Help me understand this

[chill1986]

My ex just text me about my suitcase that was still at her house and whether I wanted to pick it up, but won't actually see me and will just leave it outside in the morning. Also made a mention of how busy she is and how she is going out for drinks tonight so can't do it then.

Why mention this after 2 weeks of NC? It's not exactly important in the grand scheme of things.

[chill1986]

Anyone? I'm really confused!

[Turkish]

Trying to apply logic to a disordered person driven by whatever emotions happen to be dominant at the time is certainly confusing.

Do you want the suitcase back? Did you respond?

[chill1986]

Not particularly but I feel committed now. She has said she will leave it outside by the bins and I can pick it up on my way to work so she doesn't have to see me. She made a reference to what time I drive past and implying it would be before she gets up, I said I was going out too so will be leaving later and then said thanks.

I'm just going to pick it and not say anything else.

Is that how it usually goes? Their replies depend on their mood at the time? It would fit what I have been experiencing.

She could be civil at least, she ruined my life!

[SummerStorm]

She could be civil at least, she ruined my life!

The word "civil" doesn't really exist in a pwBPD's vocabulary.  I can't tell you how many times I used that word, and it went in one ear and out the other. 

Just be glad that she even offered to give back the suitcase.  I just spent three weeks trying to get back several things, to no avail.  Yesterday, I just decided to give up.  It isn't worth it. 

[chill1986]

Well it's just the suitcase not all the money I'm owed!

[SummerStorm]

Well it's just the suitcase not all the money I'm owed!

Oh, well then I have no answer for you, other than that is absolutely cold and heartless, to give you a suitcase and nothing else. 

At this point, you aren't going to get the money back.  I would say the suitcase is for her to test whether she still has a claw or two in you.  If you go to pick it up, she will get the impression that she can get you to do anything. 

If I were you, I wouldn't even bother.

[chill1986]

She said earlier she was off out for drinks and I said the same.

She just tried to face time me, I didn't pick up, can't be an accident as we haven't spoken in months by phone. I'm not reacting to it.

[JQ]

She said earlier she was off out for drinks and I said the same.

She just tried to face time me, I didn't pick up, can't be an accident as we haven't spoken in months by phone. I'm not reacting to it.

Chili,

She's trying to pull you back in ... .it's what they do. They feel threaten by you and the relationship even though it's what they want at their core. But due to childhood trauma and other things beyond your control they want to push you away ... .when you finally have had enough walk away from the relationship ... .they feel abandon and want to know you're still there for them when they want you ... .it's not a easy to understand at times ... .and certainly not an easy thing to be a part of ... .

Bottom line, she doesn't want to lose you all together ... .it's learned behavior ... .if you've read and learned anything here it's like dealing with a 2 or 3 year old behaviorally in an adult body. What does a child do when you tell them they can't have something ... .or they can't do something ... .they want it anyway or will do it anyway ... .

I've have 2 GF with BPD ... .and since I've dove into this world to learn all that I can I've learned that my mother and my sister is BPD ... .it's learned behavior ... .you have to decide if you want to leave for good ... .in which case leave the damn suit case ... .block her number, FB, go COMPLETELY off the grid with her ... .because they will find you and continue this push pull relationship with you ... .if you decide to stay, then you'll need more patience then the ordinary man ... .you'll need to seek out your own therapist to keep your mind from going over the edge ... .and you'll need to dedicate your life to being in a relationship with someone who is extremely emotionally damage.  In return she'll have to make a life long commitment to her own wellness to include a lifetime of therapy ... .and committing to trying to get better.

YOU didn't CAUSE IT ... .  YOU can't FIX it ... .YOU can't CONTROL it ... .SO ... .do you take the blue pill and go back to your happy little life ... .or do you take the red pill and see how far down the rabbit hole goes Alice? Your choice ... .choose well ... .

best of luck to you ... .

