how many times he tells me "I'll find someone else and I'll make it work" and I'm angry for me because I can not have the relationship I want with the man I love. I have to let him go. I have to grieve and go through all this awful pain. I have to be on my own again and I wonder if I will ever find anyone to love.

On the bright side, at least I am now able to cry. I've been stuck emotionally for almost a month now because the last breakup occurred in such an unsatisfactory manner and I wasn't sure it was over.

Anyone know any decent men?

Love to you all,

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

After some reflection, I sent my BPSxbf another email since it will be the last contact we ever have:

"You're right. We are simply prolonging the agony and hurting each other unnecessarily. Letting go isn't easy but, since you seem sincere in wanting to move on now, let's do it. The last couple of days were hard, but I can cry again now, so I think they were productive, for me, at least. I wish you healing and wholeness."

He replied:

"Thank you. We've made the right decision. Let go and stop the hurting. It's the kindest and most loving thing we can both do for each other. I wish you all the best in life... ."


I emailed him to this effect 10 days ago, but he couldn't hear it and went n/c angrily. We've finally come to agreement. My head says this is the right thing to do as this situation is absolutely hopeless. As an aspie, I'm even more unable to deal with the manifestations of BPD than the average person, and the average person finds it pretty challenging. My heart, however, is absolutely broken. I feel so sad. I think it's an absolute tragedy that we couldn't work it out because it seemed like we loved each other. Right now, I couldn't feel more alone in the world.

Lifewriter

[Lucky Jim]

What's awful about how this has happened is that I get a sense that he thinks I instigated all these breakups and he thinks the instability in our relationship is all down to me. My constant unhappiness makes me wonder if he is right.

Hey Lifewriter, I suggest you discard this line of thinking, because it is untrue and unfair for you to shoulder all the burden for the breakup.  It doesn't work that way.  Takes two to tango.  Yet those w/BPD are quite convincing and can manipulate things to make it seem like it's all your fault.  It's not.  Don't get fooled by this manipulation, which is a transparent attempt to foist the blame on you and avoid responsibility for the b/u.

LuckyJim

[Lifewriter16]

I'm having a sad day today. I miss my BPDxbf. Whatever was actually going on for him, it was the nearest I've had to a mutual love and I have such an overpowering need to love and be loved. The times of extreme closeness, of making love both physically and emotionally, prey on my mind, taunting me with thoughts that I failed, that I ran away, that it was my fear of intimacy, that I pushed him away and that it is all my fault. I know that's not the truth, we chose each other and so we both have issues, but it hurts nevertheless. I just miss him. I know we'd just hurt each other if we had any contact but I wish the mutual triggering hadn't taken over and deprived us both. What do I need to do to never end up in such a painful place again?

I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.

Lifewriter

[DreamerGirl]

Lifewriter16, so many hugs to you. 

I know how much the sad days hurt, so bad, right. 

I know the feeling of missing and missing and missing them.

You didn't push him away, you did what you needed too.

It's grief, you loved him and you need now to allow yourself the time to be hurting, and there will be days that will be feel stronger and determined, then boom, out of no-where, you will feel incredibly weak, so much sadness and longing and wishing.  That is your grief, so up and down, up and down.  It will take, however long your heart needs to heal. 

Sadly we can never protect our hearts from the pain of losing love, please try not to shut that part of your heart down.  You sound like a beautiful girl, and I believe, one day you will meet someone who will be your true soulmate and who will make you feel loved and happy.

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you, Dreamergirl for your reply. It means a lot to me.

You are right, I did do what I needed to do even though my BPDxbf kept telling me I was pushing him away. If he had not had BPD, I would never have needed to protect myself from him.

I am determined to never shut my heart down again. It is such an empty life without the capacity to love, even though loving brings so much pain.

Love Lifewriter

[Surg_Bear]

Sounds to me like you have a very intuitive, and old-for-her-age 7 year old daughter.  I have one of those, too (my prodigy is going to 7 in 13 days).  She is so insightful some times, I am just blown away.  Kids are awesome.  Watching them grow, and acquire life skills is SO moving to me.  Like watching wounds heal in my work, I am blown away by miracles of life.  Watching my children grow has been an honor and miracle.

I wanted to reach out in this public forum and offer you some support in making the "right" decision in deciding to stay away from the toxic and soul-numbing toll that being in a relationship with a pwBPD can take.  Only you can know for sure that this was the right move for your life, but for what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing.  :)on't falter- it is the right thing for you.

As far as the sex goes- I struggle with sex and sexual desire issues with my BPDw.  She does not have desire (at least for me).  She has admitted, only after I pointed it out, that she does depersonalize (i.e. she checks out, and goes somewhere else in her mind) during what little sex we have.  I have read that this is VERY common in people with BPD- they can appear to be VERY engaged, and this can feel like an emotional closeness to the receiver... .but they are not feeling the same closeness inside their minds.  They are not as present, as we feel them to be.  They are not emotionally capable of feeling as present as we feel in the moment.

I put this out there because you said that the sexual pull is so strong.  I believe this is the case.  For you.  And only you.  I believe that even if your guy is feeling sexually attracted to you right now, it is only in the way that he can be- which is void of any real emotional connection.  Sex is sex for him.  Sex may be a blessed emotional communion in your mind, but I am certain that if he has BPD, it is nothing like that for him.  You deserve so much better.  

So much better sex.  And you deserve so much better love.

I think you are an amazing person for finding the strength to disengage the crazy and separate from your pwBPD.  I hope that you'll keep coming back to get more support and strength from the wealth of knowledge to be had from this internet forum.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[OnceConfused]

Lifewriter:

The first few days or weeks will be the hardest as your mind goes through the confusion as to what happened and what ifs. Just hang tough there.

Life is all about learning how to dance in the rain, not to wait for the rain to stop.

I have been there 8 years ago, and I can tell you now that I am much stronger mentally, much more loving and yet more independent. I learn so much about the experience with xBPDgf. You could do the same, let the experience make you a better person for the next one you meet.