What is BPD like when you're away?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know it might sound like a weird question but I'm stuck with this one these days.

Because whenever I see him I see a MADMAN, I hardly recognize him. He's the terminator, with no empathy whatsoever and accuses me of horrible things. The same as in his emails, although in his mails he always starts and ends with polite rubbish.

Apparently he's different when I'm not around, at least that's what I've figured out.

He went to see a social worker I had talked to on the phone. She then told me "he was very calm" and she seemed to believe his crap.

And he met a woman on the internet and she's doing everything to help him. It's just mad, I couldn't picture him meeting anyone in that state of mind and face of his.

How strange. This really confuses me.

[Indyan]

I know it might sound like a weird question but I'm stuck with this one these days.

Because whenever I see him I see a MADMAN, I hardly recognize him. He's the terminator, with no empathy whatsoever and accuses me of horrible things. The same as in his emails, although in his mails he always starts and ends with polite rubbish.

Apparently he's different when I'm not around, at least that's what I've figured out.

He went to see a social worker I had talked to on the phone. She then told me "he was very calm" and she seemed to believe his crap.

And he met a woman on the internet and she's doing everything to help him. It's just mad, I couldn't picture him meeting anyone in that state of mind and face of his.

How strange. This really confuses me.

[ForeverDad]

BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships, the closer the relationship, the more evident it is.  If you weren't there for your presence to tweak his equilibrium, then his Mask of Seeming Normalcy may not have displaying any obvious cracks.  Without additional sessions the counselor may not notice the underlying issues.  Did the social worker give him any psychological tests such as MMPI2?

Of course you're confused.  Mental illness doesn't make sense.  That he can make sense in brief or non-triggering contacts and yet still be dysfunctional to others is quite confounding.

[Indyan]

Did the social worker give him any psychological tests such as MMPI2?

Of course you're confused.  Mental illness doesn't make sense.  That he can make sense in brief or non-triggering contacts and yet still be dysfunctional to others is quite confounding.

Yes, exactly.

No, she didn't do any tests. She just listened to his "I'm the victim" crap. He pretended to request a mediation, so I had to be the one who refused.

His sisters and parents claim that they don't see anything "abnormal" about him... .     

I guess they just don't want to see... .

[Surg_Bear]

I know it might sound like a weird question but I'm stuck with this one these days.

Because whenever I see him I see a MADMAN, I hardly recognize him. He's the terminator, with no empathy whatsoever and accuses me of horrible things. The same as in his emails, although in his mails he always starts and ends with polite rubbish.

Apparently he's different when I'm not around, at least that's what I've figured out.

He went to see a social worker I had talked to on the phone. She then told me "he was very calm" and she seemed to believe his crap.

And he met a woman on the internet and she's doing everything to help him. It's just mad, I couldn't picture him meeting anyone in that state of mind and face of his.

How strange. This really confuses me.

My wife is as borderline as they come.  I know this because I've been married to her for 25 years.  Our Marriage Therapist knows this.  Her Individual Therapist knows this.

She is a Clinical Psychologist with a specialty in child and adolescent psychotherapy.

There is no way she could be as good and as loved in her work, if the borderline doesn't shut off, or become invisible while she is working.  She can be a cruel and vindictive monster to me.  She would NEVER do this to one of her clients.

I feel special that I get all of the gifts.

Surg_Bear

[ambivalentmom]

That is exactly how my ex is.  I don't see or talk to him anymore, but a few years back, when I used to meet him half-way and drop off our D12, I would overhear him talking to his new wife and our D12 in a fake voice.  It was very odd because I remember helping him develop that voice when he worked at a bank for a short time and needed my help with customer service.  I don't know if our D12 or the new family even knows it's fake or if they think that's who he really is.

I think there are two reasons this happens.  The first reason they act this way is because they need to feel like the good parent/better person in the relationship.  They need others to side with them and see how they are victims of this unfortunate situation and it's not their fault (also getting free money from online lady?).

The second reason is the less people that know who they really are, the less they can be rejected.  This is part of the fear of abandonment.  If not many people know who they really are, then they can never really be rejected by those people.

What helps me is remembering that I am no longer stuck in the relationship.  He may use the "I'm the victim" card and the fake voice is part of it (I'll never actually know what he is telling people), he could become incredibly successful, and he can even have a long happy life with his new family.  It doesn't matter because I am no longer in the horrible situation I once was.  Yes, it hurts that he can be nice to others and completely scary to me, but my choices weren't between him being nice or scary.  My choices were between abuse and getting away.  Every time he tried to be scary after the marriage ended I can just think, thank goodness I'm not married to that type of person anymore.

P.S.  I also have a best friend who saw the real him, so thank goodness for that too.  Make sure you have someone you can talk to who's on your side, I know it's not easy to say they are wrong and just stop thinking about it.  They know how to push the right buttons.

P.S.S.  I always picture my ex portraying the scene in Breaking Bad where Walt says the marriage is falling apart because he's not a good enough husband (but says it tearfully and sympathetically).  Yeah, I'm sure that's the reason... .

[Indyan]

Thanks to both of you.

Yes Ambivalentmom, it's exactly how you describe it.

He (one again) came knocking at my door with that horrible woman last Friday. And I heard him talk to her with a NORMAL voice while I was petrified and not answering, with my baby in my arms.

He scares me to death  :'( :'(

[maxen]

His sisters and parents claim that they don't see anything "abnormal" about him... .     

I guess they just don't want to see... .

this is hugely frustrating (and has been on my mind recently, for some reason). my exw's family are famously arrogant (they don't even really deny it) and the idea that someone of her name might have an issue (as her life record in r/ss might suggest), or have responsibility towards others, is not given much consideration. i can only get past this with "well, that's how they are, and didn't i know it?" unsatisfying, but i can't keep ramming my head against the wall of reality.