JQ

[chill1986]

Thanks JQ,

I think the only reason we lasted as long as we did is because I have the patience of a saint and am very laid back. It ended because she pushed me away.

I have learned a lot in the short time I have been on here, I'm not a fool and realise it would never be easy, but right now I'm not sure I could say no if she said the right things to get me back. BUT I don't think she will, not yet anyway.

I'm going to get the suitcase, because she will contact me more if I don't and it will give her another reason to hate me. But I won't say anything, just pick it up and go.

Thanks man I really appreciate your input!

[JQ]

Thanks JQ,

I think the only reason we lasted as long as we did is because I have the patience of a saint and am very laid back. It ended because she pushed me away.

I have learned a lot in the short time I have been on here, I'm not a fool and realise it would never be easy, but right now I'm not sure I could say no if she said the right things to get me back. BUT I don't think she will, not yet anyway.

I'm going to get the suitcase, because she will contact me more if I don't and it will give her another reason to hate me. But I won't say anything, just pick it up and go.

Thanks man I really appreciate your input!

Chili,

I commend you on your self describe patience level and being laid back ... .ANY relationship with someone who has BPD will need the patience of a Saint or superhuman skills. If you're anything like others who have fell in love with someone who has BPD ... .you'll say yes when they call ... .when they text ... .when they show up at the door. It's what we do as Knights in armor, the savior of humanity, the cowboy who wears the white hat.

If you really think about the situation about what caused this breakup ... .you probably don't have a clue what set her off.  You said it yourself, the relationship ended when she pushed you away ... .it's what they do ... .they PUSH us away. When they feel smothered in the relationship they'll push you away ... .when you throw your hands up in the air because you've tried for hours, days or weeks trying to figure out what you might have said or did to repair the relationship and they give you out of this world excuses and you're dumbfounded ... .after they give you the "silent treatment aka time out" and they want you closer because they feel you're sleeping someone else or seeing someone else or they don't want you to stray to far ... .they'll text you, call you, or send you a pic of themselves ... .and you'll answer right away ... .they know they still have you and will put you back in a time out ... .

If you decide you are the ultimate in laid backness, that you're the Saint reincarnation of patience ... .then I would encourage to become knowledgeable in all things BPD. See it from their perspective, learn why things are they way they are, encourage them to seek out a counselor, a therapist because without it they'll never get better. I encourage you to see out your own therapist to help you with the feelings of being confused, being hurt, recharging your batteries of patience ... .because no matter how much you think you have, it's not going to be enough.

This is beyond anything you've ever experienced in any patience ... .read, learn, become self aware of why you're attracted to this woman in the first place. You're more than likely a peace keeper, a knight in armor, someone who wants to help her in her distress. It sounds as if you're just getting into this relationship ... .

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

Learn ... .educate yourself ... .read ... .come to the forums often as needed to bounce ideas off of people ... .read other experiences ... .but learn to take care of yourself

I wish you luck Chili

JQ

[chill1986]

Soo dropped by to pick up my suitcase and she didn't even leave it out! Wtf?

[chill1986]

She has texted me saying it was still there when she left, I replied saying I couldn't see it. She replied saying it was by the gate, I said I checked, she said inside the gate and that she left it open, I checked it and it was locked.

Downright lies. Why? If she forgot why not say? Why the game playing? Ahhhhhh!

[chill1986]

She is bringing the crazy hard today.

Lying and hurling abuse at me. Kicked off about forwarding a letter and forcing her to "behave like your bloody secretary!"

[JQ]

She is bringing the crazy hard today.

Lying and hurling abuse at me. Kicked off about forwarding a letter and forcing her to "behave like your bloody secretary!"

Chili,

I see by the last couple of post you made that she is testing the extent of your patience and you're becoming frustrated at her actions. This is the push pull thing they do ... .she wants to keep you near her to prevent herself from feeling abandon so she tells you she left the suitcase out, the door was unlocked when in reality neither one was done.  I imagine that she'll will want to reschedule the pickup so she can actually deliver it personally there at the house so there is, "no confusion" and you'll get your suitcase.

So, again i ask, is the suitcase really that important? If not leave it and change your number today, go completely no contact (NC) ... .she's like a fisherman going for a big one, but it's a catch and release lake. Once they got you they let you go only to throw the hook back out to snag you again in a few days weeks or months. 

Oh, your comment about TRYING to apply logic in this relationship with your BPD ... .yeah forget about it. From all the postings here in this forum, other forums and other websites the one thing that will never happen in ANY relationship with ANY BPD is logic ... .IT'LL NEVER MAKE SINCE TO YOU. So forget to apply logic to any circumstances in this relationship. I hadn't seen my first BPD exgf in nearly 18 years when I went back home to take care of my mom for several months for health issues. She had worked her way into their lives so that made it convenient to reenter my life ... .as she tried to do over and over again. I tried to be a nice guy, tried to so sympathy to her own health issues as she is a cancer survivor ... .it was the worse thing I could of done ... .when I constantly turned down her sexual offers she went off and physically assaulted me and verbally abused via vile spew coming from her lips. Not two hours later she came back over to say she was sorry for blowing up like she did ... .that she still and always loved me. That she wanted to get back together ... .and wanted to know if I wanted to go get a drink ... .her treat. She thought by getting me all liquored up I would be more acceptable to her advances ... .I just didn't go, said thanks but no thanks and left the house.

If you are this upset over a suitcase ... .maybe it's a good thing to just go no contact Chili ... .I can't decide for you and certainly won't judge you ... .but as I said earlier ... .you'll need to dive deep into this world of BPD ... .learn all that you can. Seek out your own mental assistance, learn about things such as her triggers, triangulations, validation of her crazy things, projections ... .and so much more. You'll need to learn more about yourself too ... .there are studies to suggest that they don't know they're lying ... .or that they even remember a conversation they had with you ... .my BPD exgf was amazed about all the things in our conversations and would bring them back up ... .yeah that was a mistake ... .

Take some time for yourself ... .leave the suitcase ... .sounds like you've already giving her a lot of money ... .by the way, thats gone and  you'll never get it back and if you stay with them, they'll only need more of your money ... .your patience, your everything ... .so for the very low low price of one suitcase ... .leave it ... .block her numbers, go COMPLETELY NO CONTACT and try to recover ... .go out with your buddies for the next few weeks ... .ignore all attempts of her to contact you. And it'll get better by the end of the summer.

If you really feel in your heart she is the one ... .ask yourself why? Really ask yourself why is "SHE" the one ... .and if you find yourself wanting to work things out ... .then suggest she find a therapist ... .that without counseling your not interested in any relationship with her ... .the counseling is a good thing for her and a better thing for you. If she's like any other BPD ... .chances are she'll flat out reject the notion she needs one ... .tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and without change you're done ... .but from what I've read today ... .your self describe "laid backness" needs some more work ... .

Keep us informed what she does and what you decide to do ... .

above all stay safe ... .take care of yourself Chili

JQ

[SummerStorm]

She has texted me saying it was still there when she left, I replied saying I couldn't see it. She replied saying it was by the gate, I said I checked, she said inside the gate and that she left it open, I checked it and it was locked.

Downright lies. Why? If she forgot why not say? Why the game playing? Ahhhhhh!

That's what they do.  For months, I tried to get my former friend BPD to return a soccer jersey she borrowed from me.  She saw me five days a week at work, and I would remind her at least once a week.  Sometimes, I would remind her the night before.  She kept saying, "I told you I would return it.  I just forgot.  I know where it is.  It's hanging in the closet."  

Once she cut me off, I spent three weeks asking her boyfriend to remind her to return it, along with other things.  When he first asked her, she promised him she would return them.  Then, a week ago, she told him she "forgot" to go to the post office.  She would have to have the memory of a dementia patient to forget to mail something that I've been bugging her about for months and that he's been bugging her about for weeks.  A normal person would write a reminder and stick it on the refrigerator or something, but not someone with BPD.  That's too much work, especially for something that doesn't benefit them.    

Eventually, it got to the point where I completely lost my cool, sent him several texts about how she's been lying to him for months, how I feel like I'm dealing with a child, and finished with, "You could ask her a million times to send my things, and she won't.  And I could tell you what she's been doing behind your back, but you wouldn't believe me.  I'm tired of her bull$*&#.  I've accepted that I'm never getting my stuff back.  Goodbye and good luck.  You're going to need it."  I'm sure he saw all of the texts from me and didn't even bother reading them or read them and didn't believe me.  It was very clear the other day that he was done replying to me because she's been love-bombing him like crazy.  

So, in the end, I'm the one who looks like the crazy person.  If he did read those texts, he probably told her about them, and she probably denied everything and said I'm lying.  Classic BPD BS, at its finest.  Good riddance to both of them.    

[JQ]

She has texted me saying it was still there when she left, I replied saying I couldn't see it. She replied saying it was by the gate, I said I checked, she said inside the gate and that she left it open, I checked it and it was locked.

Downright lies. Why? If she forgot why not say? Why the game playing? Ahhhhhh!

That's what they do.  For months, I tried to get my former friend BPD to return a soccer jersey she borrowed from me.  She saw me five days a week at work, and I would remind her at least once a week.  Sometimes, I would remind her the night before.  She kept saying, "I told you I would return it.  I just forgot.  I know where it is.  It's hanging in the closet."  

Once she cut me off, I spent three weeks asking her boyfriend to remind her to return it, along with other things.  When he first asked her, she promised him she would return them.  Then, a week ago, she told him she "forgot" to go to the post office.  She would have to have the memory of a dementia patient to forget to mail something that I've been bugging her about for months and that he's been bugging her about for weeks.  A normal person would write a reminder and stick it on the refrigerator or something, but not someone with BPD.  That's too much work, especially for something that doesn't benefit them.    

Eventually, it got to the point where I completely lost my cool, sent him several texts about how she's been lying to him for months, how I feel like I'm dealing with a child, and finished with, "You could ask her a million times to send my things, and she won't.  And I could tell you what she's been doing behind your back, but you wouldn't believe me.  I'm tired of her bull$*&#.  I've accepted that I'm never getting my stuff back.  Goodbye and good luck.  You're going to need it."  I'm sure he saw all of the texts from me and didn't even bother reading them or read them and didn't believe me.  It was very clear the other day that he was done replying to me because she's been love-bombing him like crazy.  

So, in the end, I'm the one who looks like the crazy person.  If he did read those texts, he probably told her about them, and she probably denied everything and said I'm lying.  Classic BPD BS, at its finest.  Good riddance to both of them.    

Chili & Summerstorm,

You have to think about what is at the core of their behavior ... .why are they doing things they are doing? It doesn't make since right?  ... .you remind them again & again yet you still won't get your jersey or your suitcase. Here's an explanation of why you went or are going through it. As you've probably read or have been told everyone who suffers from BPD is afraid of being abandon ... .afraid of their bf, gf, mother, brother, father, sister, husband or wife leaving them because somewhere ... .deep in the back of their mind is a learned behavior from early in their childhood ... .if they do XYZ, then they won't leave ... .they'll stay with me. Imagine how you're feeling right at that moment that your BPD S/O left for whatever reason ... .how it hurt ... .maybe it still hurts ... .now amplify that 500% and that is what is what someone with BPD suffers each and everyday because of childhood events that shaped who they became. It's no fault of theirs ... .no fault of yours ... .they will always feel like their S/O is going to leave them ... .abandon them. Somewhere in their mind they believe if they keep that jersey ... .if they keep that suitcase ... .you'll eventually come back to get it ... .and or it is a constant reminder of you to them ... .that as long as they have said possession that you're never really gone from their lives ... .I know it doesn't make since ... .but then someone who has BPD & their behavior doesn't make since. How can a grown intelligent woman do what she is doing? How can she say what she is saying? How can someone who is so smart act in such a childish behavior way? It's because events that are beyond your control shaped who they are in the behavioral ways ... .I know it's hard not to get angry with them, get so freaking frustrated with them that you loose your temper, you loose your cool ... .you yell, lash out ... .remember ... .you need to keep in mind that you're dealing with someone who behaves like a 2 or 3 year old ... .have you ever really sat down with a 3 year old for a day or two and tried to reason with them ... .or just sit back and watch them and ask them why they're doing what  they're doing? They give you some answer that leaves you scratching your head and you chalk it up to them being a 3 year old ... .now take that logic and plant it in the mind of an adult ... .yep ... .now you're dealing with someone who has BPD ... .

I let my first ex BPD gf keep the stuff ... .it wasn't worth my sanity to try to get it back ... .take a deep breath ... .tell yourself it's beyond your control ... .and let it go ... .just let it all go and enjoy your weekend.

JQ

[chill1986]

Thanks guys,

She left it out after a few texts and I picked it up and didn't have to see her. She got really b___y about forwarding some mail. I didn't rise, just said thanks and have left it at that. I have the suitcase only one thing left to do is that I bought rugby tickets for the World Cup for her and her family when I was still painted white, I shall send them in the post and not have to speak to her.

NC has resumed.

[JQ]

Thanks guys,

She left it out after a few texts and I picked it up and didn't have to see her. She got really b___y about forwarding some mail. I didn't rise, just said thanks and have left it at that. I have the suitcase only one thing left to do is that I bought rugby tickets for the World Cup for her and her family when I was still painted white, I shall send them in the post and not have to speak to her.

NC has resumed.

Chili,

I would REALLY like to see this suitcase ... .is it gold-plated? Made from silk? Cashmere? I'm just kidding and I'm happy for you that you got it back ... .it's the small things I guess that count. I"ll take the Rugby tickets off your hands  ;-)  Actually you might be keeping the door open for her if you do that ... .I'm not telling you what you should do or NOT do ... .but if she and her entire family go to the World Cup imagine the conversation the family is going to be telling your ex BPD gf ... .you should get back with him? You should marry him? He is such a nice man ... .why did you to ever break up?  You run that risk ... .then the phone calls, text will never end ... .just a suggestion Chili ... .why don't you take a couple of your mates to the World Cup instead? They might even buy the pints! 

Keep us informed how things are going ... .stay safe, stay healthy!

JQ   

[chill1986]

The tickets were a Christmas present to her dad, he was always really nice to me as was all her family. I couldn't take that from him. I'd feel guilty.

[Sunfl0wer]

My ex just text me about my suitcase that was still at her house and whether I wanted to pick it up, but won't actually see me and will just leave it outside in the morning. Also made a mention of how busy she is and how she is going out for drinks tonight so can't do it then.

Why mention this after 2 weeks of NC? It's not exactly important in the grand scheme of things.

Ok, well, I admit I have not read the background of your situation... .

I don't hear anything wrong with this at all.

I hear she has some things of yours, she is offering to make them available for you to get.

Why is this an issue?

This seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Edit: I cannot erase this.  Apparently irrelevant as you attempted to get things... .and they weren't there.  I did not see some pages apparently... .srry

[chill1986]

No worries.

[JQ]

The tickets were a Christmas present to her dad, he was always really nice to me as was all her family. I couldn't take that from him. I'd feel guilty.

Chili,

Ahhh ... .you didn't say you gave them to her dad ... .no worries. I'm sure that they'll have a great time and appreciate the jester.  Sounds like things are on an even keel for now ... .remember, NC ... .none ... .nada ... .zip ... .zero ... .

stay safe, take care of yourself

JQ